Mystery Science Theater 3000 - Sitcom Night - Breakin 3 - All Out War



(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the theater. The seats are replaced by a sleeper sofa. A tape recorder is next to it.)<BR>
<BR>
Tom:  Whats this?<BR>
Crow: Hit the play button. We’ll find out during the credits.<BR>
Tom: Hyah! (Hits button.)
Dr. Forester: I dare you to keep awake. Isn’t this sleeper sofa so soft? I bet you
can sink right into it. But in the meantime watch The Wonder Years - Episode 3:
 "My Father's Office"
 Pleasant nightmares.<BR>
Frank: (Overheard on tape) Dr. F what are you doing with my woobie?<BR>
(Tape clicks off.)<BR>
Mike: Huh.<BR>
Crow: This guy is the reason prozac was invented.<BR>

 
<BR>


<BR>
INT. DAY. ARNOLD HOUSE
<BR>
<BR>
All: (sing) Our house, in the middle of our street....
<BR>
[KEVIN and his brother, WAYNE are sitting
 at the kitchen table. MOM is fidgeting in the kitchen. Sound
 of car pulling into driveway.]
<BR>

<BR>
Crow: Who could THAT be?<BR>
<BR>
MOM: Your father's had a bad day at work so no noise.
<BR>
<BR>
All: (make little noises)<BR>

<BR>
[DAD enters the kitchen.]
<BR>

<BR>
Crow: Hi honey, I’m disgruntled!<BR>
<BR>
MOM: Hi hun, how's work?
<BR>

DAD: Work's work.
<BR>
<BR>

Tom: But enough talk.<BR>
<BR>
KEVIN: Let's go play catch.<BR>


WAYNE: Good idea.
<BR>
<BR>

Mike: (as Kevin) Your on your own mom!<BR>
<BR>
[DAD is sitting in easy char watching TV and KEVIN

and WAYNE are avoiding him by crawling in front of TV.]
<BR>
<BR>
Crow: They’re not playing catch!<BR>
Tom: They said that to leave the room.<BR>
Crow: Then why not just leave?
Tom: I dunno. Humans, what a bizarre species.<BR>
Crow: Indeed.<BR>
Mike: Hey!<BR>
<BR>

NARRATOR: When my father had a bad day
 at work, he'd just sit in the dark by himself and watched t. v. We learned
 early on that this was a danger signal and we adapted our behavior accordingly.
<BR>

<BR>
Crow: (as Dad) Ah The Playboy channel, pure entertainment for the whole family.<BR>
<BR>
[DAD standing in back yard looking through his telescope.]
<BR>
<BR>

Mike: (waves) Can he see us?<BR>
<BR>
NARRATOR: And when he had a really bad day, I'm talking about

a very not good day, he had this telescope, and he'd go in the back yard

and look through it for hours.
<BR>
<BR>
Crow: But dad is really keeping up his peeping tom hobby.<BR>
Mike: (as dad) Hey I can see Uranus!<BR>
<BR>

[MOM is helping KEVIN with his French
 at the kitchen table.]
<BR>

KEVIN: [French phrase]
<BR>

MOM: Very Good, Kevin.
<BR>

<BR>
Crow: You can have a cookie.<BR>
<BR>
[DAD's car pulls into the driveway. MOM
 lowers her head in sorrow for what's about to take place. DAD
 enters kitchen and immediately yells at KEVIN.]
<BR>

DAD: Dammit, Kevin, how many times I tell you not to leave your

bicycle in the drive way.
<BR>
<BR>

Tom:  Just once today.<BR>
<BR>
KEVIN: But I . . .
<BR>

<BR>
DAD: Do you think they grow on trees? If you don't want to take
 care of it, you don't have to have it.
<BR>
<BR>

Crow: Trees?<BR>
<BR>
KEVIN: But I was just going to ride it over to Paul's later
.<BR>

DAD: Now you're not going to ride it over to Paul's. You're going
 to put it away. Then you're going to go to your room. NOW!
<BR>

