Dear Dr. Holmes:
I'm turning 19 pretty soon, yet I still feel like a kid caught up in the past. I fell in love with this someone before, but I have never tried going all the way with him (though we almost got close). Something stopped me from doing so.
You see, when I was a kid (I don't remember how old, maybe between 6-8), our neighbor molested me. My parents never knew what happened. I never told them because of the threats of our neighbor to me. I can't remember how many times my neighbor did that to me but I remember I had no idea what he was doing to me. And later on, I got so used to it that I never really protested anymore.
Then it was a relief to me when we moved to another place. I built up a wall between me and the world. I realized then that what my neighbor did to me was bad. He took away my innocence. I don't have anything to offer to my future husband anymore. That's why I never got close to any guy until I met my first love.
Now, these are my questions: Is it true that after how many years of not being touched, the vagina goes back to its original size and will still be tight? Is it possible too that the hymen can be broken if one engages in activities like horse-back riding or biking? Can it be broken if someone finger-bangs a girl? Can I actually say I am a virgin even though I was molested a long time ago? It's just that I tell some people I'm close to that I am because I never really had any participation or whatsoever in what happened to me a long time ago. If I did know what was happening I would have stopped him.
Sincerely yours,
FELICITY
Dear FELICITY:Yes, it is true that after many years of not being touched, the vagina can get to be tight once more. It is also true that one's hymen can be broken by horse-back riding, biking or being fingered and not by sexual intercourse alone. In fact, the modern Filipina is so physically active that I doubt there are many intact hymens around, even among our virgins. Thus, Filipino men who insist their girlfriend bleed the first time they have sex as "proof" of her virginity are really merely offering proof of something else: their incredible naivete.
The scientific definition of a virgin is a person who has not experienced sexual intercourse (penis in vagina). If you have not experienced intercourse, you are a virgin and if you have experienced intercourse, you are not. As you can see, FELICITY, this has nothing to do with your innocence or guilt. There are incredibly innocent women who are no longer virgins, like yourself. Like yourself, these are women who had no choice in the matter and who had sex because it was forced on them. There are also other innocent women who are no longer virgins. Innocent in that their actions are done in love (or at least like) and have nothing to do with manipulation and/or force. From the first kind of unknowing innocence, you will have this second, more knowing, more voluntary, but just as honorable innocence when you finally decide to have sex with your one true love. Treating a person with decency and respect has far more to do with honor and innocence than having sex does. Your neighbor who tricked you out of your virginity is not an innocent person, but you are, no matter if sex occurred between you and he. You are an innocent, blameless woman, no matter what your neighbor did to you, no matter if you are a virgin or not.
You may no longer have your "virginity" to give your husband, but you can certainly give him your innocence-and keep on giving this to him. In addition, there are many other things you can give him; such as your courage, strength, honesty and humor. You have done so much with yourself despite what happened to you in your past and I know you can do a whole lot more, especially if you can resolve the past and see it for what it really was. Resolving the past does not mean sweeping it under the rug. It doesn't have to mean continuing to build a wall around you. You had very good reasons to do that before and I marvel at the strength within that enabled you to carry on without anyone noticing that something was amiss. but you don't have to do that anymore, FELICITY.
I am not telling you to make your life an open book. Choose special people in your life--both males and females--to share your secrets with. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You were a young girl of 6-8 to whom things were done that were completely beyond your control. But you can start to take control of your life now.
Dear, dear, FELICITY, you probably feel the abuses you experienced at the hands of your neighbor are unfortunate incidents that are best forgotten but in my clinical experience it is best to confront these incidents or you will never truly be free of them. You have started to confront the issue by writing to me anonymously. Later, (and I hope it is sooner rather than later) you can choose to confront this even more, the most effective way is usually through personal therapy. If that is too difficult right now, then e-mail me at drholmes@geocities.com and I will guide you the best I can via e-mail.
With every best wish!
MG Holmes
(BodyMind Vol. 4 No. 8 - First posted: 11-11-00)
