Dear Dr. Holmes,

Before I answer your question about what I would tell my girlfriend if she were the one going through what I am going through now, let me tell you a little about myself: I was hurt badly before. I eloped with a guy 12 years older than myself when I was 15. Lived with him for 3 months, only to be kicked out with a couple of nasty bruises. I was pregnant and had an abortion, which was the best decision I ever made in my life. I went back home, back to school and had no sex for 7 years till I passed my first licensure exams. I've grown to build a hard shell around me, swearing not to allow anybody to hurt me again. Nobody managed to break that shell and expose the soft marshmallow inside...until Louie.

I'll answer the question now. If this were happening to my girlfriend, I'd tell her to go with Ernie, mainly because of what the child deserves. One child was lost before, and I think it's right to make it up with this second child. I think that's fair and will prevent the child from hating his/her mother someday.

If Louie could guarantee a "life happily ever after," I'd have been willing to take a risk, but not with this child. I'm a product of a broken family myself, and I swore if I have a child not to make him/her experience what I've been through.

Still, everything goes back to square one. I love Louie and I've never been this happy before I met him. Thinking of sharing my whole life with him beats any other thought.

Ernie’s a good man. He has a thriving practice in a town 15 minutes away from our apartment, and he stays there most of the week. He just pops in our apartment two or three days, mostly during the weekend. He's the kind of guy who knows what he wants, and will do anything to get it. When he learned about my pregnancy, he changed a bit, becoming very confident, and manipulative. Even though I told him I was in love with Louie, he just smiled at me and told me that eventually I will be with him.

He feels like he won the lottery. He told his parents, his friends, and he even told my family before I did. I found that very offensive. All of them are starting to map out my future, and I feel like wallpaper.

Help! Eagerly awaiting your advice

--JENNY

 

Dear JENNY:

Thank you very much for your letter. You have told me what you would tell your girlfriend to do if she were in your shoes (marry Ernie, who is her/his ‘real/biological father). I can’t tell you with any degree of certainty what you should do, but I can sure as hell tell you what you *shouldn’t.*; now allow me to tell you what I think you shouldn't do.

You shouldn’t marry Ernie. Even before wedding bells have rung (I dare say, even before you’ve told him unequivocally that, yes you will, marry him) he has changed into someone you like less. You think some of the things he’s done now are offensive? You will find other things even more offensive after he perceives you to have less options than you do now (e.g., after you’ve said "I do.").

Neither should you feel that your only other option is to go with Louie. In philosophy, that is called a "false dichotomy’ (thinking there are only two options when there could be a dozen more). Your choices are not limited simply to Ernie *or* Louie. There can be Bert, Harry, Clara or Susan. Not right now, maybe, but perhaps sometime down the road?

The best option, of course, would be neither Ernie, Louie, or even Bert, Susan etc. but plain and simply Jenny, standing on her own.

This doesn’t mean you must shun completely. You are right to not count on him 100%. He says some wonderful things, and may even be able to come through on all he says,..but talk is cheap and words are a dime a dozen. What you need to know is if he’ll come through and only time will help give you that answer.

I laud you for not to wanting to be involved with Louie straight away, simply on the basis of the Internet. Romantic though your e-mail encounters have been, that in no way makes up for face to face, everyday encounters. BUT things could work out between you and Louie. You simply need the time and opportunity to see how things develop between the two of you. You will have neither (time nor opportunity) if you keep on sticking it out with Ernie. As far as husband/mate for life material is concerned, Louie is an unknown quantity. Ernie is not.

You *know* Ernie’s not good husband material if only because you are in love with Louie. If you think Ernie will be a good father, fine. he can still be your child’s father and *not* be your husband. To do so would be doing the child--*and* yourself and Ernie-- a great disservice.

Finally, the last thing you shouldn’t do is fall prey to yet another false dichotomy; that of believing that theirs are only kinds of homes you can give your child: the Church-sanctioned family with Mommy married to Daddy or a "broken" home. Granted: under ordinary circumstances, life is easier with a husband. But your life is far from ordinary and to try and force it into that mold is doing everyone--especially your child--a disservice. Better to be husband-less than tied to a man ill-suited to be your mate for life, the way Ernie would be.

Instead of the above false dichotomy, replace your thinking with the true and realistic paradigm: There are many different kinds of homes, all welcoming and healthy, that a child can grow up in.

What matters most is a parent (or two or three but one is definitely enough) that loves her child enough not to be railroaded into decisions that need more time and opportunity, rather than pressure from others, to come to fruition (if at all). Please write if there is anything else I can do for you. All the best!

--MG Holmes

(BodyMind Vol. 2 No. 2 - First posted: 1-11-98)

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