<BR>
Mike: Heil Hitler.<BR>
<BR>
NARRATOR: And then sometimes, you knew
 you shouldn't do it, but you just couldn't help yourself.
<BR>

KEVIN: Okay, okay, get a grip on yourself.
<BR>
<BR>

Crow: But not here of course.<BR>
<BR>
NARRATOR: You gave him lip.
<BR>

DAD: What did you say?
<BR>
<BR>

Tom: The narrator guy said “You gave him lip.”<BR>
<BR>
KEVIN: Nothing
<BR>

DAD: I asked you a question dammit, what did you say?
<BR>
<BR>
All: (sing What would you say by Dave Matthews Band)<BR>
<BR>

KEVIN: Nothing.
<BR>

DAD: We have certain rules around here, young man, and you're

going to follow them. The first one is that you take care of your own stuff.
<BR>

[KEVIN leaves kitchen to put his bike away. KEVIN
 is sitting on his bed, in his room, crying and throwing a baseball in his
 mitt.]
<BR>
<BR>
Tom: I coulda been a contender!
<BR>

NARRATOR: I guess we really didn't understand
 why he was so hard on us sometimes.
<BR>
<BR>

Crow: He said “hard on”!<BR>
Mike: Crow!<BR>
<BR>
[Home videos play of when the family was at the beach.]
<BR>
<BR>
All: Ahhhhhhh.<BR>
Crow: He’s making a point here right?<BR>
<BR>

NARRATOR: Because sometimes, and I remember
 these times so distinctly, my dad could be great. He could be so much fun.
 You never wanted that feeling to end . . .
<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Thats his point.<BR>
<BR>

[DAD in back yard looking through telescope.]
<BR>
<BR>
Mike: I see London, I see France I see the neighbor ladies underpants.<BR>
<BR>

NARRATOR: . . . and for some reason, it
 always would.
<BR>


<BR>

INT. DAY. SCHOOL BUS.
<BR>
KEVIN: Now look, first you have to have something you really want
 to be, and then you have to have a fallback position. So like, I wanna
 be a professional baseball player, but my fallbacks are either and astronaut
 or a forest ranger.
<BR>
<BR>
Crow:  Think about it though. The requirements are working with two bears who steal
picnic baskets, one called boo-boo.<BR>
<BR>

SCHOOL BOY: Okay. Okay, I want to be a professional baseball
 player too.
<BR>
PAUL: And what are your fallbacks?
<BR>

SCHOOL BOY: A professional football player.
<BR>

WAYNE: Why don't you fall back a little further.
<BR>
<BR>
All: Wa Wa Waaaaaa<BR>
<BR>

SCHOOL BOY: I don't know. I'd probably go into business with
 my father.
<BR>

KEVIN: What's your dad do?
<BR>

<BR>
Tom: Professional hitman<BR>
<BR>
SCHOOL BOY: I don't know. He works.
<BR>
<BR>

Crow: He works hard for the money.<BR>
<BR>
WAYNE: You don't know what your father does. That's the most
 stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life.
<BR>
<BR>
Mike: He hasn’t been out much has he?<BR>
<BR>

SCHOOL BOY: Yeah, well what does your father do?
<BR>

WAYNE: He works at NORCOM.

<BR>
KEVIN: Yeah, he works at NORCOM.
<BR>

SCHOOL BOY: NOR-COM? What the hell is that?
<BR>
<BR>
Tom: My thought exactly.<BR>
<BR>

WAYNE: It's a company, moron.<BR>


<BR>
Crow: No, no no. Its norcom!<BR>
<BR>
SCHOOL BOY: What does he do there? Is he the janitor?
<BR>

WAYNE: No, he's the manager, jerk.
<BR>

SCHOOL BOY: What does he manage, toilet bowls?<BR>

<BR>
KEVIN: No, business, stupid. He manages business.
<BR>

SCHOOL BOY: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
<BR>

<BR>
Crow: (as Kevin) Youre right, I’m stupid.<BR>
<BR>
NARRATOR: And that's when it hit me. I had absolutely no idea

what that meant. Fortunately, Wayne was able to salvage some of our family

dignity.
<BR>

WAYNE: So, you're too stupid to understand anyway, so, so [WAYNE

makes farting noises.]
<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Ug.<BR>
<BR>

