Dear Dr. Holmes:I'm 30 years old, already had a string of boyfriends (I can't count how many anymore) but none of them proposed marriage to me. Perhaps I don't get to stay long enough in a relationship to wait for the boyfriend to do so, yet I don't really have any regrets about this. Looking back, I'm glad I didn't marry any of them. But that worries me.
I would love to be married and build a family, yet those that I have been with don't seem to be into "marrying." Checking on my previous boyfriends, I realized that some of them got married ONLY because they got their girlfriends pregnant (which, as you know, is quite common in the Philippines). As per my principle, I wouldn't want this to be the reason for marrying. I am perhaps a hopeless romantic, but I intend to stick to this thinking until the end.
I think I'm nice enough to be liked easily (I have strong PR), I am also pretty and sexy enough to attract others (I'm always asked for dates), intelligent enough to be admired (I can easily impress people after they get to know me more), funny enough to make anyone laugh (this comes out naturally) and talented enough (shyless at that) to keep everyone entertained (I sing well and I play the guitar). Not that I'm bragging here, but I am merely trying to give you a clue as to what kind of person I am.
Anyway, I know that my biological clock is ticking and thought that if I don't get lucky becoming a wife, I should at least let myself become a mother--let myself experience the true essence of being a woman (as mentioned by a Miss Universe from India that made her win the title).
Until what age is it safe (and possible) for a woman to give birth for the first time? I have a friend who got married at age 36. She's 41 now and still childless (and hopeless). I wouldn't want that to happen to me.
Am I being selfish, thinking of myself alone and not of my fatherless child-to-be? I know this may affect the child's growth (specifically psychological stability) but I am without a clue since I came from a good family. I know that I can become the best mother to my child, but there may be things that I may have to watch out for to ensure my child grows healthily (in all aspects).
I also wonder what impression this creates on men in general. Would becoming a single mother lessen my chance to get married even more? Am I thinking right?
Thank you and I hope you don't get tired analyzing and answering to people's crazy minds.
Sincerely, Weddingless Bride
Dear Weddingless Bride:Thank you very much for your letter. In it you asked me 4 questions. Allow me to answer your last three and wait until I get back to the Philippines to answer the first one, okay? I can give you a competent answer re: “Until what age is it safe (and possible) for a woman to give birth for the first time?” which is what your first question is. But competent is not what this column is all about (or so I like to delude myself). It is also cutting edge (based on the latest research available) and wise. For your question, wisdom would mean having extensive actual experience dealing with pregnant women of all ages (the way an excellent OB/GYN would but alas, a psychologist need not have) and the breadth of mind and heart to be able and willing to integrate all that is general with the specifics of your situation. I know no such OB/GYN in London who would take the time to answer question 1 for free. However, in Manila, I know several, Dr. John Teotico being the best among them. I shall ask him straight away upon my return, okay?
On to question #2: “Am I being selfish thinking of myself alone, and not of my fatherless child-to-be?”
Absolutely not. The fact that you are aware that being fatherless may affect the child’s stability and are willing to give up having a child if it may show that you care more for your child than yourself. Research also shows—and my clinical experience bears out—that single mothers can make excellent parents. Admittedly, and all things being equal, it would be better if your child had both mother and father living together and caring for him under the same roof. But having a father who had to marry his mother because she was pregnant or having parents just going through the motions of a fully committed marriage is not as good as having a secure, confident, competent, generous (in mind and spirit) single mother who loves her child and is soooo glad they are together.
Question #3: “I also wonder what impression this creates on men in general. Would becoming a single mother lessen my chance to get married even more?”
Probably so, but what the hell. A man who would be put off simply because you are a single other is not the sort of man you wish to be married to anyway.
Again, all things being equal and in the best of possible worlds, being a single mother would not only not put off eligible guys, but it would be a magnet for a man who would be an excellent match for you (because he would understand, without needing to be told, why you chose to be a single mother at the time in your life when you did). But does such a man exist? I honestly don’t know. What I do know is that love comes in the most unexpected places and when you least expect it. Don’t settle for second best. A man who wouldn’t consider you as wife material simply because you had a child out of wedlock is definitely third rate and is best avoided. In a way, you might even look at your having a child as a litmus test, winnowing out the non eligibles, thus enabling you to save time and energy by focusing simply on the egible ones. And if none come along next month or even next year, what the hell. At least your life is not put on hold for some mythical man who may not even come along. Living as fully and passionately as you choose to on your own terms is not for everyone, but seems like one tailor-made for you.
Question #4: “Am I thinking right?”
Abso-bloody-lutely. You think not only with your head, but also with your heart. You look at yourself unflinchingly and are willing to ask yourself some hard questions. Just as important, you feel not only with your heart, but also with your head. If this is thinking wrong, may we all be wrong thinkers. Take care of yourself and please don't hesitate to ask me any more questions.
All the best!
MG Holmes
(BodyMind Vol. 4 No. 5 - First posted: 5-8-00)
