Dear Dr Holmes:

I am 27 years old, still single and devirginized just recently to a married man; although he didn't penetrate his penis through me, he just pushed it in my vagina. It hurt and fresh blood flowed down my legs. We both got scared. Fortunately, I believe I'm not pregnant.

Here are my questions: 1. Is there any possibility that I can regain my virginity? How? 2. If I am pregnant, what can I do to prevent it?

Lonely Lady

Dear LONELY LADY:

Thank you very much for your letter. I hope this column will give you the answers you need to make sense of what just happened between you and your boyfriend. Since it signifies a goodbye to one's childhood as one knew it, it is always at least a bit sad to "lose one's virginity" even under the best circumstances. However, when it occurs under circumstances similar to yours, it becomes particularly difficult. First off, you are a Filipina and thus raised to believe the poppycock that you should've saved it for your husband. Secondly, you are probably Catholic and thus raised to believe the absurdity that having sex outside marriage is automatically immoral. Finally, you did it with a married man which means you cannot even rationalize that "It's okay we'll be married in a few days/weeks/months anyway," the way women who have sex with their single boyfriends can.

Living in one of the last two countries in the world where divorce is still illegal, you cannot hope for anything less than death before your boyfriend can be truly free to marry you. Not that I'm encouraging you to hope for such a permanent solution; not even that I'm suggesting you plan to marrry your boyfriend or someone remotely like him. Quite the contrary, but this is grist for another column.

For this column. let me concentrate on giving you the facts that you want as long as you realize that, together with these cold, hard facts is the reassurance that you can always write to me again for more facts or, oftentimes more important, a paradigm that will have more meaning and give more heart and sense to your experience than the one you (and many of us supposedly God-fearing but, in reality, simply non-thinking Filipinas) are using right now.

1. If you meant your first question philosophically, poetically or figuratively, I could say with great conviction that yes, you can regain your virginity if you wanted. The reasons for my yes could range from the old standby "Each time is the first time" to the other platitude" "If you think you're a virgin, then you are one," to yet another truism: "Virginity is a state of mind".

However, if you meant your question literally and physically, alas, the answer is no. Virginity is the state of never having had intercourse. You cannot go back to a state of never having something if you've already had it.

This is so no matter what you do, no matter what operation you undergo. I thought I'd mention such operations (called "flower arrangement" in layman's terms) because some women mistakenly assume that just because they undergo operations that pull in their pubococcygeal muscles and thus make their vaginas tighter, that immediately makes them virgins once more. Not so.

Virginity is not a case of:" If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it is a duck." A woman may do lots of things to make her feel like virgin (good and tight); practice saying things that make her talk like a virgin (Ikaw ang pinaka-unang lalaki sa buhay ko." i.e., "you are the very first man in my life " and sometimes even act like a virgin, (shy, inexperience, tad clumsy--all of which can be incredibly appealing, quite endearing and, alas. sometimes exasperating depending on other factors). Even more ironic, a woman need NOT be putting on an act when she behaves this way. This may be exactly the way she would've behaved even if she weren't pretending. BUT if she has had sex even even once before --yes, yes, even if it was lousy (which it very often can be the first time) even if it was hurried and painful, even if she wishes she had never done it-- then she is no longer a virgin.

It is as plain and simple as that. I emphasize this fact not to make women guard their virginities with even more zeal that they already do. (Good heavens! I do not believe in belaboring overly-belabored points) but, rather, to help us realize the absurdity of using virginity as the basis for being a good wife or mother. We give far too much importance to keeping our legs together and not enough to sharpening our minds or listening to our hearts.

So, LL, if what you meant by this first question of yours is really "Can I undergo an operation to make the man in my life think I'm still a virgin?" the answer is: "I suppose you could," but that wouldn't make you one. In addition to asking all these questions of me, perhaps you could ask yourself a couple also: "Why do I have to go through all this rigmarole to pretend I'm something I'm not. Is it possible that this man isn't the one for me at all?"

2. If you're already pregnant, there is nothing you can do to prevent said pregnancy. If you are pregnant, there are only two things you can do: continue with the pregnancy or (2) terminate it.

If the former, do everythiing you can to give your child the best care you can. If the latter, find the professional who will not be judgmental, will listen to your needs rather than impose her own and will be willing (and able) to refer you to a competent, caring abortionist should you need one. Yes, there are such people around, although admittedly, it takes a lot of hard work (and good networking) to find them. Again - sigh! - it is especially difficult to do so in a country like ours where abortion is still considered a crime. But it is definitely do-able. I wish I were in the Philippines so I could help you more directly, but since I am here in North America at the moment, all I can do is answer all your questions as honestly and caringly as I possibly can and reaasure you that other women )good and intelligent like yourself) have gone through what you are going through right now and have not only survived, but become better people for it. Please write if there is anything else I can do for you. My best wishes...

MG Holmes

(BodyMind Vol. 2 No. 17 - First posted: 5-30-98)

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