SCHOOL BOY: Oh yeah [SCHOOL BOY makes farting

noises.]
<BR>

[PAUL joins in.]
<BR>
<BR>
Mike: This is the future of America, folks.<BR>

Crow: Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.<BR>
<BR>

INT. DAY. ARNOLD HOUSE.
<BR>
[MOM is hemming the skirt Karen is wearing. KAREN
 is watching TV in the kitchen.]
<BR>

KAREN: It's too long
<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Tell us about it!<BR>
<BR>

MOM: If I made it any shorter it would be a headband.]
<BR>
<BR>

Crow: A stylish headband at that.<BR>
<BR>
[KEVIN enters the kitchen.]
<BR>

KEVIN: Hey, mom.
<BR>

MOM: Hmmmm?
<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Not hmmmm, mom!<BR>
<BR>

KEVIN: What does dad do for a living?
<BR>
<BR>
Crow: (as mom) Now dearie, we told you to stop asking stupid questions.<BR>
<BR>

MOM: What do you mean what does he do for a living? He works
 for NORCOM.
<BR>

KEVIN: Yeah, I know. But what does NORCOM do?
<BR>

KAREN: They're part of the military industrial complex.
<BR>
<BR>
Tom: This is gonna take a while.<BR>
Crow: (falls asleep)<BR>
Mike and Tom: Hey look, its Adrienne Barbeau!<BR>
Crow: Where?<BR>
<BR>
MOM: It is not. They make those little thingies. You know, electro-something.
 I can't remember what they're called.
<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Nanites?<BR>
Mike: Bugs?<BR>
Tom:  Do-hickeys.<BR>

<BR>
KAREN: Those little thingies are helping to burn villages and
 kill children in southeast Asia.
<BR>

<BR>
Tom: Yeah but they only kill the bad ones.<BR>
<BR>
MOM: They are this big for god's sake [making a gesture with
 her hand], they are not killing anybody's children.
<BR>

KAREN: But you'd admit they're used for military purposes.
<BR>

<BR>
Mike: You win this time, girlie, theyre actually little cappuccino machines.<BR>
<BR>
KEVIN: Dad doesn't actually make those little thingies, does
 he?
<BR>

MOM: Well no, of course he doesn't actually make them.
<BR>
<BR>

Tom: Now hold on, if he was making the little things wouldn’t he have a better
attitude?<BR>
Crow: Probably not.<BR>
Tom: Ah.<BR>
<BR>
KEVIN: Then what does he do?
<BR>

MOM: He's a manager. He manages distribution and product support
 services.
<BR>
<BR>
Mike: He’s a middle man, admit it mom!<BR>
<BR>

NARRATOR: My mother obviously hoped the
 tone of her declaration would forestall the one glaring question that had
 substance raised.
<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Otherwise known as, the subject is closed, go eat a cookie.<BR>
<BR>

KEVIN: What does that mean?
<BR>

NARRATOR: No such luck.
<BR>

MOM: Kevin, why the sudden interest in your father's work?
<BR>

<BR>
Mike: I don’t think he knows.<BR>
<BR>
KEVIN: I don't know? Just wondered.
<BR>

[DAD's car pulling into driveway.]
<BR>
MOM: Well, that sounds like him now. Why don't you just go ask
 him yourself?
<BR>

<BR>
Crow: Thought you might want to wait till hes past the “bite your head off” stage.<BR>
<BR>
[DAD enters kitchen.]
<BR>
MOM: Hi hun. How's your day
<BR>

DAD: A day's a day.
<BR>
<BR>

Tom: And the days pay for whatever the heck he does.<BR>
<BR>
[DAD sitting in his easy chair, watching t. v. in the
 living room when KEVIN enters.]
<BR>
<BR>

