(This is part three of a three-part series. Part two appeared last week.)

By now you are familiar with MIGUEL, whose letter re his possible sexual addiction has been the focus for the last two columns. Today will be the third and final part. MIGUEL wrote to me after he read PART II. Below is a composite of parts of both his letters:

 

Dear DR. HOLMES:

I have a problem and I'm desperately looking for a real solution. I'm 39 years old, a senior bank executive, have a 36 year old wife, and three lovely young children. My problem is my seemingly insatiable desire for sex. My wife and I have sex regularly - 2 or 3 times a week. But I can't help lusting after other women, sometimes picking up short-time girls, etc. I love my children very much, but can frankly say that I don't love my wife. I loved someone else before we were married, but it was impossible for me to go with my true love, even if I felt she also loved me in return. So I entered into a "marriage of convenience" since my wife loved me very much anyway. I sometimes wonder if my constant sexual appetite is somehow related to my unsatisfied emotional desire. If I married the woman I loved, would I still want to have sex with other women?

To answer the questions you asked in PART I: "Do I use sex (or the feeling of a "sexual high") to rid myself of depression, anxiety, loneliness and worthlessness?" I had to stop and think about that really hard. My frank answer to that is "no" on all counts...I sometimes get lonely and depressed - I yearn for the companionship of my true love, especially in those special occasions such as Xmas, and birthdays. But I've accepted the fact that we can't be together, and do not try to use sex to rid myself of that loneliness. I am devoted to my children and know they love me very much in return, so this helps me through those times of depression. The depression doesn't last long – just a day or two, and I'm back to my usual perky self.

I have a good job, am well-liked, have outstanding kids, and am financially well to-do. My strong self-confidence helps a lot too. If I am anxious about anything, I guess this is it. I feel I have so much to lose by this reckless pursuit of sexual satisfaction.

I consider myself blessed and don't want to waste the many things that have been given to me. I have a strong social conscience, so I also give my due back to society. Solving this problem would not help just myself, but would also touch the lives of my family and the many others who in one way or another depend on me.

Thank you very much and God bless you.

MIGUEL

 

Dear MIGUEL:

Thank you very much for both letters and for confirming that, indeed, you are not a sex addict or even a sexual "compulsive" as defined by mental health professionals. You are, in fact, as I had thought: an attractive, horny guy who likes women and has the means (be it the personality, money and/or buff body) to get them to like you back.

In the past, this was enough for you: a compartmentalized life where you had sex both at home and elsewhere and the twains never met. Now you wonder if maybe you shouldn’t stop this "reckless pursuit of sexual satisfaction." If you can do so, then abso-bloody-lutely. Let’s deal with this more a wee bit later. But first, your other question: "If I married the woman I loved, would I still want to have sex with other women?"

I cannot give you the exact, 100% guarantee answer to that, but I can tell you what usually happens based on clinical experience.

And here, after over 20 years clinical experience in counseling men and women on love and sexuality is my answer: It depends.

It depends on a whole slew of factors, one of them being exactly how strong your sexual desires are/were to begin with. Some men have much stronger sexual desires than others and it is usually those men who are able (if, indeed, they are able) to have sex both at home with their wives and away with other women with (relative) impunity.

It also depends not so much on how much they love the woman they’re with, but on how determined they are to make this love meaningful and how committed they are to shun all temptation no matter how attractive it (the temptation) or she (the other woman) may be.

In other words, it depends more on the man--his self discipline, his capacity to look at himself and what his peccadilloes may do to his marriage with an unflinching eye--than it does on his love.

Would being faithful be easier if you were madly in love with your wife? Absolutely,...but that ease (due to romantic passion) would last for about 2-3 years (which is about how long romance experts say this kind of romantic passion lasts). It would be easier if your being in love changed into good all-fashioned love, because then you could better imagine how your infidelity might hurt this woman you love and, because you loved her, you would be loathe to inflict such pain) but other men have remained faithful even without such love...either because they don’t want to hurt their wives and/or because the possible costs of (1) being found out and (2) making *sure* they don’t get found out, etc. are too high.

In a way, it is less easy for you to remain faithful because you don’t have the above deterrent. You know all the tricks to *not* being caught.

What has, perhaps, happened to you, is that you have become mature. Bravo! While the thrill of the chase--and perhaps, the conquest (in as far as paying for sex translates into conquest) is there--this can wear a little thin.

Was it not St. Augustine who said: "Give me chastity--but not just yet?" That may have been your battle cry before, but now it seems you are ready for that part of your life to come. Good for you, MIGUEL, even if the road is long, hard and occasionally boring.

But then, that’s what separates the men from the boys...from the ones that stick around for the long haul and the ones that are there until the good times last: nothing fancy, just good old fashioned self discipline and a sense of integrity that won’t allow oneself to be distracted from the truth.

Sure, being madly in love with your wife helps a lot, but that isn’t what makes for fidelity in a marriage. Being committed to being faithful and sticking to that commitment is what does it.

*Sigh.* With all we know about love and sex (mostly sex since the mechanics of sex are a whole lot easier to study than the magic of love) but, with all scientists know and all that psychologists *pretend* to know, you would think we could give each other sure-fire answers on how be kinder, gentler people to others and to ourselves, you would think there would be sure-fire systems on how not to re-invent the wheel.

But there isn’t, MIGUEL, not a sure-fire set of systems. Would knowing this--making your marriage a viable, full marriage at last—would be the greatest challenge of your life make it easier? Would chiding yourself for your unfairness at constantly comparing your lost love (who will always look better in comparison) to your wife make it easier? Would realizing that a conscious decision to be faithful to her would make you closer and, maybe, even fall in love with her a little bit, make the decision more palatable?

Maybe not; not in the short run at least. But in my experience, after the pain and angst has died down and you have had a lot of minor and perhaps a few major victories over temptation the good will you feel towards yourself will spill over towards your marriage and towards your wife. And that is certainly a step in the right direction. Yes *sigh* a step and not a giant leap, but you know how it is with things that really matter, MIGUEL. No easy roads, always, *always*, it is the steady sloughing it out that brings home the bacon. Please write to me if there is anything else I can do for you

MG Holmes

(BodyMind Vol. 2 No. 8 - First posted: 2-22-98)

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