Dear Dr. Holmes:

I'm 37 years old and a closet gay. What bothers me now is my ex-boyfriend wants to reconcile with me. We had been on for 10 years before he decided to settle down. Unfortunately, their marriage didn't work. They have 2 kids and they have been separated for a year and a half, and right now one kid is with him and the other is with his wife.

Here are some questions that have been bothering me:

1. Can I still trust him after what he has done to me?

2. What kind of a personality does he have? Is he a bi (bisexual) or not?

3. Will this kind of relationship last? Please give me some advice so that it won't be too burdensome on my part to decide. Please also give me some referrals for clinical advice. Thanks!!!

GEORGE

Dear GEORGE:

Thank you very much for your letter. You ask some very astute questions, which, because of lack of information and-ahem-incredible honesty on my part, I would have to admit I don’t have the answers for. But perhaps I can ask you some questions that will help you reframe your relationship with your boyfriend into a paradigm you can more easily deal with.

(1) Can I still trust him after what he has done to me? It all depends on the why and how he broke up with you? Was it because he genuinely felt he was in love with this woman and/or could make an honest, decent life with her? Did he tell her the truth about his relationship with you? When he broke up with you, was it with honesty and sensitivity? Did he let you know what he was feeling instead of surprising you with his plans a mere three days before he did it?

What happened when he broke up with you? Did he expect you to hang on and see him on the side while he had his marriage? Not very good nor honest, if that was the case. However, if it was a clean break, if he honestly tried to make it work with his wife while he was with her, now realized that it won’t and has had as clean a break with her as possible which doesn’t mean they can’t be friends and, are, of course, inextricably bound because of the children they have and must jointly raise notwithstanding the kids’ living apart), the chances of your relationship being successful are greater.

Breaking up with a person is not necessarily a callous thing to do. Sometimes it can be one of the kindest, bravest, most humane things we can do for someone we love/loved. If that is the case in this relationship, then yes, you can still trust him, or, at least, take a chance on trusting him. There are no guarantees in life, especially when it comes to relationships; but some relationships are worth taking the risk for.

(2) What kind of personality does he have? Again, George, I don’t have the answer. But perhaps, if you answer the following questions, you may be able to come up with an answer for yourself:

Did he honestly believe himself to be sexually attracted to and in love with his wife? If so, yes, he could be bisexual (presuming he was honestly in love with and sexually attracted to you the 10 years you were together). It is also possible that he *thought* he was bi (or straight) for the years he was with his wife and realized he wasn’t. Sexual orientation is not set in stone. One can be straight for many years and then become gay or bisexual, vice verse or any variation in between.

(3) Will this relationship last? George, no one can really give the answer to that question. All one can do is do the best one can, behave with as much decency and integrity within *all* of one’s relationships (not all that easy sometimes), forgive past hurts and disappointments (although it is easier to harken back to it, especially when one is hurt once more) yet not be a dummy (don’t trust *everyone* who tells you sweet nothings, only those that tell you what seems like sweet somethings), and be open to fun and laughter (deep relationships don’t always have to be serious all the time). If you love this guy and feel he genuinely loves you, then go for it.

There is an adage that has been discredited in fitness circles but may be true in relationships: No pain, no gain; no guts, no glory. You’ve had the pain of your break up with him. If you feel he is genuine in wanting to get back to you, perhaps now is the time to take the risk and go for the glory?

All the best!

MG Holmes

(BodyMind Vol. 2 No. 5 - First posted: 2-1-98)

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