. "Won't you just give me a hint?" Alia asked, looking straight at
Micheal.
"I have told you at least 17 times in this past week, I can't,"
Micheal said, trying to sidestep the girl in his path. She moved with
him. She took his hand. Held it tightly in hers. Wrapped her fingers
in his. She looked so good today. Micheal felt the tips of his ears
burn and shifted his gaze. But he didn't pull away. Alia moved from
his path to his side, still holding his hand, as they continued down
the hall.
"I don't see why it's such a big secret. You don't even have to
go into details, Just give me a tiny tiny hint?" Alia didn't know why
he didn't just tell her. She knew Zarah was working on Catherine
Parker's case. She had seen the pictures and notes from SL-27. She
had sneaked a peek at Zarah's series of sims. So why wouldn't Micheal
just tell her? Zarah had said about five words to her since Monday.
Micheal had been with Alia almost non-stop since then, just spending
time. His sims had stalled since Zarah had removed him from the
Physical Sciences rooster. But why was Zarah acting so strangely?
Micheal said she had actually grabbed his arm. Alia hasn't seen Zarah
voluntarily touch anyone besides herself, Alia and the small children
in the Centre for over ten years. The time one of security tried to
grab her, Zarah had broken his wrist. At least, Zarah said he tried to
grab her. Alia was only seven at the time, so of course she believed
what her sister said. Now she wondered.
"Alia? I'm sorry I can't tell you. Please don't be mad?" Mike's
voice broke into Alia's thoughts. She realized they had stopped
walking. She forced a smile onto her face. Micheal looked so
miserable.
"OK, I'll stop bugging you, But promise me one thing."
"What?" The suspicion Micheal loaded on that one word was
comical. Alia giggled.
"Next time you see Zarah, tell her I want to know. She won't talk
to ME," Alia said. She smiled at the look of exaggerated relief on his
face. His lips puckered in concentration. Not knowing why, Alia leaned
forward and gave him a quick kiss on the mouth. She meant for it to
only last a moment, but Micheal deepened the kiss, made it last. She
stepped closer to him unconsciously, putting her free hand on his
shoulder. Remembering something she had once heard some older kids
talking about, she parted her lips slightly and reached her tongue to
taste Micheal's lips. He opened his mouth in response, and let Alia
touch his tongue to hers. His heart was beating so hard Alia could
feel it where her chest was pressed against his. My, but did it feel
good, standing with him like that, held close to him, kissing him,
tasting him. Alia crept one hand around the back of his neck and was
reaching the other hand.....
"Shouldn't the two of you be working or something?" Shallsee's
voice rang through their timid physical explorations. Alia and Micheal
sprang apart. Mike folded his arms across across his chest, and Alia
put her hand over her mouth. They were in trouble, Shalls would tell
Zarah and Zarah would be mad, Alia's confused thoughts ran. Shallsee
just stood there with an amused look on her face. "I was under the
impression that Zarah told you," and she pointed at Alia, "to keep
your appointments with OddApple at the pool, and you," again Shallsee
pointed, this time at Micheal, "to behave around her sister. I somehow
doubt this would qualify." Alia looked abashed. Micheal looked around
the hall, avoiding all eyes.
"Are you going to tell her?" Alia asked, still half afraid Zarah
would be mad at her and Micheal, despite the tone Shallsee was using.
"No. You are," Shallsee spoke as she turned to leave. "Micheal,
I think Corrine was looking for you to prep some sims. Alia, let's
go."
Neither of them moved. They looked at each other, hesitant to
leave after what had just happened. "Fine. You two lovebirds say your
'for now's' and meet me at the elevator." Shallsee walked off.
Alia watched as Shallsee rounded the corner, and sighed. She
turned back to Micheal. She still didn't know why she had kissed him
at all. She only knew it felt right. She could still feel the
sensations trickling down her spine. Micheal stood still too, staring
at Alia. He had hoped she would kiss him, one day, but had always
worried that she wouldn't want to. Not knowing what she would do, he
had tried to keep his interest and curiosity secret. Neither of them
said anything.
