Dear Dr. Holmes,

I'm 28 years old, single, and have never had sex with a woman yet. Well almost, some 10 years ago. The most I did was necking and petting. Also, I got a blowjob out of curiosity from a gay friend in high school, but I'm definitely not gay. I was scared then to have sex with my 1st girlfriend because I didn't want her to get pregnant.

Here's my problem. I vowed to myself that I will never get married because I'm not good in handling relationships. So this means, I won't be able to have sex with a woman for the rest of my life. I'm aware that women only go to bed with their boyfriends. So how about me? I don't want any love relationships. I just want to have sex. But who the hell is gonna go to bed with me? Do I have to have a love relationship before I can go to bed with someone? I don't want to go to prostitutes. They don't interest me. Please give me advice.

James

Dear James:

Thank you very much for you candor and clear-sightedness. SO "who the hell is gonna go to bed with you"? A lot of women, that's who. For starters, women who are turned on by candor and clear-sightedness. And there are several of those around. Not all women are turned on simply by marriage proposals, you know....or by the promise (if not outright reality) of a "serious relationship."

Yet another group of women who may be turned on by you are those that want the same things you do: good, safe sex without the encumbrance of wieldy relationships.

Again, there are many such women around. They just don't advertise themselves as such because why invite trouble, right? Trouble especially from ultra moralists or busy bodies who can make their lives difficult).

I wish there were a way for people to make their preferences known face to face (as opposed to answering and/or writing personal ads). Is there a particular color one can use, a piece of jewelry one can wear or a facial expression one can take on that would get the message across? Just as importantly, is there any way one could tell if such announcements were heart-felt and sincerely meant? You know, a message something like: "Nice gal/guy. Fun to be with. HIV (and other STD's)-free. Not into heavy-duty relationships but definitely into heavy-duty sex. Gives as good as s/he gets (if not even better). How about it?"

The cliche used to be: women give sex to get love while men give love to get sex. With men as up front as you, perhaps such cliches can be put to rest, to be replaced by: People give sex to get sex. People also give love to get love. I certainly hope so.

MG Holmes

(BodyMind Vol. 1 No. 1 - First posted: 10-25-97)