Crow: Down in front, Mannix is on!<BR>
<BR>
NARRATOR: Yeah, ask him yourself. Easy
 for her to say. The man had grunted exactly twice in three and a half hours.
 I didn't see anyone else lining up to probe his inner life.
<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Though we do see him quite often muttering Buddha stuff in the bathroom. <BR>
<BR>

KEVIN: Dad? Dad, what do you do all day?
<BR>

DAD: What do I do all day? I shovel other people's crap so you
 kids can eat.
<BR>
<BR>
Tom: We have a winner!<BR>
Crow: Dad works in a stable! It has to be!<BR>
<BR>
NARRATOR: Okay. That was pretty specific.
 No need to press the issue.
<BR>
KEVIN: No, I mean, what do you do?
<BR>

<BR>
Mike: Like do you boss people or do people boss you?<BR>
<BR>
DAD: Huh? I work at NORCOM. You know that.
<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Thats been established! Let’s move on.<BR>
<BR>

KEVIN: Yeah, I know, but what do you do there?
<BR>

<BR>
Tom: Besides take up space.<BR>
<BR>
DAD: Come on, Kevin. I work all day and all I ask now is to sit
 here and watch this . . . [a commercial comes on] Great. Is two
 minutes peace and quiet too much to ask for around here? Now what do you
 want?
<BR>

KEVIN: Forget it.
<BR>

<BR>
Mike: Done and done.<BR>
<BR>
[DAD gets another drink while MOM is
 washing dishes in the kitchen.]
<BR>

<BR>
Crow: Mom, I bet some military school will put some starch in that kid.<BR>
<BR>
NARRATOR: Now I was in bed, sulking, so
 I can only imagine what happened next, but you have to bare in mind, when
 it came to surveillance, the cagey bee had nothing on my mother.
<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Whatever that meant.<BR>
<BR>

MOM: I couldn't help but over hear a little bit.
<BR>

DAD: Over hear what?
<BR>
<BR>

Tom: (as Mom) Those two robots and that chunky guy watching us.<BR>
<BR>
MOM: He just wants to know what you do, Jack.
<BR>

DAD: He knows what I do. I work at NORCOM.
<BR>

MOM: Yeah, but he wants to know what that's like. You got to
 relax a little, Jack.
<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Get a grip!<BR>
Tom: Careful, the last guy who said that got ran through.<BR>
<BR>

DAD: Dammit Norma, don't tell me to relax. What does he want
 to know? About the seven S14 forms I have to fill out every time I turn
 around, 'bout the whining customers, 'bout the incompetent jackasses in
 shipping and receiving.
<BR>

<BR>
Crow: See? Now thats educational.<BR>
<BR>
MOM: Yeah. Yes, I think that's exactly what he wants to know.
 He wants to know more about you, Jack. I don't know why that's so hard
 for you to understand.
<BR>
<BR>

Mike: Ah he wants to wear his fathers shoes without actually putting his feet in them.<BR>
<BR>
[DAD enters KEVIN's room. KEVIN
 is resting in his bed.]
<BR>

DAD: Uh. Hiya Kevin.
<BR>

NARRATOR: Oh no pal. You think it's going
 to be that easy. You hurt my feelings, and now you have to pay the piper.
<BR>
<BR>
Tom: oooh, tough talk.<BR>
<BR>

DAD: Uh. So you want to know what I do at work, huh?
<BR>
<BR>

Crow: DUH! Where he has been?<BR>
<BR>
NARRATOR: That's it, don't look him in
 the eye. Don't look him in the eye. Don't look him in the . . . oh geez,
 what are you doin'? You're killin' me here.
<BR>
<BR>
All: Us too!<BR>

DAD: It's no big deal, ya know. Mostly pushin' papers from over
 here to over there. It's not some big glamorous thing.
<BR>

NARRATOR: Okay. Fine, look at him. Look
 at him all you want, just no words, okay.
<BR>
KEVIN: What do the papers say?
<BR>

