Dear DR. Holmes:
I am 16 years old and love my 17-year old boyfriend very much. We are part of a barkada that has been together for almost three years now. All of us have steadies within the barkada.
My boyfriend loves me too, and wants to go all the way with me to prove his love for me. How can I tell him I am not ready to do that without hurting his feelings?
Annabelle of Taguig, Rizal
Dear Annabelle:The following suggestion is not guaranteed to make him a happy camper, but I suggest you tell your boyfriend you want to hold off on the sex the very way you would want to be told the same thing: gently, lovingly, clearly, simply (as in *walang pasikot-sikot* i.e., directly), confidently ( you don’t want him thinking that if he asks you often and/or convincingly enough, you might relent and say yes) and, finally, in confidence.
If he gets the message that you are trying to bring across: (you love him and are even turned on by him, you just don’t want to have sex just yet), then he is quite a guy. Even better, if he doesn’t try to manipulate you into changing your mind by trying to pull a guilt trip on you (standard line: *“Kung talaga mo akong mahal, gagawin mo ito”* --”If you really loved me you would let me make love to you” to which the savvy girl’s standard answer is: *“At kung talaga m mo naman akong mahal, hindi mo ito hihingin sa akin”* “But if you truly loved *me,* you wouldn’t ask such a thing from me.”), terrrific! Hold on to this man for he is worth his weight in gold.
The difficulty with sex is that we invest it with so much emotion and equate it with our personal worth so much that most people find it difficult to be rational about being rejected on the sexual front. They mistakenly assume their whole being is being rejected rather than merely the invitation to have sex with them right here, right now.
Some 17-year old boys (and, actually many older boys disguised as politicians, newsmen and corporate executives), pretend they undertsand when a woman says no with the hope that they can get her to say yes later...after the fifth beer, or the third *lambing* (caress) or the twenty-something gift.
Some 17-year old boys (and many older ones disguised as men) will pretend to accept your position but constantly look for ways to get you to change your mind. Then, you have to make your choice: (1) *Still* not make love to him, risk his feelings being hurt and your relationship possibly ending OR (2) give in and make him happy...at least until the next unreasonable request he makes of you.
Needless to say, I hope you stick to your guns and choose the former. It’s hard to do, I know--very few 16-year old girls want to be boyfriend-less after being boyfriend-full for almost three years--*but* it is the simplest, smartest, most savvy way to hold on to your next relationship and, more importantly, to hold on to yourself.
All the best!
MG Holmes
(BodyMind Vol. 2 No. 21 - First posted: 10-31-98)
