Dear Dr. Holmes:I've been living with a man under the same roof for more than four years now. I love him dearly and I do want to marry him someday. We have no children yet and we don't want to have kids until our marriage is sealed and sanctioned by the Church. He is very responsible, a good provider, loyal and caring. I have only one problem: he can't satisfy me in bed at all! I am a person who needs long, tender foreplay, while he usually wants it "the quicker, the better" all the time. He ejaculates rather quickly, after which, he turns to his side of the bed and goes to sleep. I know he is monogamous and so am I. What can I do to make his performance last longer and do it more than once a night? I want this relationship to last for good, and I also want our sex life to improve.
SERENA
Dear Serena:It is wonderful that you can be so clear about what you want sexually from your man: that he lasts longer and that he makes love to you more than once a night. I am very sure I can help you with your first goal; but am unsure about the second, unless he is willing to practice the Tao of Love and Sex. The first goal--preventing premature ejaculation--is relatively easy if he is willing to undergo Masters and Johnsons' squeeze technique with you. Very briefly, Masters and Johnson’s have come up with a series of steps which will enable your boyfriend to make love without ejaculating right away. Two separate appendices in my latest book, Bad, Bold Brazen, describe these steps with easy-to-follow directions.
Just as well the first goal (of withholding ejaculation) is reached, because the second also depends on it. It used to be that the number of times one made love a night was in the lap of the gods--there was nothing that could be done to make a man do it more if he either couldn’t or wasn’t interested. But as more men know about--and are willing to practice-- the Tao of love, so too are more men able to make love more often and much longer. In addition to the physical ability to hold off ejaculating, the tao of love needs the mental discipline to distinguish between male ejaculation and male orgasm and the desire to erperience the latter without the former--at least, not each and every time.
But perhaps we are putting the cart before the horse here. Before trying to reach these two specific sexual goals, however, you must be clear in your heart that the lovemaking, rather than these two goals per se, is what matters most to you.
Long, tender foreplay can definitely be achieved, because it is a matter of will (and love) and dependent on voluntary muscles he can command and control. Share your concerns with him the way you have with me. A man as loyal and caring as he will do whatever it takes to please the woman he loves.
It’s nice to know that technical steps are available to solve the technical sexual problems; but it’s much nicer to realize that the love of a good man is what makes all this technical proficiency truly meaningful.
All the best!
MG Holmes
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(BodyMind Vol. 3 No. 21 - First posted: 11-6-99)
