Dear Dr. Holmes:

I'm forty years old and will be turning 41 soon. I had two previous girlfriends where the relationships failed and were short lived. I am single and currently attracted to a twenty-eight year old woman from the provinces. I am originally from Manila and don't mind traveling to her hometown to pay her a visit. We have known each other since August of last year, but I only started to seriously think of and court her last December. My problem lies in my relating to her effectively since I always use my two previous relationships as an indicator on whether I am doing well or not.

My two previous relationships were relatively easy since we could comfortably resort to petting, necking, and eventually pre-marital sex in a motel or a dark, isolated portion of a public park. With this one, however, I am not too successful since she is always escorted, even during my home visits to her. So I ask myself, How can I get it on with her? Should I continue with the pursuit or not?

Dr. Holmes, I genuinely like her and on occasion at night, I fantasize about her, to the extent that I simply jerk off to the point of orgasm. I feel guilty though because I couldn't share that moment with her. Thus, is it wise for me to continue pursuing her or not ? Dr. Holmes, please advise me.

MB

Dear MB:

First of all, there is no need to feel guilty for masturbating about her since this harms her in no way. Her not being able to share the moment with you, right now, is just something that will make your eventual coupling sweeter. And if that coupling never happens, well, then there are some quarters who would insist that it was just as well that she didn’t even know about your fantasies. If you are in this only for the sex, then go for solution A: definitely quit pursuing her and go for the easier prey you are used to.

If you are in this 50% for the sex and 50% for the relationship, go for solution B: give yourself a cut off date beyond which you will stop should nothing sexual have happened between you by then. That may seem a little cold to some, but if sex is that important to you, then it is best you put a time limit on things so as not to “waste your time.” However, if you are more relationship- rather than sex-motivated, you might remind yourself that you are in this for the total person, and knowing that total person takes time; time to find out if she is just as conservative as her family that insists on her being chaperoned; time to decide whether her other qualities more than make up for her and/or her family’s conservatism. Should you decide that she isn't worth it, no problem, you can do as in solution B. If, however, you decide she is worth it, then again time is needed: this time to convince her that, despite your liberalism, you too are worth holding on to.

All the best!

MG Holmes

Bonus column!

Dear Dr. Holmes,

I am a 42 year old married man with a fairly good sex life. One thing is bothering me though: I have always dreamed of making love to an older woman. It started when I was in my late twenties. At that time, I wanted to make love to a 40-year old woman. I thought I could (and would) outgrow it but I never did.

Now, at my age, I still dream of making love to older women, which you can guess, are women in their late fifties. Actually, as time goes on, it has become an obsession. Am I a pervert? Another thing, I doubt that this obsession will be realized if I wait much longer. Ten to twenty years from now, I will be fantasizing about, and longing for, women in their 80's.

If only there could be women who could fulfill my fantasies now! I I am sexually active and disease-free.

JNB of Caloocan City

Dear JNB:

No, you are not a pervert in wanting to sleep with women twenty years your senior. You are, in fact probably smarter than the rest of us (except Benjamin Franklin who suggested doing the very same thing). Perverts are usually despised or, at the very least, disdained whereas you, Mr. JNB, are the epitome of an older woman's dream come true. I would say you were mine too, but, alas, I am but a baby as far as you're concerned, being a mere 7 years older.

You may have a problem if this becomes an obsesion to the point of absurdity. If you cannot work as competently nor love (and lust) as effectively because your wanting to sleep with an older woman always gets in the way.

And as for being in a hurry to realize this fantasy, otherwise "I will be longing for women in their 80's"...I wouldn't be all that worried if I were you. Not if E.B. White is to be believed. And I, for one, see no reason to doubt him. He did, after all, edit the New Yorker for the longest time, when it was still what every self-respecting magazine aspired, but never quite managed, to emulate. He also wrote some pretty fine books: "The Elements of Style" (with William Strunk, Jr.) and "Is Sex Necessary?" (with James Thurber) and "Charlotte's Web" (all by himself). In an essay called "Phases," E.B. White says (and far more cleverly than I am paraphrasing him at the moment) that people in their eighties are far more open minded than those in their sixties, seventies and, indeed, their forties and fifties. Thus, if you are still willing to bed 80-year old women by the time you're 60, I have a feeling you will have more takers then than you would've had were these women ten or twenty years younger...

...which is not to say you should kick an older woman who begs to bed you at this present time, but, alas, I am merely good for suggesting paradigm shifts and occasionally perhaps, egging one on, but hardly capable of suggesting possible partners. All the best, both today, twenty years hence and all the years--and nights!--in between.

MG Holmes

(BodyMind Vol. 3 No. 11 - First posted: 6-20-99)

---