"Alia, hurry up!" Shallsee's yell sounded from around the corner.
Alia's head snapped in that direction, then back to Micheal. A happy
smile blossomed onto her face.
"I'll see you later?" her question sounded very hopeful. Micheal
nodded rigorously. "Good. Bye!" She stepped lightly down the hall and
turned the corner.
Micheal let out his breath. Wow. He had never been kissed before.
Before he met Alia, he hadn't known girls could be so nice. He liked
holding her hand. He hoped Zarah wouldn't have a problem with it.
Zarah, I hope she'll be ok. She's working too hard.... Work, oh no, I
have to work soon. Micheal took off at a run towards the stairs. Never
a good idea to get Corrine irritated.
*******
Zarah sat in her office. She had broken the desk lamp when she
flung it across the room, and she couldn't move to turn on the
overhead lights. When had the sun gone down? It was so dark in the
room, she couldn't see. She didn't want to see.
Was it only last Monday she had been joking with Micheal? It felt
like months. She tried to pull her legs closer to her body, to move
closer against the wall. If only she could get her mind to be quiet.
But voices screamed, just inside her head, just outside her understanding. The noise wasn't getting any quieter. So much clatter.
It had started after she was talking to Micheal. When she remembered
that incident, so many years ago, it had forced the harsher side of
this project to her consciousness. Catherine was manic depressive. A
fact complicated by her husband and his control. It was like falling
down a well, not knowing where the water level was, but praying to God
you wouldn't hit because anything was better, any pain, any suffering,
than the cold abyss. Zarah internalized this. Became it. This was so
much easier than the other sims because she wasn't pretending. She
knew these feelings. Inside and out. And now, all the hate and anger
and sadness and loneliness and pain and fear and terror and panic were
racing inside her head. Screaming at each other, making her think too
hard. Pushing her down. Pulling her along down the slope. And towards
the water.
She realized she was rocking back and forth again. She wanted to
stop, to calm her body, but she couldn't. She started to shake.
Gripping her lower arms with her fingers, digging her nails in. A
strangled scream rose in her throat. She choked it down. She released
her arms and pushed her hands into her hair. Pulled tight, trying to
pull the noise out. Still rocking back and forth.
Suddenly, she stilled. All the energy left her body. She slumped
against the wall. Slowly, she managed to pull herself into a standing
position. Stumbled to the couch and collapsed. Buried her face into
the cushions. Lay still.
Zarah may have fallen asleep, for the next thing she heard was a
knocking at the door. She raised her head. Light was beginning to
filter into the room from the rising sun. She dropped her head back
down. Who ever it was, could go away. Zarah felt so empty inside.
The knock sounded again. This time, Zarah didn't move at all. She
heard the door open.
Alia pushed the door open. It stuck halfway. and she had to give
it a shove. Broken glass tinkled as the door hit the wall. The room
looked like a war zone. All the furniture was overturned, broken glass
was all over, writing was on the walls. And a crumpled figure on the
couch.
"Zarah?" Alia's voice cracked. She was too scared to move.
"Zarah?" This time she spoke in a whisper.
Zarah could hear the fear in Alia's voice, pushing through the
haze in her head. She slowly raised her head. She saw herself, a child
scared and alone in the doorway. Slowly, she sat upright, wincing
where her bruised arm hit the couch arm. Beckoned Alia to come closer.
The girl walked across the room, broken glass crunching under her
feet. She sat on the couch.
"What happened to you?" Alia asked tentatively. Zarah paused for
a few seconds, staring right at her sister, then spoke.
"I remember the first time I saw you. You were about four hours
old. So tiny. So perfect. Your little hand grabbed my fingers. You
held on so tightly, I didn't think you'd ever let go. But you did, and
you're doing a damn fine job of it. Take Micheal, do whatever you want
to with him. You do like him, right?" That was more of a statement.
