(Note: This is part two of two. Part one appeared last week)

Dear ICARUS:

Thank you very much for your letter which was published in full last week. Because of space constraints, I have merely reprinted your questions (and my answers) below:

(1) Is it 'karma' for what I have done in the past? Was history repeating itself, with me as the ex and the guy as the other man now?

Although it is tempting to think of it that way since, among other things, it satisfies our sense of supposed justice, no it isn't (necessarily) karma for what you've done in the past. It may make you more sensitive for those who are left behind rather than those who do the leaving (which is not in itself a bad result) but this doesnit mean that whatever you do at one time in your life will result in your being on the receiving end at another, later time in your life. Goodness gracious me, that would be quite a bummer, wouldn't it?

But, more to the point (since bummers alas, do exist in life), history and clinical experience bear out that this (what-goes-round-must-come-around sense of fair play) is definitely more the exception rather than the rule. That what goes around doesn't come around, in fact, is the very reason the concept of karma is so attractive: because it makes us feel that, not necessarily in this, but definitely in some future, life, justice will actually prevail. (Precisely because it sure ain't prevailing now).

Okay, okay, so Karl Marx said it much more powerfully: Religion (including kc--the karma concept) is the opium of the people.

Case in point: Don't you ever wonder how some people always seem to come out smelling like roses no matter what they do? Ever wonder how some men seem like they get away with murder (read fragrant infidelity) and still have women falling all over themselves to be the next victim of their charms?

SO...how come you seem 'karma-ized' in this life rather than in a future one? Just lucky, I guess. And I don't say this facetiously. Think how much more you will value your next relationship after this one, and how much less complacent you will be once it seems to be going well. (More on this later).

(2) Am I in the same league (as the obsessed businessman from Baguio who was not taking the hint of his girlfriend)?

No. You have taken the hint. You've worked out that her going to the U.S. is virtually the end of your relationship.

(3) Dr. Holmes, what's wrong with me? Is it really true that in life, you can't be successful in your career and also have a good marriage or love life?

There's nothing wrong with you; and no, it isn't (necessarily) true that you can't have both a successful career and a successful relationship although it certainly seems that way a lot of times. A good relationship, like a good career, takes time, effort and enthusiasm (TEE). Some people don't have the energy nor the interest to put all that TEE in both a career and a relationship.

In the past, the woman had to work on the relationship so she was the one who suffered career-wise. A-n-d, since relationships don't last where there is a tyrant and a slave (anyone whose career suffers for the sake of a relationship is certainly a martyr and slave), she suffered relationship-wise too.

Thank God that is slowly changing. Now both suffer--haha. Or, even better, both don't suffer (at least, not as much as if only one were doing all the relationship work) because not only is the 'work' distributed but, since both are in it together, there's lots more to talk about and bounce ideas off of.

You say, ' All I want is to have a peaceful and unstressful relationship.'

While certainly an understandable goal, ICARUS, it isn't a very realistic one. A relationship worth its salt is hardly ever completely stress-free. This may even be one reason Sweedee wanted out. This column is not the time and place to explore the minutiae of your relationship but I would be very glad to do so in a future column (with a future letter from you) if you were interested.

(4) Not a question, but I think I have an answer anyway: "I felt sad for what I have done to my son --the 'innocent victim' of my previous decision. I wish I can still get his respect."

And you still can, ICARUS. Not only his respect, but his love and friendship as well. There's a saying: "It isn't over until the fat lady sings"--or leaves for the U.S. or decides she's not going to, for that matter. ICARUS, one of the greatest (and occasionally, worse) things about parent-child relationships is that they never end. They may wax and wane, but they never end. And this you can use to your advantage.

Okay, okay. So you haven't been as close to him as you could've been in the past, but it doesn't mean you can't be closer to him now.

Okay, okay, so maybe your eyes were opened to him primarily because Sweedee left you. SO what? At least your eyes were opened and you can imake amends and then, move on from there and make like a real dad to him (not only in good, but also in bad, times) and then later make friends, make happy, and make yourself into the parent you have always wanted to be (while taking into account that your son, of course, will have a say on how close he wants to be to you also).

So...there's a lot out there waiting for you, ICARUS. Admittedly, not the woman you thought would be there forever and ever, but, as Ralph Waldo Emerson said: "When half-gods leave, then the Gods arrive." That may not be karma, but it sure is a nice way of looking at relationships that don't last isn't it? And, what's even better news is that it oftentimes works that way for enough people so that it wouldn't be an incredibly remote one-chance in-a-million situation if it worked for you too. All the best.

MG Holmes

(BodyMind Vol. 1 No. 3 - First posted: 11-9-97)