(This is part 2 of a 2-part column. Part 1 appeared last week.)
Dear Seeker:
Thank you very much for your letter which was published in full last Sunday, March 7, 1999. I will answer each question as you ask them.
1) What are your insights about "One Night Stands?"
I have no genuine insights about one night stands in general because each one night stand is different. Sometimes they are casual and nice, sometimes they are casual and not nice. Sometimes they only seem to be casual but are actually the most intense, most meaningful experience a person can have. This seems to be what happened in your case.
2) Based on my story, what exactly did she feel about me that night? Is it true that it was purely lust? Ginusto din naman niya 'yon diba kahit sabihing lasing pa siya?' (she wanted it too anyway, didn't she, even if she used her being drunk as an excuse?)
Not being privy to her thoughts and emotions, I couldn't tell you what she felt about you. I don't even know if what she felt for you was truly (only) lust. I do know, however, that many women pretend it is only lust if they don't want to be hurt and/or embarrassed that they felt more for the man than he did for them.
Even if ginusto din niya ito at hindi rin dahil siya ay lasing doesn’t mean it couldn’t be purely just lust. However, just because she wanted you, wanted sex with you as much as you did, doesn't mean that, in addition to the lust (which would've been there whether she were drunk or not) there couldn’t have also been some genuine affection and thus a desire to see your relationship flourish instead of wither away.
3) Did she change her mind only because we started out the wrong way?
Not necessarily. it is also possible that she didn't think you started out the wrong way. In fact, I, personally, cannot think of a more breathtaking way to start a relationship. What may have happened is that she felt that you felt the relationship started the wrong way and she is thus giving you an out so as not to be hurt should you reject her. (Parang inuunahan na niya ikaw.)
4) Nagkagusto din kaya siya sa akin?
Sa palagay ko, oo pero hindi ako sigurado kasi hindi siya nag-confide sa akin.
5) Can she just forget whatever happened between us? Would she still accept me and let us start all over again as if nothing happened?
I doubt that she can, but I honestly don’t know. The best thing to do is to ask her. I would suggest, however, that you not suggest starting all over again as if nothing happened. That suggests you think it is better that nothing did happen. I don’t know about you, but that nothing that happened sounds like a whole lot of something to me. Instead of behaving as if it were a liability, I would either treat all that happened between you that first night as, at the very least, a neutral occurrence or, better yet, something positive.
6) I still want her badly. Is it still possible for me to court her, considering that there was already something that transpired between us & which she seemed to regret that it happened? Would you still encourage me to court her?
Absolutely. And I would quit with all this regret business. Methinkst that, if anybody regrets anything that happens, it is you, and not her. I am fairly sure, in fact, that if she regrets anything at all, it is that you did not have the courage of your convictions. That, in the light of day, you chose the harshest interpretation to what happened to you the night before instead of believeing what she told you: that this was for real, that this was the way she would feel even when stone cold sober, that it was not the night nor the liquor that made her behave as she did, but, rather it was the very special 'we' that you and she were that night...a very special 'we' that could’ve grown and flourished had you given it half a chance.
7) I really regret what I did with her. If I truly liked her, I know I should have been enough of a gentleman and not done it with her. I should've respected her, but I just wasn't able to resist the temptation. I want to make it up to her. I think I've fallen in love with her. Dr. Holmes, what should I do now?
You could start putting your money where your mouth is or, in this case, focusing your energies on where you where you claim your love lies.
You could stop regretting things that happened that you thus have no control over and start concentrating on things you can still influence like convincing her that she was not merely some victim of the dastardly acts of some cad, but, rather, a willing participant of a beautiful encounter between two people who were wildly attracted to each other and behaved with integrity and respect towards each other. But you have to truly believe the latter before you can convince her of it.
8) She told me that I devirginized her. Should I believe her? I mean, I didn't notice any bleeding 'because it was dark at that time. Though I felt she was tight (masikip).
Believe schmelieve. For Chrissake, SEEKER!!! Whether she truly is a virgin or not is the least of your worries. On the one hand you are so in love with this woman you can’t study for your board exam. On the other you worry about a piddly little thing about whether she was telling you the truth about her being a virgin or not?!!? NO wonder she is avoiding you like the plague!!! What happened between you was magic. It could’ve been the springboard for the great love of both your lives. But you chickened out and became “cautious.” There are, of course, numerous occasions when being cautious is not only wise but critical. For example; preventing pregnancies, protecting oneself and others from STDs, having a night like this every weekend you go to Mindoro instead of the once-in-a-lifetime moment that it was. At the precise moment you could’ve challenged the world to “Do your worst, I’ve got the love of as good woman now” you wimp out and say you’re sorry. At the time you could be celebrating this momentous gift few are blessed enough to ever have in their lives, you choose to be petty and small-minded, obsessing instead about whether you were the first guy to have her or not.
9) Is it possible that she had done it before? Kasi kung talagang ngayon lang niya ginawa yun(sex)with me at kung talagang ayaw niya ang nangyari kahit lasing pa siya, hindi talaga dapat siya pumayag. (because if this was truly the first time she ever had sex, and she really didn’t want to, then she shouldn’t have even if she was drunk). Can you really blame your being tipsy or intoxication for that? Isn't it kahit lasing ka, your mindset is still there?
Seeker, seeker, seeker. Napakalupit mo naman to your supposedly minamahal sa buhay. (how cruel you judge the supposed love of your life!) No wonder she ahs chosen to have nothing to do with you! Unless your supposed love can overcome this suspicion and judgment of her, I see no hope for your ever getting back together again).
Was it Wordsworth that said: "Faint heart never won fair maid. Only the brave deserbve the fair?" I cannot help believing he is right, especially in your case, SEEKER.
My bet is (although I admittedly have no sound basis for saying this) that she was so hurt and/or outraged regarding your hesitation about being a couple that she decided that cutting you off completely was the best way to deal with her pain at your betraying her.
I would suggest you think things through very carefully before you court her once more. Make sure of what you really want. If you are fairly sure your love for/obsession with/lust for her is stronger than your need to be certain you are the first man in her life, then go for it. Think it through first and when you're sure you know what you want, go for it...and for her. Go for it relentlessly and with all your heart. Such relentlessness is, of course, no guarantee that you'll get her. But behaving any other way (behaving the way you have been for the last year) is a sure-fire guarantee that you won't.
All the best and I hope this has helped you!
MG Holmes
(BodyMind Vol. 3 No. 3 - First posted: 3-14-99)
