Dear Dr. Holmes:I'm now in a new relationship. We're only on our second month. I went to a party where I saw my ex boyfriend (my present boyfriend was not there) and we had a chance to talk to each other. He knew that I already had a new boyfriend, but he asked me for another chance and he told me that it's okay to love two people at the same time. We started seeing each other again in secret, until it got to a point where he asked for my virginity. The next day, we went to a motel but I didn't give it. Instead, we had oral sex. I would like to know if in case I do give up my virginity to him and had sex only once, will my present boyfriend know that I'm no longer a virgin when we do have sex? Is it true that a guy know if a girl is still a virgin or not?
LITA
Dear Lita:Unless you give yourself away emotionally, there is no way your present boyfriend need know that you are no longer a virgin, even if you do make love to your former boyfriend. No one can tell whether a girl is still a virgin or not since hymens, bleeding, tightness of the vagina, etc. are not accurate indices of a girl’s virginity.
Now that I’ve answered all your questions, however, I was wondering if you could answer one of mine, even if to yourself alone:
Why would you want to make love to your ex boyfriend only once? Is there any unfinished business here that can truly be resolved with a one-time stand like this? If you like him enough to make love to him, wouldn’t you want to several times rather than just once? Or to at least have the option to find out without having to sneak behind anyone’s back to do it?
Don’t you owe it to yourself and both men to explore things with your former boyfriend to see if what-you-thought-was-your-past-relationship actually has a present? Is it possible that it is only you who is making a prisoner of yourself, wondering about what could in the larger perspective, be the possible incident of your present boyfriend finding out about your one-night stand when what you might be better off wondering who is to be present or former or, indeed, whether you would be better off free to explore yourself and other relationships with both these men being important and special but neither to whom you are particularly tied to?
Take care of yourself!
MG Holmes
(BodyMind Vol. 4 No. 1 - First posted: 1-7-00)
