Dear DR.HOLMES:

I have been reading your column on your web page (www.geocities.com/~drholmes) since I got my Internet connection two years ago. I've been out of our country for 7 years now, working overseas as a journalist for a technology magazine.

I've been wanting to share with you my personal problems, but didn't have the time and courage to do so. When I came across this letter from an 'obsessed' businessman from Baguio, I couldn't help but compare my personal 'difficulty' right now. I have kept my personal problems to myself and selected close friends for fear of being despised and of being the centre of 'coffee table talk'. But now, I want an expert view on what I have done to myself because of previous personal decisions. I would appreciate it if you can give your advice and honest opinion about my problem.

The main reason I left Manila in the early 90's was to join a married woman with whom I had an affair, and who got a job posting overseas. I was also married at that time, but was already living separately from my ex-wife with whom I had a 3-year old son then. The married woman, let's call her 'Sweedee,' was also living separately from her ex-husband. Our situation was like what the song says; 'It's hard to belong to someone else, when the right one comes along.' We decided to work overseas to escape the public's scrutiny and so that our ex's wouldn't bother us. Sweedee had to separate from her ex due to his undecisive disposition and being a mama's boy. I broke up with my ex due to her frequent nagging and unsupportive attitude in helping me reach my career goals. She was more of a 'competitor' than a wife, owing to her strong personality and tough stance.

After a few months, Sweedee was also able to get her 6-year old son to live with us overseas. It was hard for the boy to accept me as an 'alternate' father, but he had no choice but to be with his mom. I tried my best to be a father to him, and we sort of lived like a model happy family there without giving any hint to a small circle of friends we had networked with there what our true identities were. All the while, I thought I found the right woman who would stick by me through bad and good times. In return, I showed her all the care, attention, and love a man can give to a woman.

Things started to change after living overseas for three years. Sweedee suddenly got bored and missed the company of her relatives. I was already living 'comfortably' with our lifestyle there and was surprised to learn that she wanted to go back in Manila and make things 'legal' and proper. I thought that was the way it should also be, but my career then was going the way I wanted it to be, so we agreed that they'd go back first and I would stay to work for another year until she got her annulment legal. She got her 'freedom' from her ex within a couple of months; the court decided it was a 'no-battle' because her ex didn't put any 'resistance' at all. It was a different case for me, my ex made it a difficult annulment case which dragged for over two years before I got the decision early this year. Within the last two years, I had to juggle from my present assignment and Manila to attend the hearings of my case. Within these years also, I noticed that Sweedee changed a lot. She wasn't the same woman who cared for me and respected me when we were just starting. She also refused me to stay in the house I'm renting for them while I'm attending the hearing of my case.

During one of the days I came for my hearing, Sweedee revealed something that explained why she suddenly turned cold and uncaring. During a class reunion, she met an ex-boyfriend who ditched her for another girl, but whom she truly loved. The guy was already married, but was also separated from his wife [not legally]. Sweedee admitted to me that she still loved the guy and was confused about her feelings. It was like the whole world caving in on me when I heard this. All the time I was working hard overseas to support them financially, she was seeing this guy, God knows what they were doing behind my back. Ang sakit, (God, but it hurt) Dr. Holmes. I told her to stop seeing the guy but she said she wouldn't give up a friend 'at hindi papatulan ang dumi ng isip ko.' (and she wouldnit dignify my dirty mind by giving in to my demands) I gave her the benefit of the doubt, but deep inside, my hunch said it was otherwise. I suddenly wondered whetehr this was 'karma' for what I have done in the past. Was history repeating itself, with me as the ex and the guy as the other man now? Siguro, if I didnit have a strong belief and faith in God, I could have been another suicide statistic abroad.

I prayed hard and just decided to move on and not let my work be affected by this. I left everything to God and let Him give me a vision on what path should I take.

I thought things would return to normal when I finally got approval of my annullment case this year. Actually, I decided that I should give myself one year to know whether I really wanted to marry Sweedee, after all the things that happened during the last three years. Now, another thing which was not part of our plan cropped up. She wants to work in the US and get a green card before we tie the knot. I'm already 37 and slowly feeling my biological clock ticking fast so I told her I can't wait for three more years. No matter how much I tell her about my concern to the point of offering her marriage now before they [with here son] leave for the US, she won't change her mind. This is where I was struck by your observation that the businessman's girlfriend was sending him 'indirect, gentle approach' to break up. Dr. Holmes, am I in that league?

Dr. Holmes, what's wrong with me? Is it really true that in life, you can't be successful in your career and also have a good marriage or love life? All I want is to have a peaceful and unstressful relationship. But because of this experience, I'm now afraid to enter another relationship for fear of having the same cycle again. I can't help but mistrust my opposite sex now [please dont get offended]. I can't help but think Sweedee just used me to get what she wanted to get. I felt sad for what I have done to my son -- the 'innocent victim' of my previous decision. I wish I can still get his respect.

Best wishes to you, Dr, Holmes, and your family.

Icarus

(BodyMind Vol. 1 No. 2 - First posted: 11-4-97)