(This is part one of a two-part series. Part two will appear next week.)

Dear Dr. Holmes,

I couldn't have peace of mind unless I hear from you. I'm not in love with my husband anymore. We've been married for almost 2 years and we have a 1-year old son. I realized I still love my ex-boyfriend/best friend. We still communicate with each other as friends.

I married my husband because I got pregnant and I "thought" I loved him then. It was a whirlwind romance. As I got to know my husband, I got totally turned off by his family, his attitude, and their environment. I found him inferior to me intellectually, and we were of different "breeds". We had different interests and attitudes. I think it is a case of love on the rebound.

I have lost my respect for him. I want to get out of this marriage because I am so unhappy. I don't mind his going out with other girls because I want him to find his own happiness. I'm not even jealous. I know he loves me, but it cannot work with love being only one way. I have been very irresponsible to him and we haven't had sex for over a year. I couldn't do it. I told him I'm not happy with him anymore and he doesn't deserve me. But he believes in working it out because he doesn't want our son to have a broken family.

I am not planning to move in with my ex-boyfriend either. I just want to have a happy life with my son alone.

I am old enough (29) but my father says he's gonna curse me if I become a "separada." Shall I be afraid of what other people would say and continue to be unhappy all my life? Shall I continue my marriage without love for my son's sake?

Right now, I am just waiting for myself to have a stable job so I can support my son when I decide to leave. Do you think I have grounds for an annulment?

Please Dr. Holmes, I am living in hell. My days go on in agony. I hope you could spare a time to advice me. I will be waiting. Thank you very much and God bless you.

MAY

Dear MAY:

Thank you very much for your letter which brings up a lot of very hard questions, all of them which I shall try and answer even if it is to say I don’t know and you must ask somebody else.

The good news is that happens for only one question which is: “Do you think I have grounds for an annulment?” *I* think you most certainly do, but I honestly don’t know and the best way for you to find out is to ask the annulment bureau/board and if they don’t have a number in the phone book ask your local parish priest and he should be able to give you a telephone number to contact.

Now for Part II of my answer which is to move on to your other two questions to which, happily, I can give more sound advice:

(2) Shall I continue my marriage without love for my son's sake?

No, you shouldn’t continue with your marriage which is not only without love, but without respect, affection or hope. Definitely you must leave. Not only for your sake whose life is now a living hell; nor even for your husband’s sake so that he can find a woman who can appreciate who he is, but also for your son’s sake so he will not grow up thinking a loveless marriage is the norm and settling for something as confused and wanting as what you have at the moment.

People who are rabidly against separation always come up with statistics that say children in happy, intact families do much better than children in “broken” homes. Presuming the statistics are true which is a very big presumption in many cases--after all, Mark Twain, who once said: “There are three kinds of lies: lies, damn lies and statistics” was not lying himself--these statistics do not compare equal groups. Of *course* children in happy families would do better than children in unhappy families, but this is not the issue.

The issue is couples who continue to love and respect each other and couples who don’t. When comparing families where the husband and wife are in love or at clear odds, whose children do better? In my clinical experience and in research that is more methodologically sound (thus comparing families that should’ve been compared in the first place) children with parents who were forthright and honest enough to separate when no love existed did immensely better than children whose parents *also* had no love between them but continued to stay on for whatever reason (ostensibly for the children’s sake but it is hardly ever really for that).

(3) Shall I be afraid of what other people would say and continue to be unhappy all my life? You might be afraid a bit (or even a lot)--separation, after all, is not a picnic--but that shouldn’t stop you from doing what you must do. And lemme tell ya, what other people say is the *least* of your worries. Who *are* these people anyway? if they’re your friends, they won’t judge you. And if they’re not, then who the bloody hell cares *what* they think?!!? Strong words, those, but these are the words that will sustain you when people say mean, cruel and completely baseless things.

Finally, for Part III which is to deal with some unasked questions that were either (1) at the tip of your tongue or (2) should’ve been which I shall answer in my next column.

Till then, my very best wishes

MG Holmes

(BodyMind Vol. 2 No. 9 - First posted: 3-1-98)

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