Dear DR. HOLMES:

Greetings to my favorite columnist! My questions concern not sex, but relationships. I hope that is all right with you?

(1a) Will a relationship last if one partner is not available? By available, I mean free to be in a relationship.

(2a) Will age be an obstacle and a possible conflict in the future? Especially 15 to 20 years of difference?

(3a) Will distance be a hindrance to a successful relationship? He/she lives in another country.

I have read books and magazines concerning these issues and they have the following opinions:

1b. A partner must be available or one party will just end up being a "spare tire"

2b. Significant age difference will be a relationship "time bomb."

3b. Distance will affect a relationship.

QUINTIN

Dear QUINTIN:

First, in answer to your first question that was unnumbered,...not only is it "all right" with me that you ask questions "not about sex, but about relationships," it is absolutely marvelous! I welcome an opportunity to discuss things other than sex. Like an ST starlet who wants to be taken "seriously," but, alas, perhaps not with as much "K" (the right body appendages to be cast in such a role), I too want to be taken "seriously" as a columnist. Focusing on sex is NOT the way to do it. At least, not if you want to be taken seriously by hypocrites and self-appointed moralists. Thank goodness truly astute people like yourself realize that it is not the subject matter *per se* that determines serious thought but the thinking processes behind discussion of said subject matter.

At any rate, enough of my defensive reactions and on to your very interesting questions and opinions:

Comment 1: God, but you're good! And so succinct too. Spare tire (as in 1b) and "time bomb" (as in 2b) is right on the money.

Comment 2-4. While improving on perfection (and what could be more perfect than a succinct yet right-on-the-money explanation?) is impossible, allow me to give it a try (Now I know why I'm defensive!!! It's trying to live up to all these impossible tasks)

1a: There are relationships and relationships. Some are healthy (validating to the human spirit, fostering growth as an individual and not merely as part of a couple, encouraging one to be the best one would possibly be instead of merely settling for what's already there, etc.) and some are not.

A relationship where one party is not entirely free can last,..as many queridas will attest to, but at what price?

I can only hope that, in time, the free person will realize that, to quote Elia Kazan in *The Arrangement,* "the screwing she's getting is not worth the screwing she's getting," cut loose and be her own person once more.

2a. Age can be an obstacle but many of these obstacles can be overcome especially if both parties are aware of the problems that may come up in the future and are committed to working out these problems. It also helps if the age gap is less, rather than more (five years instead of fifteen or even twenty). Finally, while relationships of the older female-younger male variety seem on the rise, it seems chances of success are greater if it is still the traditional older *male*-younger female variety.

3a. Will distance be a hindrance to a successful relationship...especially if he/she lives in another country?

All things being equal, distance would be a hindrance. Still, there are many things available that can help bridge that distance and it is up to the couple to find ways and means to do this. It helps, once more, if the level of commitment is great. It also helps if one has the resources (read: smarts and cash) to bridge that distance easily. For example, a computer literate person who knows the ins and out of e-mail can bridge the gap far more effectively than one who has to rely on expensive long distance phone calls or inefficient mail service to communicate.

In my clinical experience, however, what really *really* helps is the knowledge that this distance is temporary, that eventually, the two people will be together in the same country, if not *all* the time, then for most of it.

Good luck, QUINTIN. Please write to me anytime that the spirit moves you. Answering your questions is such a pleasure. Best wishes for the holidays

--MG Holmes

(Vol. 1 No. 9 - First posted: 12-21-97)

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