Dear Miss Holmes,Good day!! I really thank you for this website as I am a very private person. I don't think I will be able to face a psychiatrist. So this medium is the perfect one for me.
Let me first give you some background of myself. I am a 30-year old "supposed to be" happily married woman. I would like to think that I have a wonderful, sweet, very understanding, smart, adorable husband (understanding in a way that I can tell him anything, I can do anything without the fear of being abandoned or criticized or judged.) They say I am much better looking than my husband. but it doesn't really bother me as I've always wanted me to be more beautiful than my man. To anybody else's standard, I should say I am pretty good-looking. I have been working as a Fligth Attendant for 7 years now and so far am still enjoying my chosen career.
I didn't really have a happy childhood. My father was an alcoholic, not a very good provider, embarrassed my mom in front of anybody if he felt like it, hit her occassionally... He's supposed to be a very intelligent person, a good-looking one at that, but I don't know...Maybe he didn't love us enough to make something of himself so he could support us financially and give us the emotional and psychological support we badly needed while we were growing up.
I have an older brother who got so affected by all these childhood traumas that he had to lead an equally difficult adult life, but he's okay now. I also have an older sister who'd been very mature, yet insecure about all our crap experiences. As a victim of an abusive father (though he could be really sweet at times), we became so much closer to our mom. We were all so dependent on her in all aspects of our childhood life. I should say she is a very good woman, she is not perfect of course, but as a typical mom, she's always the most loving, most supportive of all our endeavours.
In spite of all our bad experiences, the humiliation of having an alcoholic father, the deprivation of basic necessities as children, I guess we managed to grow up fine. Eventually when I was like 12 years old, my mom had to go to the US to fulfil the financial obligation that my father was not capable to provide. My brother was in college then, and my sister was about to go to college too, so she didn't really have a choice but to be strong and leave us behind so we could have a better education or any education at all. That was one of the biggest blows of my life....But life has to go on...I had to finish my high school and college without my mom beside me. Worst, my father's alcoholism worsened and through all that, my mom had to give him financial support too. Up to now, I still don't understand how my mom could be so loving and supportive of my dad up to the end.
Eventually my dad passed away from liver cyrrhosis. It was the saddest day of my life, yet for the first time I breathe without feeling any pain. I feel so much lighter...yet I miss him like crazy.... Some would say I am a very smart and sensible person. As a matter of fact, in my company, I am one of the professional counsellors. I do this counselling to a cabin crew who feels like talking to us through the telephone about anything at all. Aside from that fact, I read really intellectual and self-help books, so more or less I know how my situation is.(Or do I?)
I am not a very religious person. As a matter of fact, I am very anti-organized religion, though I grew up in a very strict Catholic upbringing. So more or less, much as I hate to admit it, religion still plays a very strong influence regarding my conscience. Being a Philosophy major also, I am very open to people's ways of life. In short, I am basically a non-judgmental person. I give a lot of allowances to other people. I don't get shocked so easily when it comes to people's preferences.
My concern now is... 1.)Why am I not sexually attracted to my husband? I am supposed to be a very sexual person. I am even open to any sexual absurdities. In fairness to my husband, I think he is doing everything he can to arouse me. Yeah, I get orgasms...but I never initiate sex. I like sex better alone, if you know what I mean. I am even unconfortable showing my husband that I am aroused. Please help me.
MRS. LOST
Dear MRS. LOST:Thank you very much for your letter. I would like very much to help you. More than that, I am optimistic that I can: You are bright enough to know that childhood impacts on our lives in the strangest—yetdeepest-ways and you are honest to a T, no matter what conclusions people reading your letter may draw (rightly or wrongly).
What has happened to you is one of two things that most commonly happens to adults who have had alcoholic parents: you intellectualize what has happened, make sure the same never happens to you, and yet, without meaning to, or indeed being aware of it, fall into similar-type traps yourself.
You are too smart to fall into the same traps literally. Thus you haven’t married an alcoholic or anyone remotely capable of substance abuse. Neither have you suffered in silence, being the martyr wife your mother was. So far so good. And if your vigilance regarding never falling into the same traps your mother fell in remained on the literal level, it would not only be good, it would be terrific!
But sex, especially if it is good, has a way of entrapping even the most intellectual and philosophical among us. At least, that’s what it is supposed to do when it is good and done right (with a trustworthy person who validates your being A-N-D with a person who fits you like a glove. (Very important is that second ingredient.) In politically correct circles, (ugh) the first ingredient—the right (emotional) partner is all you need for good sex. Not true. It may be all you need for adequate sex—-to have kids, to do “your duty,” etc.-—but not for get-down-on-your-knees-and-thank-God-you’re-alive sex. This, the GDOYKATGYA (get-down-on-your-knees-and-thank-God-you’re-alive), also known as JICBML (Jesus-I-can’t believe-my-luck) kind of sex is what you’ve been avoiding with your husband.
I don’t know if this is the kind of sex your mother had with your father at one time in their lives. I don’t know if you know yourself. But we are women who have been around enough to know that this is the kind of sex that sometimes makes women into martyrs and rational human beings into whimpering, masses of jelly. If we’re lucky, the men who get us to feel this way don’t take advantage of us (or we recover quickly enough not to let it affect our entire lives). And if we’re unlucky, (sigh) we become the bug instead of the windshield, something you have vowed never to happen to you.
I don’t know what sort of man your husband is, nor what sort of sex you could have with him if both he and you truly let go of your fears and inhibitions. All I know is this; before you can even approach having terrific—-as opposed to merely adequate-—sex with him (so that you get to the point that you prefer making love to masturbation, for example), you will have to let go of your intellectualizing enough to give each other a chance. Having made sure your life was as strictly compartmentalized as you have (and I understand why you had a need to), it will help to (1) share these things with your husband and (2) see a therapist for awhile. I don’t know if our corresponding for awhile could take the place of therapy, but I am willing to give it a try if you are. No matter what you decide, take care of yourself and know there’s a lot waiting for you out there.
All the best!
MG Holmes
(BodyMind Vol. 4 No. 4 - First posted: 4-15-00)