"You're so lucky, you can do this at your own pace. No one is forcing
you to grow up too soon. To be someone else." Zarah had stated
rocking again. "You can be who you are. Lucky. Lucky." She started
laughing and sobbing at the same time. She buried her face in her
knees. Her rocking became more violent.
Alia was so alarmed she got up, half stumbled to the door, and
ran into the hall. Chamille's office was just down a ways. She slammed
the door open, startling Shallsee and Chamille.
"Shallsee, there's something very very wrong with Zarah. Her
office is a complete mess, she has this big bruise on her arms, and
she's crying," Alia blurted out before either of them could speak.
Shallsee looked at Chamille, who nodded. Shallsee then got up and
went towards the door. Alia swallowed her fears and started to follow
her.
"Wait," Chamille's calm voice commanded. "Alia, stay here."
Alia stopped dead. Shallsee looked back and forced a reassuring
smile onto her face.
"It'll be ok, hon. I promise." And she was gone.
*******
What a mess, Shallsee thought, staring around Zarah's office.
Whether she meant the office or Zarah herself was debatable. The white
-on-white walls were cover with what looked like black and red paint.
The beautiful colored glass desk lamp Zarah loved was shattered and
strewn around the white carpet. The desk, filing cabinet, and chairs
were overturned and in various states of disarray. Amazingly, the
computer in the corner appeared unscathed. But Zarah....
She was crouched in a fetal ball in the corner of the couch,
still rocking herself. She had stopped crying, but she looked so hurt.
Her forearms were bare, and Shallsee could see darkening bruises on
them, from where Zarah was still gripping them. Her hair was undone,
and falling in front of her face. Honest to God, she looked as though
her soul had been ripped out. Shallsee's heart almost broke.
"Zarah?" She asked softly. The girl flinched as if she had been
slapped. She let go of her arms and wrapped them around her head.
"Go away," Zarah pleaded from her tiny ball. How could anyone so tall make herself so small? Shallsee took a few more steps towards
her. She sat on the couch, right next to Zarah, and put her arm over
Zarah's shoulders. She felt so frail and small. At first, Zarah
hunched away from the contact, but slowly, ever so slowly, she began
to relax against her friend.
"Tell me what happened," Shallsee said softly. Zarah didn't seem
to hear, but after a while, she began to speak.
"Remember how I told you last week it was hard for me to do the
sims? The ones with Catherine and Jacob? 'Cause I didn't know what
they were feeling? I have never gotten that close to anyone. Never
wanted to...." She trailed off, her breathing becoming more ragged.
But she didn't cry. "I saw Catherine's last days. It was as though she
were falling down a well. See, those feelings I could feel better. I
know them. They are a part of me. Always will be."
Shallsee didn't know what to say. Zarah was still curled up
small. Still shaking. But now she was leaning against Shallsee.
"Zarah? Can you tell me what you mean? I don't understand what
brought this on," Shallsee asked quietly.
Zarah's breathing got ragged again for a bit, then calmed.
Finally, she said, "When I started this sim, with Catherine and Jacob,
I only wanted to know. I had heard of Catherine. She was such a good
person, she really was. When her daughter was born, it was the best
thing that ever happened to her. She was such a good mother. But
before that, she was so close to falling. Do you have any children?
No, you don't. You should. I wanted some. Some that aren't clones.
Ones that can be a part of me. But Cathy.... She was always so full of
life. As a child, she was so wonderful. She had this light about her.
And she started with the Centre to try to help people. But when the
Centre went bad, she felt so guilty." Zarah's voice took on a hard
tone, dispassionate. It were as though she were reading a script. Only
the deep shudders that wracked her body gave any indication as to her
distress.
"Try to imagine such a wonderful lady, so full of life and love,
and make her feel as though she was ripping children away from their
families. And she couldn't help it. Every time she looked at them,
looked at her daughter, it was like she slipped further down the well.