NARRATOR: Uhhhhhhh!
<BR>
<BR>
Mike: That narrator guy has his work cut out for him if his kid self wont listen to his older and now wiser self.<BR>

<BR>
KEVIN: What's your office like?
<BR>
<BR>
Tom:  Fab! I got two playboy bunnies that do steno for me.<BR>

<BR>
DAD: It's an office. Four walls, a ceiling. Kevin, why don't
 you come into the office with me tomorrow and see for yourself? I'll write
 you a note, okay. Okay?
<BR>

KEVIN: Okay.
<BR>
DAD: Okay. Goodnight [leaving room]. Set your alarm for
 6:30. I don't want to be waiting for ya.
<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Gee dad, thanks.<BR>

<BR>
[KAREN sitting at the kitchen table while reading newspaper.
 MOM is cooking breakfast. KEVIN enters.]
<BR>

MOM: Kevin, you look so nice. Karen, doesn't your brother just
 look so nice.
<BR>
<BR>

Tom: Blech.<BR>
<BR>
KAREN: He looks like a little running dog, capitalist pig.
<BR>
<BR>

Crow: Nice sister. Why don’t she live on a commune with her kind?<BR>
<BR>
[WAYNE enters.]

WAYNE: Hey, I see finally kicked the bucket.
<BR>
<BR>

Mike: Who? I heard static.<BR>
<BR>
MOM: Wayne.
<BR>

WAYNE: It's a here.
<BR>
<BR>

Crow: What?<BR>
<BR>
MOM: Your brother has an interest in what your father does, so
 he's going to the office with him.
<BR>

WAYNE: You mean instead of school.
<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Bout time he figured that out.<BR>

<BR>
KEVIN: Yep.
<BR>

WAYNE: Well, I've always interested in dad's work. I wanna go
 too. [To KEVIN] Give me that toast, butthead. [WAYNE
 takes a piece of toast from KEVIN.]
<BR>

<BR>
Crow: Make me jock-breath.<BR>
<BR>
[DAD enters.]
<BR>

DAD: We better go. Traffic's gonna be hell.
<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Must work on Dante Blvd.<BR>

<BR>

EXT./INT. DAY. NORCOM.
<BR>
[KEVIN and his DAD are in the NORCOM parking
 lot walking to the building.]
<BR>
<BR>
Tom: (as Dad) Next time kid deflate the tires of the car in my parking space?<BR>
Crow: (as Kevin) Okay. Whats in it for me?<BR>
Tom: (as Dad) Two bucks.<BR>
Crow: (as Kevin) Make it three and I’ll get his eight track player.<BR>
<BR>
NARRATOR: And so I went to work with my
 father. I didn't know exactly what I expected to learn about him here.
 I guess I was looking for clues. Something to explain why he was the way
 he was.
<BR>

[The two encounter DAD's coworkers.]

DAD: Everybody, this is my son, Kevin. This is Phyliss and Stan
 and Betty and Mary.
<BR>

<BR>
All: Hi!<BR>
<BR>
STAN: You look just like your old man.
<BR>
<BR>

Mike: Hey, thats an insult. I look more like my Aunt Mary-Beth.<BR>
<BR>
PHYLISS: Oh my goodness, he's adorable.
<BR>

MARY: What an angel. Look at those cheeks.<BR>


<BR>
Crow: Oh no, they’re gonna pinch them!<BR>
<BR>
NARRATOR: I got the feeling they didn't
 see a lot of twelve year olds around here.
<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Although a lot more people act like twelve year olds.<BR>
<BR>

DAD: Come on Kevin, I'll show you my office.
<BR>

[They enter his office.]
<BR>
NARRATOR: Dad's office wasn't impressive
 the way say, the Apollo 8 was impressive, but it did have a lot of cool
 stuff in it. A big executive desk, a phone with a lot of flashing lights,
 and a swivel chair.
<BR>
<BR>

Tom: Not really fascinating.<BR>
Crow: Wheres the microwave?<BR>
<BR>
KEVIN: Can I sit in your chair?
<BR>

