Dear DR. Holmes:

I’m 22. I feel so guilty about getting carried away and doing things that only married people should do. I had a boyfriend last year and we had sex. But my conscience got the best of me so I pulled away just when he was about to put in the whole thing. The question is because he just put in one third of the whole thing (but I had mild bleeding in my flower) am I still a virgin? I’ve been so worried about this ever since our breakup. I am ashamed to face my future husband. Please give me your advice.

ARIEN

Dear ARIEN,

While some schools of thought (usually of the touchy-feely pursuasion) like to say that virginity is a state of mind, sexologists define virginity the way the rest of science does: the state of never having had sexual intercourse. For a woman, it would thus mean not having had a penis enter her vagina. I used to think that being a virgin, like being pregnant, was an either/or sort of thing. In the same way you can’t be half pregnant, (you either are or you aren’t), neither can you be two-thirds a virgin. Your letter changed all that. Who, indeed, should say when a penis has entered a vagina deeply enough to mean actually devirginizing the woman (to whom the vagina belongs)? Certainly not me; nor, to date, has any other responsible scientist. Thus, why don’t you decide that having had a third of a penis inside you does NOT mean you are no longer a virgin?

It would be just as valid a decision as anything I could give you. What I can give you, however, is the suggestion that you have refrained from behaving the way married people do. Most married people have sex more than one-third of one time and don’t feel guilty about it. Thus, you have no need to be ashamed to face your future husband because it sounds like you are determined to act like a wife to him and only him. If, however, your future husband sets great store by such incidentals like how deeply an ex-boyfriend’s penis entered you once, might I also suggest that it is he and not you who should be ashamed. Puwede ba?!!? Ang babaw babaw naman ng pag-iisip niya!

All the best!

MG Holmes

(BodyMind Vol. 3 No. 8 - First posted: 5-23-99)

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