Dear Dr. Holmes:

This is a different story from what you are probably used to here in the Philippines, but I shall tell it anyway, okay? I have a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend with whom I have been going out for over eight years now. Everything is perfect except for one itty bitty thing: We've never had sex. That may seem like no big deal, except get this: It isn’t me that doesn’t want it, it’s him!!! I wouild never admit this to anyone else but you, Dr. Holmes. All my friends think he is Mr. Wonderful for “respecting” me and acceding to my wishes. I, on the other hand, want nothing more than for him to rip off my clothes and f- me to death. I am 27 and he is 28 so it isn’t naman siguro that he is worried that he will get a heart attack or anything. I've tried bringing up the topic with him, but he always changes the subject when I do so. I have also tried initiating sex, but he manages to worm his way out. I have stopped nalang because when I try to have sex and he refuses I wind up feeling rejected , unwanted and even insulted.

How do I deal with this? I don't understand--what is wrong with him?

Or is it me?

CONFUSED LADY


Dear CONFUSED LADY:

It is possible, of course, that nothing is wrong with either of you. Kung sex lang ang ating pinag-uusapan (if sex were the only thing we were talking about), this would be a matter of mere logistics: not quite as simple as negotiating what time in the morning you both want breakfast served, but definitely of the same genre. He may want his tapa first thing in the morning; whereas you cannot conceive of anything until after the kids have left at 7:30 a.m. Like breakfast, you may each just want sex served up at a different time: he after marriage, you before.

But it is difficult to know for sure because your boyfriend refuses to talk about it. And because of this refusal, there is no way you can find out, is there? And that is where the difficulty lies. Now the problem is not merely the physical expressions of sex (in particular, when), but of the emotional expression of feeling. Sex is the battleground for the (silent) guerilla warfare, but the playing field has to do with communication, domination and power. Is it only he who can call the shots? It seems that way, since you can never bring up what really matters to you. I strongly suggest you sit him down and tell him that discussing your sex life (or lack thereof) is something of extreme importance to you.

You do not have to agree on every issue (or, indeed, on any issue), you simply need to know that he communciates with you on levels deeper than the latest political scandal or what you had for dinner last night. If this refusal to talk about sexual matters continues, if he continues to change the subject when you bring it up, then I strongly suggest you change him; the boyfriend. You may feel you “lost” eight years, but that is nothing compared to losing the rest of your life to someone who makes you feel “rejected, unwanted and even insulted.”

All the best!

MG Holmes


(BodyMind Vol. 3 No. 9 - First posted: 6-3-99)


1