<BR>
Mike: No. What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be in the cellar.<BR>
<BR>
DAD: Sure. [To intercom] Phyliss, pull the distribution
 reports. Oh, and the west coast shipping statements from September.
<BR>
<BR>

Crow: But it’s June.<BR>
<BR>
PHYLISS: Right.
<BR>

DAD: Thanks
.<BR>

KEVIN: [getting up] Here. No, you . . .
<BR>

<BR>
Tom: Fun!
<BR>
DAD: No. No, it's okay, sit down. Sit down. First thing you gotta
 learn about here is the S14 forms. You gotta fill one of these babies out
 every time ya... [Intercom buzzes] Yes, Phyliss.<BR>
 

<BR>
Mike: Actually I’m Rhoda.<BR>
<BR>
PHYLISS: Jeff Meyers on one.
<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Tell Oscar to hold the Mayo.<BR>
Crow: Actually fire that guy, I’ve had enough of his bologna.<BR>
<BR>

DAD: Okay. [He picks up the phone] Hello Jeff. How are
 ya? Good. Good, really. No, look Jeff, I told her the same thing, but she
 said you'd take one of the 1018's. Yeah, okay. Uh, okay, I'll see ya. Uh
 huh. [He hangs the phone up] Be with ya in just a minute here, Kevin.
<BR>

PHYLISS: Peter Dante on two.
<BR>
<BR>
Crow: He’s calling from the inferno bar again sir.<BR>
<BR>

DAD: Yeah Phyliss. Thanks. [He picks up the phone] Hello,
 Pete. Yeah, Jack Arnold. How are ya? Good, good. Listen, Pete, I was just
 talking with Jeff Meyers over in . . . I don't know. I don't know. I'm
 checking on it right now. Oh, well hell, Pete, they could just get someone
 else then.
<BR>
<BR>

Mike: This is interesting....to a gnat!<BR>
<BR>
NARRATOR: I had no idea what my father was talking about, but
 suddenly I fell in love with the rhythm and flow of it all. The way he
 punched those phone buttons, flipped through papers, gave orders. He had
 power, authority, just like at home, only here it was more mysterious and
 impressive.
<BR>

DAD: [hit phone button] Hello, Pete. Listen, I'm working on it
 right now. I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Thanks. [He hangs
 the phone up. To WISASKI:] Call Albuquerque, tell 'em
 Rusty ordered an AG Lansford and you get me the purchase orders from last

week. I forgot my briefcase in the car, Kevin.
<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Fetch dog boy!<BR>
<BR>
NARRATOR: I imagined myself in that role:
 administering things, giving orders, chewing people out.
<BR>

[KAREN enters.]<BR>

KEVIN: What the hell do you want?
<BR>

<BR>
Crow: Peace love and a good scotch brandy.<BR>
<BR>
KAREN: [with fear] Well, Mr. Arnold, sir, if you're not
 to busy, sir, I have some papers for your approval, sir.
<BR>

KEVIN: [stamping papers] Sure, I do everything else around
 here, don't I?
<BR>

KAREN: Thank you, sir.
<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Anyone fear him right now?<BR>
<BR>

[KAREN exits, WAYNE enters crawling on
 knees]
 <BR>

KEVIN: Good morning, buttface.
<BR>

WAYNE: Good morning, sir. I spent all night working on these
 for your approval, sir.
<BR>

KEVIN: [ripping and throwing the papers back in WAYNE's
 face] They stink. Do 'em over again.
<BR>

WAYNE: Thank you, sir.
<BR>
<BR>
All: Heh.<BR>
Tom: Weird.<BR>

<BR>
NARRATOR: Yeah, this was okay. Like father, like son, I guess.
<BR>

[WAYNE leaves and DAD enters, as does
 WISASKI.]
<BR>

DAD: What's that? Bring the purchase order. Phyliss, get Pete
 back for me.
<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Then get Roger Front for me.<BR>
<BR>

