Dear Dr Holmes:

What advice can you give a couple that's compatible in every way but sexual? My girlfriend and I have been dating a few months and everything about our relationship is going well except for the sex. Ever since the third or fourth time we've slept together I've ceased to become turned on once the sexual activity becomes heavy. If I force myself to think about something erotic, such as a hot woman I saw earlier in the street I can manage to stay erect but the results aren't very satisfying. Friends tell me it's natural to fantasize while having sex, but up until now I preferred to turn my awareness toward my partner and what we're doing together.

I suppose that part of my problem is fear of spreading disease. I become anxious if she goes down on me which she wants to do. She has herpes on her ass, which she's worried I might get.

Among the few things people can do together freely these days, something will interest one of us, but not the other. For example, I get very aroused by kissing but she is neither good at it nor interested in it. Is it possible to teach someone to kiss?

We are emotionally close and quite romantic. We spend hours talking in bed, hugging, caressing and kissing lightly. Sometimes something hot and original starts up but as soon as we proceed and it becomes routine, the excitement recedes and I get turned off.

A friend suggested I continue to date my girl and look for sex elsewhere. I'm not sure this would work. She herself claims not to be as concerned about sex as I am. She says she yearns for affection more, which is what we've been immersing ourselves with from the beginning.

Is there a solution for us, Dr. Holmes? Thank you very much and more power to you.

Michael

Dear Micheal :

There are many ways to deal with the problems you just presented. Since you seem a very bright chap, I will present the most common ways and leave you to decide what most closely resembles your situation.

Your lack of passion for your girlfriend is either an intra- or inter-personal problem. If the former, it is due to a lack of chemistry between you. If the latter, it is due to your inability to sustain passion for anyone you start to truly care for.

Actually the latter is not as far-fetched as it seems. There are many people unable to sustain passion for the ones they claim to be mostly in love with. Such people are usually men and I say this not because I'm sexist, but because it's true, as borne out by both research and clinical experience. A man like this would fall out of passion once he fell in love. His reasons for this run the gamut: either he becomes bored once he's sure the woman reciprocates his feelings, once he's certain she loves him as much as he claims to love her. "No more challenge" is his terse reply when asked why he suddenly cooled off.

Another more insidious dynamic for the above is that the man becomes too respectful, putting the woman on a pedestal so high that "ordinary" (but oh so sexily raunchy) horniness can't reach it. What he once longed for - sexual desire - he now considers unseemly. To him, love (which is pure should not be sullied by lust (which is impure). A pity that, because nothing can be more holy than true love fuelled by animal passion. But some men just can't make that connection. Usually an overly strict, rigid Catholic upbringing is the culprit for such an attitude. In fact, this attitude is strong in many Latin and other predominantly Catholic countries. So strong and common, in fact, that they even have a name for it: The Madonna-Prostitute dichotomy.

The Madonna-Prostitute dichotomy is an example of sexism at its most insidious. It pigeonholes women into one of only two categories, thus making it difficult for her to blossom in other ways. Such neanderthal thinking divides women into either madonna or prostitute. Put it in Pilipino, "May dalawa lang klaseng babae sa mundo: yung pang-altar (madonna) at yung pang-laspag (prostitute)." The madonna is the girl you love, respect and eventually marry. She is also the one you ultimately have boring sex with because who can be rough and raunchy with a madonna? There is only so much true love can do when it comes to good sex. Strong animal passion, unmitigated lust go a lot further than true love in that department. SO... if you can't have exciting sex with your wife, the madonna, does that mean you are doomed to proper (i.e., boring) sex the rest of your life?

No, becuase there is always the "prostitute" to supply the other kind of sex. The prostitute is someone you have fun, drink beer, and have terrific sex with. Unfortunately, you can't marry her because you don't respect her. Like a car to be fit only to be driven over rough terrain (pang-laspag) you dare not take her too seriously lest you be taken for a fool (torotot, i.e., cuckold).

A man who believes the Madonna-Prostitute dichotomy may be envied (mostly by other men) as living an enviable life for a while, flitting as he does from woman to woman. But most men realize this is no way to live life over the long haul. (Admittedly, though, it can be a GREAT way to have party - not to mention live one's bachelor days). Whether to continue partying or think about settling down is a reality every man will eventually have to face. One man may decide that he wants to continue living this way which is well and good if and only if he doesn't lie to the women nor lie to himself (e.g., "no matter how hard I try, true love always eludes me!" when it is really a case of his eluding true love.)

Another may decide that uncommitted sex is wonderful (which it can be ) but if you want kids and a home, committed love is better. Oftentimes, realizing one's tendency to hit and run is enough to get him to start hitting only the one (and not ones, plural) he wants to not run away from. For some men, however, therapy is essential.

Therapy is helpful for a man who has the same problem with each and every woman he's with, thus underscoring that the problem is not with the particular woman (nor with the "lack of chemistry" between them) but within himself. This is what is meant by an intra-personal problem. It won't go away even if you break up with this particular woman and move on to another. The problem will eventually crop up: she will lose her sexual allure once you get to know/like her better.

A good way to determine whether your problem is intra- or inter-personal is to see how often this lack of chemistry has cropped up in the past. If every woman (or most women) you've been involved with eventually has become less sexy over time, then the problem could well be intrapersonal and, as I mentioned earlier, therapy would be a good idea. However, if you've never had this problem before, if your current girlfriend is the only one with whom your passion has cooled, then it is obviously an interpersonal problem.

The next step is to determine whether this is a "solvable" interpersonal problem or not. There are times when this lack of chemistry is due to a hostility so deep or to an indifference so overwhelming that nothing can be done. This usually occurs with long time married couples who have stayed together because of fear, laziness or low esteem (even though life is bleak they feel they don't deserve any better).

For example, the wife discovers the husband has a mistress. Even worse in her eyes, he doesn't want to give this mistress up. So, wife decides to "fight fire with fire." She does this by focusing on unessentials. She gets a face lift, a tummy tuck, a more lilting laugh, a more "open" sexual attitude.

Oftentimes none of these strategies work. She is amazed that they don't, because she cannot see how she is barking up the wrong tree. The wife insists on looking at the extramarital relationship as merely sexual, as simply a by product of his "male midlife crisis." Sometimes it is and during those times, fighting fire with fire is a good strategy. But there are just as many times when it isn't; times when what appeals to the man is not the sex but the woman, herself; not the sneaking around with "forbidden fruit," but the entire relationship.

In such situations, it is degrading for the wife to insist "it's only sex" when affection, warmth, caring, respect, humor, goodwill are so obviously a part of it.

But I digress. I'm sure the above scenario is not what is happening between you and your girl. I just included it to help others understand what I mean by an interpersonal problem that one can do little about. Happily, your situation seems like something you can do lots of this about. We shall go into that in another column,. okay?

Till then., my best wishes...

MG Holmes

(BodyMind Vol. 2 No. 3 - First posted: 1-19-98)

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