Dear Dr. Holmes:I am a brand-new "woman" in a very real sense. I was born a man but I have always felt different. At first I thought I was simply gay but at the back of my mind I always had doubts. My psychiatrist told me I was a transsexual. It was in England where I first started cross-dressing. It was strange, but I loved it anyway. And the men, oh the men, they adored me. When I came home from England, I wasn't happy about going behind the backs of my parents. After mustering up enough courage, I told my parents.
When things quieted down, they miraculously saw things my way. They financed my operation, and when the big day came, I came out of the OR (Operating Room) a "new girl". I went to my high school reunion and I met a guy. I'd had a crush on him since I was in short pants. Anyway, he asked me out and the rest was history. Dinner. Movies. Tagaytay. Subic. Bali. Parties. His best friend knows and my parents do too. I think I am falling in love with him, and him with me. He says he never met a woman like me. We've also had sex. Now, he says it's time I met his family. They know about me, he says. They're perfectly aware of my past, my operation, everything.
Which makes me even more nervous. We've never talked about marriage, I don't think it's even possible. But with this meeting the family thing, I smell something serious in the offing. What if his family doesn't like me?
What if I don't like them? And how exactly do we build a family together? By the way, I don't mean to brag, I do look rather dishy.
SERENA
Dear Serena:Unless your birth certificate has been changed to say you are a girl, I don’t know if a legal marriage is possible at the moment. I am sure, however, that that could be arranged easily enough. But even if it is or isn’t legally possible right now, you could be married in every other sense--morally, emotionally, physically,-- except legally...until the time came when you both agreed it was time to fix your papers so that a legal union was possible.
You build a family together the way other couples do: By being honest with and by sharing things with each other, by learning how to put each other first and by being happy with what you have. You can still have a family even if you cannot give birth naturally, you can even have children--by legally adopting, by taking care of a child as if your own even without the benefit of legal adoption or by making some/all of your nieces and nephews your ipso facto kids
You have many things going for you--dishy looks, a wonderful family, a boyfriend who loves you and a loving and beloved boyfriend’s family who seems willing to accept whoever their son loves. True, there is no guarantee his family and you will like each other, but I have a feeling you both will try to do so for the sake of your beloved. Oftentimes, a sincere attempt to like (and then love) whoever our beloved also loves is the most important factor needed in making things work. I hope that will be the so in your case. If not, I have a feeling you and his family, who have been through so much, will have the strength and generosity of spirit to keep on trying until you do.
All the best!
MG Holmes
(BodyMind Vol. 3 No. 23 - First posted: 12-17-99)
