MAY 2000:

IN THE BAD OL' SUMMERTIME

Okay, I know. I haven't been updating the site as much as I should. Guilty as charged. But I've been busy. Honest. Real, real, REAL busy. See, I'm not only rewriting one of our scripts for a large production company (making the kind of eensy-weensy tweaks that, of course, change EVERYTHING!), but I'm preparing - with my friends and partners over at Comedy On Tap - to produce our first film. (Actually, they're doing most of the preparing, as they are MUCH smarter about that sort of stuff than I am - don't act so unsurprised.) Since all the i's are not dotted and the t's all crossed I'll have to fill you in another day, but it's exciting and interesting and... well, I've been busy.

But I never forget you, dear Spew readers (what can I call you... 'Spew-ites?', 'Spewpies?', 'Spewnatics?' or just 'starved for entertainment'?), and I feel obligated to provide my annual preview of the summer films about to hit theatre screens with a moist SHPLAP! sound over the next few months. But, like I said, I don't have a lot of time, so I'm going to restrict my pithy comments to a single pithy line (or two, if I'm feeling long-winded - but that NEVER happens!). Maybe the studios will see these and start placing them in their ads!

Yeah - and maybe Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton's marriage will last more than a year.

So here we go - blurb-meisters take notes... 

GONE IN 60 SECONDS: Hollywood is now scraping through the bottom of the barrel when they decide to remake H.B. Halicki drive-in movies from the 70's - I can't wait for the big-budget remakes of H.O.T.S. and VAN NUYS BLVD.

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 2: If it's like the first one, most peoples' mission: impossible will be to decipher the plot.

ME, MYSELF & IRENE: Wouldn't it be ironic if Jim Carrey got his much-sought-after Oscar nomination for this Farrelly Brothers film?

POKEMON THE MOVIE: 2000: Criminy, invaded by the Japanese for two straight years? Even in World War II they only nailed us once!

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to Metalfest 2000 - THE PSYCHLOS!!!
(Hollywood star alert: Travolta's codpiece is bigger than
Forrest Whitaker's. Yeah, right!)

BATTLEFIELD EARTH: Somewhere Kevin Costner is sleeping better than he has in years.

X-MEN: Unfortunately not a film about John Holmes and Ron Jeremy as super heroes.

THE KID: Bruce Willis is confronted with himself as a child - a smirking, cocky, toupee-wearing child.

BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE: Martin Lawrence's sad attempt to be just like Eddie Murphy AND Robin Williams. Alternate title: "The Nutty Mrs. Doubtfire."

Gee, you'd think Tom Green would be more obsessed
with small, round animals right about now...

ROAD TRIP: Tom Green made a movie - oh thank God, I wondered where the next Pauley Shore would come from!

CHICKEN RUN: Mel Gibson as the voice of a rooster that leads a bunch of hens to "FREEEEE-DOOOOOM!" Alternate title: "Chickenheart." The big difference is, if they dismember him at the end of this film, it's good eatin' for everyone!

SHAFT: "What's the most shameless attempt to get inner city audiences to flock to the motherfu--" "Shut yo mouth!" "Hey, I'm talkin' 'bout SHAFT!"

THE PATRIOT: Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich's version of the American Revolution, in which the British were beat back by the timely arrival of giant alien spaceships that smoked 'em with big death rays. Who says history is dry and boring?

I can't wait to see how Mel manages to work Three Stooges
routines into 1700's America. But that may just be me.

THE PERFECT STORM: Everybody gets wet, everybody drowns - too bad Mark Wahlberg didn't bring along his fake hoo-hah from BOOGIE NIGHTS to use as a flotation device.

THE HOLLOW MAN: Paul Verhoven making an invisible man film? I bet he still finds a way to make him ooze something.

There y'go. But do I think any of these films will be any good? Sure, some of them look kinda promising - THE PERFECT STORM; Maybe THE HOLLOW MAN; Never count out Carrey or the Farrellys, so ME, MYSELF & IRENE could be funny; Nick Park's "Wallace & Gromit" films are great fun, so CHICKEN RUN looks like a blast; SHAFT could be way cool; And of course BATTLEFIELD EARTH looks like an instant classic.

(Just kidding about BATTLEFIELD EARTH. It's an instant classic like SHOWGIRLS was an instant classic.)

What film will be this year's 'SIXTH SENSE' or 'BLAIR WITCH PROJECT'? Who knows? That's the great part about summer - there's always some big surprise lurking down the road ready to blindside us. In a good way, hopefully.