Dear DR. HOLMES:

More power to your column, may our Heavenly Father bless you and your staff.

I wasn't able to fax you as soon as possible, because our microprocessor ran out of ink. I came from a broken family and I long for the love of parents. It's the usual tradition: my Mom was in Canada for almost 10 years. I'm now 24 years old. The ones who take good care of me were my grandparents but they passed away some years ago and I'm living with my popular auntie who is a doctor. (I was lucky enough in a way because at least I have a foundation to lean on when I finish my studies. It won't really be hard for me to find a job) I do hope so with the help of our Heavenly Father..

I know you are puzzled as to why, at this age of mine, I'm still studying because I stopped for 1 1/2 years due to emotional problems. No, Dr. Holmes, not the usual tradition that I'm pregnant. (Thank God I preserved my virginity).

As usual when I have a boyfriend, I pour all my love to him and afterwards (months/years), I'm the one who suffer, because they do not know that I long for parental love and not sex.

Please advise me. If possible, can you please publish my pager powerpage I.D. and say that: "Harmony looking for Chinese male protestant 24 years old above".

I really need someone always to talk to because usually my friends are in University or in the office and they are all so busy. I really need a shoulder to cry on and a friend. Ang kulit ko, no? (Am I being too noodgie, Dr. Holmes?) I apologize. Thank you for spending your time in reading this letter of mine. Just page me if my fax message is clear.

Jars of faith,

GC

Dearest GC:

You asked two things of me: (1) advice and (2) the publication of your pager ID number because you want a Chinese Male Protestant 24 years old and above whom you can "always talk to."

I will do the former but not the latter. And, much as a I hate to sound like the fuddy duddies I disdain, I have to say this is for "your own good."

Think about it, GC. You, who protest that your boyfriends mistake your longing for parental love as an invitation for sex, now want to advertise your pager number in a national newspaper where any creature, friend or foe, malicious or innocent, has the power to contact you whenever he pleases?!!? I don't think so.

Please don't be like ST actresses who pose stark naked and then complain that most guys see them as sex objects. Please don't come across as vulnerable, available and willing and then wonder why guys try to take advantage of you.

And, finally, please don't think I disdain your requesting your pager number. I'm not. Rather, I suggest you look more deeply into what messages you are sending out and decide whether these messages indeed are the ones you want men to pick up on.

If, indeed, all you want is friendship, conversation and a shoulder to cry on (i.e. NOT sex), then you are looking for them in the wrong place. You do not get all that through a newspaper column. You do not even get that through protesting to all and sundry, that "I am not that kind of girl, all I want is friendship." You certainly can't get this while pouring "all your love to your boyfriend" and behaving like a doormat.

It is not that all guys are selfish bastards. Just that, given half a chance (and getting the wrong signals from their girlfriends) they can very easily become so (all the while rationalizing that what they are displaying is not really callousness and/or utter boorishness, but a macho kind of love that their girlfriend "really wants").

If indeed, you do not want sex but a facsimile of parental love, then you are looking for love in all the wrong places. Honey, the pages of a newspaper ain't it, never have been and never can be. Alas, CG, if it's really parental love you want, me thinks you are not gonna get it at all. At least, not from the "Chinese Male Protestants 24 years old and above" you want to advertise for. There are other, more direct ways to find love, which I am willing to share with you if you write me again.

In the meantime, thank you so much for your "jars of faith" which I happily accept. Am sending you jugs of hope and, while I'm at it, pitchers of charity as well.

All the best

MG Holmes

(BodyMind Vol. 2 No. 11 - First posted: 3-15-98)

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