Dear Dr. Holmes:

My girlfriend and I have been going on for almost 9 months and we have sexual relations but no intercourse. Her vagina is too tight. I’ve tried to insert my penis but it doesn’t go inside. I have even tried to put even just my finger inside her but she says it hurts. Is there a way that her vaginal opening can be made looser or more flexible? I am in a real quandary here. I’ve thought about using a vibrator but would like to do this naturally. Please help since we are both getting frustrated.

ANGELO

Dear ANGELO:

Thank you very much for your letter. It sounds like your girlfriend has vaginismus, which is characterized by strong involuntary contractions of the muscles in the outer third of the vagina. Vaginismus is usally a result of one or a combination of the following: chronic painful intercourse, repeated erectile difficulties of the woman’s partner, strong orthodox religious and/or cultural taboos about sex, a homosexual orientation, past physical or sexual assault or feelings of hostility or fear towards men in general or the partner in particular. Thus, the problem is hardly ever physical but rather psychological in origin. Thus, using vibrators, “having her hymen cut” and other simply physical approaches won’t work.

If your girlfriend has been traumatized either by actual physical abuse or even by psychological (indeed, even cultural) abuse, as in believing that tired, worn out dichotomy about men “wanting only one thing from women and when they get it they leave the women flat,” then it will take her longer to be relaxed enough to have your finger, and then eventually your penis enter her without it hurting.

The idea is to get her to trust you and then eventually your finger and your penis enough to allow penetration. While vaginismus is not that common a problem among women (a 1990 study by Dr. Renshaw that was published in Clinical Practice in Sexuality estimated that 2% of women have vaginismus), it occurs often enough for sex therapists to have come up with a program called systematic desensitization to help alleviate it. Please write me again if you want to know more about this.

All the best!

MG Holmes

(BodyMind Vol. 3 No. 4 - First posted: 4-18-99)

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