Dear Dr. Holmes:

I have been reading your columns regularly on the web, and I had the opportunity to watch a couple of Filipino Shows where you guested. I have been contemplating for a while whether to share with you my problem, and now I think you can help me.

I'm 27 years old, single, and currently residing in Ontario. My life has been great for a while, under control. Then everything went haywire in just a month. Before that, I have a good job, two professional accounting designations, and halfway through my masters in accounting. I was sharing an apartment with a friend. Well, sometimes we become more than just friends.

Let's call him Ernie, 31, single. We had a nice arrangement, which suited both of us quite well. We share laughter, tears, and sometimes when both of us are lonely; we try to fill in each other's needs, sexually. But we don't have a relationship. I date. He dates. No strings. I love him as a best friend, someone whom I could count on anytime. He's a good man, also a professional, and very patient. He loves me more than I do him, and he's just waiting for me to grow up and realize that I have everything that I need before me. It's a selfish arrangement, but we're fine with that. It had gone on for over a year.

Then came the bombshell. I met a guy online. Let's call him Louie. He's 36, single, and I don't know how to explain it, but we just simply fell in love with each other. We talked online for a while, and then we started talking on the phone. Almost everyday, and for hours, like an average of 5 hours a day. He also lives in Ontario, 40 minutes away. Call me crazy, but I don't seem to care about my long distance charges. At first, both of us tried to convince ourselves that it's too good to be true, two people falling in love, and they haven't met yet. But I'm old enough and he's old enough to recognize the feeling. It went to a point where I can't go through a day without talking to him, and so does he. We made plans to meet New Year's Eve and go to Niagara Falls. Everything was set....or so we thought.

Last week, I found out I was 8 weeks pregnant, it's Ernie's. I told Ernie about it, and he was happy and confident, that at long last he can have me, and I'm carrying his child. I talked to Louie, and told him that I'm getting out of his life. I never intended to hurt him, and I love him so much. That was the worst day of my life. But Louie still wanted me. He says nobody ever made him this happy before, and he doesn't care if I'm pregnant, he'll love my kid as his own, as long as he can be a part of my life. I know I'll just hurt him more, and I'm willing to sacrifice my own love for him. I just wanted him to forget me and start new, with somebody who could give him everything, not me, who will just mess up his life.

Then Louie asked me to marry him, which is not normal since we haven't met yet. I was so happy to hear that. I can't explain the feeling. I've never felt like that before. I told him I would love to, if only the circumstances were different. Then, Ernie also asked me to marry him, not because I'm pregnant with his child, but I know for a fact that he's really in love with me. I turned him down, but he's confident I'll come around, and says his love for our child and me is enough for the three of us.

My problem is, believe this or not, I love Louie, I don't know why or how, knowing we haven't met yet (but I have a picture of him), and I want to share my life with him. I'm also pretty much pregnant with Ernie's child, whom I know and been living with for over a year, who loves me so much, and can give me the security that I need.

I know it's just a matter of perspective, which point of view and welfare to consider. I also know that if this is happening to a girlfriend of mine, I know what to tell her, what decision to make, and what is right or wrong. But I need somebody outside the picture to see the mess I'm in and I need your objectivity to tell me what you see. I don't know which way to take: happiness with Louie (risking my child's welfare along the way as well as my own) or a life of emptiness with Ernie (but with the security that my child and I need). Well, I know that Louie will do his damn best to make us work as well will Ernie. But nobody can guarantee anything, and all of us know that.

I know I'm capable enough to make a decision myself, but not right now. I'm a very selfish person, and I think its unfair to be that right now, since I have to consider not only myself, but my child, Ernie, and of course, Louie.

I'll keep watching your web page, and I hope I can see my answers there.

Best Wishes,

Jenny

Dear Jenny,

I will answer your questions in my column of next week, BUT first, I also want to know what you would tell someone in the same predicament as yourself. What would you tell her? What decisions do you think she should make? What would you say is right and wrong? Please take care of yourself and we'll address your problems together next week.

All the best

--MG Holmes

(BodyMind Vol. 2 No. 1 - First posted: 1-4-98)

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