Dear Dr. Holmes:

There is a question which I would appreciate your comments on.

Firstly, a brief overview of the situation. I am a New Zealander. In Novemeber 1996 I began a correspondence relationship with a Filipina named Angela, following an introduction by her cousin, who lives in New Zealand. We enjoyed our communication so much that in November I traveled to the Philippines, and spent 2 wonderful weeks with Angela, as a guest of her family in Leyte. We have fallen "head over heels" in love, and since my return to New Zealand, have further strengthened the relationship through regular letter and phone contact. We are planning to marry in November, and already the arrangements for the wedding and her subsequent immigration to New Zealand are being put in place. I am very excited about all this, and feel confident that we are a good match for each other, and can create a good future together.

There is an age and experience gap between us. She is 29, and tells me she has never before been romantically involved with a man. I am 47, and have already been married twice before. I have 2 children, aged 21 and 18, from my first marriage, and have had a vasectomy. Susan was at first upset when she found out that I could not have any more children, but she now says that she has accepted this.

We have not discussed the subject of sex very extensively. She told me her attitude is: "You'll be the one to teach me everything." Based on what I know about her so far, I am sure that we will develop a very positive sexual relationship. However, I have a particular concern, because there is a sexual practice (erotic spanking, as it happens, though I guess my question would apply to any untraditional desire), which I like to include occasionally in my sex life. This has been a feature of my previous relationships, and is reasonably important to me. My natural tendency would be to wait until after our marriage, and gently explore this option with Susan, when the time is ripe. But if it turns out that she can't accommodate this, it will definitely be an incompatibility. By the way, I love her enough that I would be willing to live with this incompatibility, but I know there would be times when I would be "yearning." My other option is to try to discuss it with her in advance, to see how adventurous she is willing to be. However, at the moment, she is shy and naive about 'standard sex,' so I fear that trying to get explicit, by letter, about a range of sexual behavior would be very challenging.

What would you advise?

Yours sincerely,

Martin

Dear Martin:

Thank you very much for your letter and for your very clear way of expressing yourself. Let me see if I’ve got this right: Erotic spanking is a facet of your sexuality that you would like very much to include in your lovemaking with Susan. However, since she is very conservative, you worry she may balk at this and if she does, it would be something you would yearn for BUT (and this is a very important but, Martin) is something you could live with because you love her enough to forego this if necessary (But only if necessary which you wish would not be so).

It might be a good idea to try and broach this subject by letter first, if and only if: (1) mail takes no longer than a week to get to you and to her, (2) you and she have already shared many secrets with each other by mail and, most importantly, (3) you are sure her English is good enough that she needn’t go to someone else (her older brother, for example, or the town gossip) to translate your letters for her.

Otherwise, I strongly suggest you wait until after the marriage to tell her about your desires.

Take note, please, Martin, that I would ordinarily *not* suggest one wait until after marriage to talk about something like this. It is just because (1) letters can sometimes be misunderstood, especially if they are not private and, even more importantly, (2) it is very clear that, in the unlikely event that she refuses 100% to engage in erotic spanking, it still is not a “deal breaker” for you; i.e., you still would want to go through the marriage no matter what her decision is about spanking.

You have several things going for both of you: Your love for each other and hence your willingness, aye, *eagerness* even, to please each other and her suggestion to you that “You'll be the one to teach me everything.” That means she would be relatively open to most things you suggest, provided you place things in context and do things slowly.

I cannot underscore bringing things up (in a manner of speaking) gently, as opposed to abruptly. Even if you prefer relatively hard spanking (which you may not) , I suggest you start out with light taps on the bum so that you don’t scare the living daylights out of her. This does not mean you have to *talk* about it first. Provided the first spanks are light (and thus not frightening) you can start out with action and see what her reaction to this is.

If there is no reaction whatsoever, terrific! That means she thinks light taps (and, who knows, even less than light taps) are part and parcel of love. Then you can tell her how much you enjoy erotic spanking and how you look forward to doing more of this with her, provided she’s comfortable with it. If she says (or even hints) she isn’t comfortable, then you and she can talk about it.

If the reaction is negative, however, then, again, you can talk about it. By negative, I include hesitation, embarrassment, surprise. I presume the reaction won’t be all *that* extreme, since the spanking you start out with will be relatively light anyway. First, apologize for scaring her, then ask her how you can include this in your lovemaking without her being so scared.

Remember, too, that some things take time to adjust to and spanking may be one of those things; meaning, just because she doesn’t like it the first week of your honeymoon doesn’t mean she won’t be willing to try it by the time your first anniversary rolls around. I have a feeling that, as long as you reassure her that you love her much much more than you need the spanking, as long as this is not something you *must* have at all costs (which thus makes it frightening beyond belief), then she will be open to trying anything and everyhting with you. All the best!

MG Holmes

(BodyMind Vol. 2 No. 14 - First posted: 4-13-98)

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