(This is part two of a two-part series. Part one appeared last week.)

Dear MAY:

I ended last Tuesday’s column with the promise of Part III which is to deal with some unasked questions that were either (1) at the tip of your tongue or (2) should’ve been.

For your tip of the tongue question: “what about my father who says he's gonna curse me if I become a ‘separada’."

What about him indeed. There are two separate issues involved here: the basis of his concern that you will be a “separada” and the kind of parenting he exudes in being concerned about such things.

As far as being ‘separada” is concerned, puh-leez, Manila is *full* of separadas. You are not going to stick out like a sore thumb because of your unmarried state. and even if you did, isn’t that a small price to pay for being able to able to live in truth instead of living a lie every day of your life by staying married to a man you don’t love?

Just remember that when your father threatens to curses you. You would be cursed enough if you were forced to continue in your sham of a marriage. Those would be (very sharp) sticks and (awfully heavy) stones that could definitely break your bones.

As for your father’s name-calling, well...that hurts an awful lot too, but not in a bone-breaking way.

And I will tell you a secret: It will hurt a lot less if you put things into clearer perspective.

And that is,..that your father is a shit.

Parents are to be there for their children. Instead of being on your side, not only did he not come through firmly and unequivocally in your corner, he didn’t stay bloody neutral. It would be different if he entreated you to consider your decision because he thinks your husband a good man. But to not want you to leave simply because you would be a “separada”?!!? Give me a bloody break!

This is how grade schoolers think, not fathers of twenty-nine year old women.

Forgive me for telling you things in such a straightforward manner. But you are confused enough without your father’s distracting tactics to add to your confusion.

He is not only *not* neutral, he is clearly on the other side! He is on the side that values superficialities like what people might say behind your back as compared to the what sort of life you can honestly live.

I am so very sorry, MAY. It is awful not to have a parent who cares for you and your peace of mind; but isn’t it better to know that so that you no longer have to live under a false illusions that (1) what he says has merit and (2) it would be *awful* to hurt your father since he cares so much about you. You can’t erase the pain, but you can at least minimize the guilt.

Speaking of illusions, I would like to shatter one more, and this has to do with an unasked question that should’ve been: (1) Is this all my fault? (Most definitely not) And if it isn’t (2) why am I behaving as though it is? (Beats me, but you’ve gotta stop this, girl!). Actually, I think I know the reason, and that is because you have been living under several illusions: You feel guilty because you definitely want out. Because you do and he claims he doesn’t, you feel you are the bad person. But MAY, it is very easy *not* to want to end your marriage when your wife not only “doesn’t mind his going out with other girls because I want him to find his own happiness,” but thinks it’s all her fault that he does. Just because he can say he doesn’t want to end the marriage doesn’t mean he’s so good and you’re so bad. You don’t want to end the marriage? You honestly and truly love your wife? Then prove it by not running around on her and by dealing with the issues she’s brought up.

I am not saying this will make your marriage work. In fact, like you, I feel this marriage is ended. All I am saying is, stop taking *all* the blame for its end. Believe me, your husband had a lot to do with it too.

...ex boyfriend or no ex-boyfriend. MAY, this column has gone on too long for me to deal extensively with him. But I take your word that you don’t intend to live with him, okay? Please write to me if there is anything else I can do.

All the best!

MG Holmes

(BodyMind Vol. 2 No. 10 - First posted: 3-9-98)

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