No matter how much she tried, it was like every child was ripped away
from her..." and Zarah just cracked. Flung away from Shallsee, flew
off the couch, across the room, tripped and slammed full force into
the wall. Started pounding on the wall and floor with her hands. "Why
me? Why the hell did these bastards pick me? I never wanted to feel
this! I just wanted to help people! Those poor children, I was trying
to get them home, I am so sorry..." The frantic sobbing came from deep
within Zarah's chest.
Shallsee moved after her, caught her hands, held her, stopped her
from hurting herself anymore. Zarah started sobbing, deep sobs from
her heart. Shallsee just held on, rocking with her. She's being
Catherine now, Shallsee thought. I never imagined that it would be so
hard for her. She's taken on too much. She's too much like Catherine,
even not pretending. Damn it, how could I let this happen? A sim like
this should never be performed by children. A child like her. She's so
young. She so young.... Now I see why she keeps such a close eye on
Alia. Why she protects that baby. Why she wants her to grow up slowly.
Zarah slowly stopped, stilled. She held on to Shallsee, needing
some contact with someone real. She had been alone, isolated too long.
She had been pushing Alia away for a long time, almost too long. No
one ever came close to her. She needed a friend. A real friend. She
needed to get back control, not just of her life, but of her mind. She
had been convinced long ago that it wasn't hers. Now, finally, she had
a grasp on it. And she was not letting it go.
"Shallsee?" Zarah's timid voice asked. She slowly stopped moving,
sat up. Shallsee let go of her, but stayed near. "If I tell you what I
saw, in the last sim, would you promise not to get mad?" Zarah
looked sideways at Shallsee. Her hair had fallen in front of her face,
and her face was streaked with tears. She looked so young.
"I promise I'll listen. I'll stay right here," Shallsee promised.
She shifted her weight, and sat on the floor. Zarah took a deep
breath, and began.
"This is what I saw. I have to talk as her, ok? This is what was
running through her head," Zarah said, beginning.
***********
Taunt me, taunt thee. Find the clue, you are a stupid child, you
will NEVER learn You will always be behind because you aren't good
enough not smart enough not pretty enough not ALIVE enough. Next time,
WATCH more to learn what to do how to act how to HIDE. Jumping out
into the open is one more way for you to get HURT and no one will care because you aren't really alive. So go back into the SHADOWS, go
back into the corner into the waters, under and try not to drown even
though you are being PUSHED down PUSHED under we won't let you surface
not until you learn and you will never learn so we will say goodbye
but we won't miss you in fact we won't even break out stride to say
bye-bye so just lie in your grave and don't make any noise we will
laugh at you as you lie there, forgotten and over and crumbing to
dust. The day after you are gone we will find another to torment, and
SHE will have the same fate, it is this way it always has been and the
way it always will be. Don't try to STOP us and don't try to smile, a
cruel smile that stabs your heart into a little more each time. One
more fear one more tear once more you cry once more you die....
*******
Zarah settled back against the wall. Shallsee just looked at her.
"This is what she was feeling, that night. The night she ended up
in the emergency room. When William hit her. Did you know that her
husband just watched? It was supposed to be a warning. She chose not
to heed it. If Jacob was out, she felt she didn't want to play
anymore. Only Missy helped her hold on. In the end, the decision was
taken from her. When he had her killed," Zarah said.
Shallsee said nothing. Zarah twisted a wry smile.
"She never had a choice. She was so good, and she was dragged
down so far," Zarah continued. "I wonder why. I wish I didn't. But now
what? How do I tell Missy about this? I can't. She has to know, but I
can't." Tears filled her eyes. "I just can't."
She slumped back against the wall. She was crying again, but
softer and with less panic. Shallsee sat next to her still. It was
Zarah's choice, no doubt, but what a choice.
Such a hard choice.
