(This is part one of a three-part series. Part two will appear next week.)

Dear Dr. Holmes,

I have a problem and I'm desperately looking for a real solution. I'm 39 years old, a senior bank executive, have a 36 year old wife, and three lovely young children.

My problem is my seemingly insatiable desire for sex. My wife and I have sex regularly - 2 or 3 times a week. But I can't help lusting after other women. I sometimes pick up short-time girls and visit massage parlors. I ask for oral sex, which I enjoy very much - even more than normal intercourse. My wife sometimes does that, but only briefly and only as foreplay.

I am ashamed to admit that I secretly enjoy watching porno tapes and reading hard core magazines. I am more ashamed to admit that I play with myself practically daily, sometimes more than once a day, even if I have sex with my wife.

In Bill Clinton's case I read that some were considering if he was a "sex addict". I've also seen this term - including mention of treatment for it - in some gossip articles regarding Hollywood actors. Is sex addiction a real disease? I've also read the term "chemical castration" as treatment for sex offenders. I certainly don't consider myself a sex offender in the criminal sense, but would welcome a drug that could suppress these desires.

I consider myself a good Catholic, and genuinely fear for my eternal soul. I also worry about catching some STD or worse - HIV. So I really am looking for some way to help me with my problem.

But let me complete my "psychological picture" for you. I love my children very much, but can frankly say that I don't love my wife. I loved someone else before we were married, but it was impossible for me to go with my true love, even if I felt she also loved me in return. So I entered into a "marriage of convenience", since my wife loved me very much anyway. I sometimes wonder if my constant sexual appetite is somehow related to my unsatisfied emotional desire. If I married the woman I loved, would I still want to have sex with other women?

In any case, I really want to solve this. I've tried prayers, but I guess I need more earthly help. I would appreciate any assistance you can give. Thank you and more power to your endeavors.

MIGUEL

Dear MIGUEL:

Thank you very much for your letter, which has brought up so many valid issues that I don’t know where to start. Allow me, therefore, to start with what’s easiest: HIV and STDs, the "implications" surrounding the sex lives of married men who watch porno movies and masturbate, move on to the somewhat more "psychological discussion of sexual addiction--does it truly exist?" and finally go to what gives meaning to it all: love and one’s eternal soul. This will probably mean a two-parter at the very least. I hope you don’t mind?

Regarding HIV and STDs, the standard answer states abstinence, monogamy and care (as in "If you can’t be good, be careful") as the three most important precautions to take to avoid STDs, including HIV. But if you wanted standard answers you wouldn’t be writing to this column, so let me quickly say that, while I agree with the *ingredients,* I most certainly do *not* agree with the order with which the standard answer is given.

In fact, if I were to rank things in order of importance, I would make care (as in careful thinking,..both thinking things through and thinking things out) as most important. Care is even more important when you *are* good, when you *are* making love to someone you love, rather than someone you are merely "having sex with." SO...use condoms if you are unsure of your partner or of yourself, but it is, of course, far preferable to be sure of both your partner and yourself. You still may want to use condoms

to avoid unwanted pregnancies, but that is another story all together.

Are there other married men who watch porn flicks and/or masturbate despite having sex with their wives as often as 2-3 times a week? Absolutely. I dare say some of them can make love to their wives that many times *precisely* because they watch porn flicks (watching them together can be fun). Alternatively, some men can hold off and make love to their wives *only* 2-3 times a week precisely because they masturbate the rest of the time.

In other words, it is different strokes for different folks (if you’ll pardon the pun) not only when it comes to the psychological "meaning" of masturbation and pornography, but also when it comes to the term sexual addiction.

The concept of sexual addiction suggests that some people who engage in "excessive" sexual activity are manifesting outward symptoms of a process of psychological addiction in which feelings of depression, anxiety, loneliness and worthlessness are temporarily relieved through a sexual high.

Right away you can see that such a definition can cause problems; both on a general level (Do such addictions really exist? Frankly, sexologists themselves argue about that.) and on a specific level (Are feelings of depression, anxiety, loneliness and worthlessness temporarily relieved through a sexual high for *you*, MiGUEL?). These and more questions to be answered in a future column,..except, of course, for this last question that I just asked which I wouldn’t mind at all if you answered me by e-mail sometime soon (preferably the before the next column). Till then, my best wishes

MG Holmes

(BodyMind Vol. 2 No. 6 - First posted: 2-8-98)

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