Dear Dr. Holmes:

I am painfully lacking in social grace. Bonding is so very difficult for me that at 31 years of age, only two people are close to me - my youngest sister and my boyfriend.

At age 14 I was initiated into the world of school politics, an area where I was a prominent leader until I graduated from college. I found tremendous meaning in this field and it received my single-minded devotion.

My activist involvement paradoxically tempered me. My mother had repeatedly noted my mellowing down since then. But it did not mean that there was a corresponding improvement in my social skills. I was as isolated as before; my social venues were meetings, conferences, symposia. I was doing very well in public gatherings but my personal encounters were (and are) pathetic. Sans a set agenda, I had very little to say. Things became more difficult after college. I struck no close friendships at work, even though I was an effective worker and was far from boisterous.

I began to feel the problem acutely when I studied abroad. Despite the presence of fellow Filipinos in my group, I simply failed to fit. There was no open hostility, just a falling out because of personality differences. I must have given them the impression that I was too square, therefore, threatening, even boring. I just thought that probably they were right so I stayed away. But I experienced no problem dealing with other cultures like Europeans and Africans. Still I must have been lonely enough to end up reluctantly loving somebody who was and is miles away from my world and who on his own was having trouble mixing. I can't imagine how I managed to go through what I felt was a big mistake (considering that we were both committed - albeit still single - to other people). But that's another story...

The point is that the encounter opened a socio-emotional floodgate. I realized that as far as I can remember I was always the proverbial moth in Rizal's tale that kept hovering close to the flame. The moth had its reasons of its own for which it perished, and that's where the analogy ends. I still survive yet my case is one of perennial teetering at the brink of (socio-emotional) disasters. I got involved with men who were totally incompatible with me or were bound elsewhere. I missed out on certain awards for gross acts of negligence or apathy. I hardly saw these coming nor knew how to handle them when they came. I was probably miserable all that time but I do not remember feeling anything emotionally compelling. The past was all just a speedy blur of motion.

Now my boyfriend wants a marriage by the end of this year. I am ambivalent about the whole thing. He is a wonderful man - responsible, supportive, intelligent, and loyal. Yet I feel I am not up to getting committed for life. Rightly or wrongly, I sense that I have been missing something very vital for the past decades.

Yet I am all too aware of the risk that I may be losing my boyfriend who - aside from my sister - is the only person who has ever made me feel good about myself. And knowing him for the past four years, I am confident we can live harmoniously together.

What is happening here? Am I just pining for what might have been, having marriage jitters, or simply downright insecure to take an emotional risk? Do I need therapy? If yes, can you recommend someone? I dread the thought of ending up like Rizal's moth by default. Thank you for giving me your precious time.

ALICE

Dear ALICE:

Thank you very much for your letter. If you have the time and the resources (is it P300-500 per therapy session) and the inclination, therapy might be good,...maybe for 5-10 sessions. Dr. Dido Villasor at Makati Med is excellent.

What I hear from you is a need to understand your past, to come to terms with why you got involved with men totally incompatible with you or were bound elsewhere (UNLESS...UNLESS you are sure you are completely over that in which case you needn't beat yourself over the head over something that was just a phase in your life. If however, you feel it is less like a phase and more like a pattern, I strongly urge you spend time over trying to figure this out).

In addition, you also seem to have a need (and understandably so) to discover why "I missed out on certain awards for gross acts of negligence or apathy. I hardly saw these coming nor knew how to handle them when they came. I was probably miserable all that time but I do not remember feeling anything emotionally compelling. The past was all just a speedy blur of motion." It would be a good idea to try and understand these things (and this is where therapy can be helpful) so that, in case, you have some unresolved issues they can be, if not completely resolved at least on the way to getting there by the time you get married. We just don't want denial ("I'm fine, no, really, I'm fine") to be the order of the day. You certainly deserve more than that.

I have no doubts that, should you want to get married in the future you will be able to. I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't think this is your one and only chance to do it. and thus don't make your decision to marry based on a fear that it is a now-or-never proposition.

It seems you have two choices: You can take the path of least resistance, pooh-pooh your concerns simply as marriage jitters, insecurity of making an emotional commitment, etc. etc. and marry your boyfriend and be fairly comfortable knowing you are compatible and will get along well.

OR...you can take a giant leap of faith and say you want time for yourself. Time to work out what, exactly, if any, the very vital thing you have been missing not only the past decades but also *now* is. There are no guarantees with this second decision. And it is loads scarier than the first because, there is less of a guarantee involved. But you know as well as I that all guarantees are illusions anyway. SO...if I were you, I wouldn't settle for second best. I would hold out for the brass ring. I would not get married until I were absolutely sure he were the great love of my life...instead of now, when you are absolutely sure that he is a decent, honest man who can make you feel good.

Also, while the second option is scarier, the rewards--being your own person, discovering vital aspects about yourself, knowing what you need in a marriage partner to be truly compatible,etc. --are far greater. As Wordsworth said: "Only the brave deserve the fair."

MY best wishes!

MG Holmes

(BodyMind Vol. 2 No. 16 - First posted: 5-2-98)

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