PHYLISS: Okay.
<BR>

DAD: What's this?
<BR>

WISASKI: We need these approved by Friday and we're having a
 problem with STI Phoenix. The October shipment's late.
<BR>
<BR>
Crow: But its JUNE!<BR>
Tom: Easy, you got to check you inner calendar.<BR>
Crow: OOPS, I’m wrong. Sorry.<BR>
<BR>

DAD: What do you mean late, how late, and how'd you find this
 out?
<BR>
<BR>

Mike: Whens the baby due?<BR>
<BR>
WISASKI: Well, they called yesterday, but I thought they would
 get there by today.
<BR>

DAD: You though maybe it would get there by today. What the hell?
 [To intercom:] Phyliss, get me Southwest Express, please.
<BR>

<BR>
Tom: And get me coffee!<BR>
<BR>
WISASKI: Well, actually we're using a new carrier. Maybe they,
 ya know . . .
<BR>

DAD: You what? You went with a new carrier? Jesus, Wisaski! You
 didn't clear that with me. If this screws up the damn account, we're all
 gonna be . . .
<BR>
<BR>

Crow: Dead.<BR>
Tom: Screwed.<BR>
Mike: Even worse.<BR>
<BR>
WISASKI: Look, I'm sorry. Maybe I should go down there.
<BR>

DAD: Look, no. It's okay, I'll handle it. Next time check first
 with me. [To KEVIN] Tell you what, Kevin, it is time
 you learned about the most important part of the working day . . . the
 coffee break.
<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Our coffees done too. Be right back. (Tom leaves)<BR>
Crow: Hurry!<BR>
<BR>
PHYLISS: Jack, Mr. Keller's on line one.
<BR>

DAD: Tell 'em I'm not here.
<BR>

PHYLISS: But he sounded like it was important.
<BR>

<BR>
Crow: Hell everything is important. If it wasn’t nothing would get done.<BR>
<BR>
DAD: [to KEVIN] Come on.
<BR>
<BR>

Mike: OK.<BR>
<BR>
[DAD and KEVIN are sitting at a table
 in the NORCOM cafeteria.]

<BR>
DAD: Sure that's what you want.

<BR>
KEVIN: Yeah.

<BR>
DAD: Uh huh. Learn something' new every day.
<BP>

<BR>
Mike: Thats for sure. (Tom comes back)<BR>
<BR>
KEVIN: Dad?
<BR>

DAD: Hmmm?
<BR>
<BR>

Crow: Bop?<BR>
<BR>
KEVIN: When did you decide you wanted to be a manager of distribution
 and product support services?
<BR>
<BR>

Tom: (sips coffee) Lets see, tell him about my Jim Morrison dream or tell him the truth.<BR>
<BR>
DAD: [laughing] Sorry. Just a funny sort of a thought.
 Didn't really wanna be a manager of distribution and product support services.
 I mean, it's a good job, but I didn't think that's what I'd be doin' with
 my life.
<BR>
<BR>
Crow: He wanted to be a rocket man, burning out his fuse alone.<BR>

<BR>
KEVIN: What did you want to do?

<BR>
DAD: What, are you kiddin', a professional baseball player.
<BR>

KEVIN: No, really.
<BR>

DAD: Well, I did have a fallback position.
<BR>
<BR>

Mike: I wanted to work at weight watchers.<BR>
<BR>
KEVIN: This job?
<BR>

DAD: No. I never told anybody this before, not even your mother;
 when I was your age, I wanted to be a captain of a ship.
<BR>
<BR>

Crow: (as William Shatner) And boldly go where no one has gone before.<BR>
<BR>
KEVIN: A captain of a ship?
<BR>

DAD: Yeah. Ya know, one of those big ocean liners, or a freighter,
 or an oil tanker. Be out there on the ocean in the middle of the night,
 navigating by the stars. Coarse, they use instruments for all that now.
 I didn't know that. Yeah, thought it would be the greatest thing in the
 world.
<BR>
KEVIN: How come you didn't do it?
<BR>

DAD: How come? Well, ya know, one thing leads to another and
 I went off to college and met your mother. Next summer I got a job on a
 loading dock here at NORCOM. Rest is history.
<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Up till today anyway.<BR>

