. I watch Jacob getting out of his car. Even after all these years,
and for as long as it had been since I had been with him, I still feel
that pull. That's what hurt so much. After all we have done... He
sees me now. Suprised I am here, he looks... not disappointed.
Thankfully. I don't think I can stand his rejection after all this.
He's coming over. I can't back down, this needs to be said. I have to
convince him to end this. Now.
"Hello." God, how can anyone's voice be so *good*? I still want
to hear it in my ear, him near me.... He stopped, why did he stop?
"What is it?" What is it? How can he not know what is wrong?
"How could you?" That came out wrong, I should have started from
the beginning, but it can't be helped now.
"Excuse me?" He looks confused, as thought he has no idea what I
am talking about. I'm nervous now, I cross my arms and start moving
around.
"How could you take innocent children and cast them into the pits
of this hell-hole?" He looks as though he understands what I am saying
now, but.....
"Aren't you exaggerating?" He's kidding a bit, he didn't deny it,
he knows what he is doing, he always did. I can't move anymore, I have
to stop. God, every word of this is killing a tiny part of me. Every
word, another part of my soul dies.
"Not for the kids. When I first met you, when I knew what you
were doing... We worked around each other. You did your damage and I
cleaned up after you." I am getting angry now. Looking back over the
years, so much damage I see. He has this stunned look on his face. He
was not prepared for this.
"What are you talking about, Cathy?" I can't believe he said
that. How can he not know what I am talking about? Doesn't his
conscience ever bother him? The children? So young, so smart, so
damaged.
"I'm talking about Jarod." I turn around and look directly at
him. "Poor boy. But at least he has Sydney, who might treat him like a
human being for a while. And Kyle. Do you know what Raines is going to
do to him?" There is a note of desperation in my voice now. He hears
it, he is looking down. Why won't he say anything? "We.... WE take
these children, rip them out of their homes, away from their families
and throw them into this cage!" I am feeling the shame again. And the
guilt.
"Cathy, what brought this on?" He walks over and puts his hand on
my shoulder. His touch still burns me. I have to pause and breath for
a minute before I can speak. I can't let him hear my panic now. When I
do speak, it is softer than before. But at least my voice does not
crack.
"I was watching Missy play yesterday. Do you realize that she is
the same age as Jarod? He can't play anymore. In a few months, he
won't remember his family anymore. He'll only have Sydney. His
parents, do you know what this is doing to them? They had their
children ripped away. They don't know if they are dead or alive. If
that happened to our daughter, I don't know what I'd do." I have to
stop, gulp in the air. Air is so stale in this parking garage. "I
can't let anyone take her away. She is all I have left. How can they
do this?" I stand in front of him now. He hasn't moved. "How can YOU
do this?" I can't help myself, I push him. Away from me. He stumbles
back a step. And stays, away from me. This hurts even more. "You
bastard! You're just like them, just like them, you're all the same,"
I break into tears now, but I can't stop. I speak through the sobs.
"How could you be like them, I thought you were different, I thought
I loved you, I thought you were different...." I can't talk anymore.
The pain of finding him so many years before, having to be near him
at work all the time and not be able to touch him, the anger at
feeling this way over someone who was like this, shame that I am just
like him too. I drop my face into my hands and cry. I feel him come
closer, put his arms around me. One of his arms circles my waist, the
other hand strokes my hair. I feel safer this way, I put my arms
around his neck and cry into his shoulder. How long do we stand there
like this? He holds me, close and safe. This is why I couldn't stay
away from him. This feel of security in his arms. His body solid
against mine. His breath in my ear, his hands on my back and my neck,
my hair.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't ever want to hurt you. I'm scared
of not saying the right thing, how can I convince you. But we decided
long ago, to protect the families." His voice is gentle in my ear. I
stop crying and listen. But I will not let go of him. Not yet. "I know
it hurts. I'm sorry, I never wanted to hurt you or your daughter. We
have to stop them, I know." He takes his arms from around me, puts his
hands on my shoulders and makes me look at him. "I'll talk to Syd.
Maybe I can convince him. But remember.. We have to do this. If we
work together, we can beat them." He is right, I know he is. Then why
do I feel so bad? I just look at him. I feel sad. I move closer to him
once more, and kiss him softly on the cheek. Linger, taste his skin,
feel his body heat. Back away, turn, walk away slowly. I can't look
back. He is right. We have to stop them. But then why do I have this
feeling that neither one of us is going to survive this? And why did I
have to find him in the middle of this? This all hurts so much. I get
in the elevator, push a button, and lean my head against the wall.
Fight these feelings. Push them down. Hide them in the night time,
when I can't sleep. I can't think about it now. I can't think about
him now. The elevator doors open, and I walk out into another day of
pretending every thing is all right.
********************
Zarah sat in a heap on the floor, her face hidden by her hands.
Shallsee opened the intercom between the control room and the sim
room.
"Did you find what you want?"
"Not yet," Zarah said as she uncurled and sat up straight. "I
have to do this again."
"Do what again?" Shallsee asked as she reset the conditions. "The
sim?"
"Not exactly. Same setting, but from a different point of view.
From the other person. Jacob." Zarah looked through the glass panel.
Shallsee stared back, not saying anything. "I have to know what he was
thinking. See if it was any different from Catherine. See if he felt
the same way. To see if he knew."
"Knew what?"
"About Catherine's plans. To see if that is what almost got him
killed."
