Dear DR. HOLMES:

Hi!

I would just like to ask your mature and clinical opinion regarding my situation. Sometimes I feel that my boyfriend may be a little too much. We often engage, or rather, he insists, that we engage in anal sex. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable and other times I feel pain in my rectum. When I poo, I sometimes see blood and it scares me.

At first it felt yucky, but over time, I tolerated it because I loved him and I could see that he really enjoyed it. At times, I would suck his penis after and it tastes really weird.

My question is, is this unhygienic? Am I being too risky? Is it common for men to enjoy anal sex? Or is it my boyfriend just weird?

MYRA

Dear MYRA:

Is this unhygienic?

Yes, Myra, this is very unhygienic indeed. The anus has bacteria that belongs in the anus but does not belong in a woman's vagina or in her mouth.

That is the reason men are asked to wash thoroughly after anal sex before inserting their penises in their lover's vagina or mouths. Not doing so could result in a sexually transmitted disease. Thus, if you continue to engage in anal sex with him (more on that later) then under no circumstances should you put his penis in your mouth, vagina, or any other orifice unless he washes his penis thoroughly with soap and water.

Is this risky?

Yes, Myra, this is very risky. In addition to the problems we discussed in the previous paragraph, anal sex could result in some tears around the anus and among the capillaries and other blood vessels surrounding the anal opening.

That is probably the reason you see blood when you poo.

If your boyfriend has any sexually transmitted disease (STD) or is HIV positive, the tears around your anal opening would be a direct route for the STD/HIV to enter your blood stream, thus infecting you too.

Even if your boyfriend is STD- and HIV-free, however, he should stop having anal sex with you the way he is. (That is, he may continue if you continue to let him, but he has to do things a wee bit diffrently, a lot more gently. Anal sex can be fun and exciting and even raunchy withOUT your getting hurt or having your blood vessels torn.

Is it common for men to enjoy anal sex?

Yes and no. Some men like it and some men don't. Most men, however, factor in their girlfriend's feelings when they do engage in anal sex. In other words, their enjoyment isn't the only thing that matters. Your comfort with it--and this includes not only physical comfort but also emotional and psychological--matters just as much. It is very clear that you don't feel comfortable with what's going on.

This doesn't make you weird, prudish or "too delicadeza." This just makes you a reasonable human being.

What is NOT common is for him to insist on this when you are obviously uncomfortable with it. This is something brutes do, not men.

What really matters here, MYRA, is not anal sex per se, but the communication and the dynamics between you. Your communication (or whatever exists of it) is one-way (which is even worse than non-existent). You know exactly how he feels, exactly what he wants, and are doing all you can to accomodate him.

He, on the other hand, seems to have no clue regarding how you feel (anal sex hurts, it scares me, I wish we didn't have to do it) nor what you want (please, can't we stop?). Not a good sign, that.

You may argue that he knows how you feel, but that makes it even worse. A man who knows you hurt when you have anal sex and has not insisted you stop?!!? Shame on him.

A man who realizes you're worried and scared and has done nothing to alleviate that?!!? This is not a friend, this is a foe. The worse kind of foe there is, for he hides behind sweet words and sweet kisses,..that is, when you're not too busy servicing him the way he wants.

The dynamic between you is not that between equals, but that between master-slave. This is the reason YOU know exactly how he feels whereas he has no clue about your feelings. This is very typical of the relatiponship between the powerful and the powerless. Because so much hangs in the balance for the powerless, it is imperative they know what their masters feel and think. A master couldn't care less how his underlings feel because it doesn't make a bit of difference to his life whether they are happy, sad, ecstatic or indifferent, as long as they are around to serve him as he pleases.

Is my boyfriend just weird?

No, your boyfriend is not weird. Weird can be nice, engaging and fun. There is nothing engaging nor fun about what your boyfriend insists you do. Insist he stops not because oral sex is "bad." Under different circumstances and I, daresay, with a different lover, it can be very good indeed. But not with this one, unless he does a 180 degree turn.

Please write me again and tell me how else I can be of help to you.

All the best

MG Holmes

(BodyMind Vol. 1 No. 4 - First posted: 11-16-97)

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