<BR>
KEVIN: You'd a made a great ship's captain, dad.
<BR>
<BR>

Crow: No need to suck up, kid.<BR>
<BR>
DAD: Nah, probably not. Probably get sea sick. Ya know, Kevin,
 you can't do ev'ry silly thing you want to in life. You have to make your
 choices, try and be happy with them. I've think we've done pretty well,
 don't you?<BR>

KEVIN: Yeah, I think we've done great.
<BR>

[KEVIN and DAD approach the door to his
 office when they do DAD plays with KEVIN's
 tie. When they enter the office MR. KELLER yells at DAD.]
<BR>

<BR>
Mike: Dad, youre kinda gagging me (Gags) Ah thats better.<BR>
<BR>
NARRATOR: But as we walked back to my father's
 office, I suddenly realized something that made a lot of things make sense.
 My Dad was to good for this place. Sure it was good, we were all lucky
 he had it and all that, but my Dad had something finer in him than S14's
 and distribution reports. I'll never forget how I felt at that moment.
 I felt that my father was a great man.
<BR>

<BR>
Crow: A great man of the world.<BR>
<BR>
MR. KELLER: What the hell is this, Arnold? This is incompetence,
 just plain  incompetence.
<BR>

DAD: Look, Al, Wisaski . . .
<BR>

MR. KELLER: Nevermind Wisaski, he works for you. Now this is
 the third major screw up in your department in the last two months. Now
 if you can't hire competent people, and supervise them, we can find somebody
 that can.
<BR>
<BR>
Tom: I’d hate to see that guy at home at night. Makes Arnold here look like a man
repressing his feelings.<BR>
<BR>

DAD: It's being taken care of.

<BR>
MR. KELLER: Well it sure as hell better be. Oh, and one more
 thing. The next time I try to get you on the phone, you better be there
 to take the call. Now do you read me, Arnold? DO YOU READ ME?
<BR>

DAD: Yeah Al, I read ya.
<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Sensitivity training would do this office a world of good.<BR>
Mike: At least maybe leak some sedative in the coffee or something.<BR>
Tom: Dr. F did this to the coffee!<BR>
All: (Throw it on the floor.
)<BR>

<BR>

INT. NIGHT. ARNOLDS' KITCHEN.
<BR>
[MOM, WAYNE, and KAREN sitting
 at kitchen table. DAD comes in, slams door, holding jacket,
 and straightening tie. Seconds later, KEVIN does the same
 thing.]<BR>
<BR>

Tom: Wow, thats funny! I don’t get it.<BR>
<BR>

EXT: NIGHT. ARNOLD'S BACKYARD.
<BR>
[DAD standing in backyard looking through telescope. KEVIN
 peeks out window, then comes outside.]
<BR>

NARRATOR: That night my father stood there,
 looking up at the sky the way he always did, but suddenly I realized I
 wasn't afraid of him in quite the same way anymore. The funny thing is,
 I felt like I lost something.
<BR>

<BR>
Mike: My contact is around here somewhere.<BR>
<BR>
DAD: Come here, Kevin. That's Polaris, the North Star. That's
 how sailors used to find their way home.

<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Speaking of home. We gotta go.<BR>
Crow: OK.<BR>
<BR>
(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the desk area.)<BR>
<BR>
Tom: That was great, seeing those home movies reminded me of the time Joel was here.<BR>
Crow: I  miss him too. Not to say you’re not as good as he is Mike.<BR>
Mike: Thanks. But I do kinda feel like when BJ Hunnicut replaced Trapper John on MASH and in the hearts of the American people.<BR>
Crow: Yeah.<BR>
Mike: I think people are starting to get used to me.<BR>
Tom: Let’s not go nuts. I’ve made some crumpets to go with our milk.<BR>
Mike: Its sitcom sign, we’ll eat these in the theater.<BR>
Gypsy: I like you Mike.<BR>
Mike: Thanks Gypsy.<BR>




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