December 27
"Loki?" Zarah knocked again on the locked door. "Are you here?"
No answer. With a shrug, she turned and sat on the stoop. It was
a cool day, but Zarah had borrowed a jacket from Cat before she left
the Centre. On Cat, the coat would have reached her knees. On Zarah,
it was barely long enough to sit on.
Zarah watched the squirrels chattering and playing in the melting
snow. Since she had never seen squirrels before, Zarah lost all track
of time while she waited. With the sun shinning down, she wasn't even
cold.
Soon enough, a car pulled into the driveway. Loki stepped out of
the driver's side, pulled a few bags out from behind the seat, and
slammed the door. He turned, saw Zarah and dropped his bag. "Jesus!
How... What are you .... How did you get here?" he exclaimed.
Zarah smiled at him. "Loneagent drove me to town, then I caught a
taxi here." She stood, suddenly uncertain of herself.
Loki just stared at her. Why had she come back? She had left only
a few days ago. Now she was back? The lovers stared at each other.
Neither one spoke.
At last, Zarah took a step towards Loki. "I... Hi."
He laughed. "Hi!" He opened his arms and held them out to her.
She looked relieved and moved to hug him. Her arms closed around his
back and held him tight. The feel of his body against hers warmed her
inside. Eyes closed, she tried to memorize the feel of his breathing
rhythm, his heartbeat against her breasts, his warm lips tickling her
ear, his hands stroking her back. The fresh air lightly touched their
cheeks. She never wanted to move again. The safety in his arms
comforted her like nothing she could remember.
Finally, Loki pulled out of her embrace. Smiling at Zarah, he
picked up his dropped bags and opened the front door. She followed him
in. While he was putting his belongings in the kitchen, she placed her
suitcase by the foot of the stairs. Loki returned and, holding hands,
they walked into the front room.
He spoke first. "I'm glad you're here, but I don't know why you
came back."
"I needed to see you. I need you." Zarah spoke softly, not able
to look him in the eye. "When I returned with Alia, I found I was
thinking about you. I was obsessing. I couldn't stop." She looked up
into his face. His violet eyes were sparkling. "You've totally
disrupted my concentration."
He grinned. He touched her face with his fingertips. How could he
have ever wondered about her? She was so beautiful. He traced her
cheekbones, her lips. Running his hand into her long fine hair, he
held her head and moved to kiss her.
The moment his lips touched her, Zarah lost any semblance of
restraint. Her arms tightened around him, her body curved to his. Her
mouth opened to his tongue, sweeping in to taste, touch. All that she
wanted was to be near him, close to him. She moaned through the kiss,
eager for more. The softness of his tongue made her knees weak.
Suddenly, he jerked away from her. Wide-eyed and gasping for
breath, she looked at him, shocked. "What?" she asked, confused at his
action. He was standing still, also trying to get his breath, watching
her.
"Why are you here?" he asked again, more insistent. Bewildered,
she tried to get her bearings.
"I told you, I needed to see you. I could get away for a few
days, so I decided to come and see you. I thought you would want to
see me. You said, before I left, that I could come back anytime. I
thought you meant it," replied Zarah, becoming defensive. If she had
misunderstood....
Loki sighed. "Of course I meant it. I just didn't think I'd ever
see you again. Not this soon, at least," he told her. Her posture was
defensive, but at his words, Zarah started to relax. She stepped
closer to him, holding out her hand. She was offering herself to him.
He bridged the gap, and took her hand.
"Come on, hurry!" Loki laughed, pulling her towards his bedroom.
"There's no rush. I'm here for a while," Zarah replied, in no
way resisting. Once inside, the two stopped and looked at each other.
"Now what?" asked Zarah.
Loki turned to her, and smiled widely. "Last time, I didn't get
to undress you. Now, it's bright out and I get to see all of you."
Zarah turned, loosing her smile. "Let's just..." and she motioned
towards the bed. She started to move, but Loki caught her hand.
"What?" he asked, but she just shook her head. She wouldn't meet
his gaze. Slowly, he reached for her chin and raised her head to look
into her eyes. Was it him, or did she not want him to see her?
"Zarah, please let me do this. I need to see how beautiful you are."
She jerked her head away from his hand. "I'm not beautiful," she
whispered.
Loki was amazed. How could she think that? "Zarah, come with me,"
as he pulled her out of his room and went down the hall into the room
Alia had occupied a few nights before. In the room stood a double bed,
a large window, a bureau, and a full length mirror. Loki moved in
front of the mirror and stood behind Zarah. "Look at that. It's you
and me. You are beautiful."
She tried to move away from the mirror. "No, you're beautiful.
You only see that. Not me."
"If I am beautiful, it is you that makes me beautiful," he
replied, not letting her leave. "Look at yourself." He touched her
face, moved his hand down her front to rest on her stomach. "Let me
show you how beautiful you are."
He woke slowly. His eyes closed, he could feel her breath on his
chest, her head cushioned on his shoulder. Their fingers were
entwined, their legs tangled. The steady pattern of her breathing
comforted Loki. He lay still, running the events of the past few hours
over in his mind. After the brief respite Zarah had given him, she had
asked him to show her exactly how to enjoy his body. He had laughed at
her words, but agreed. Three hours later, he finally collapsed. She
laughingly had told him that she wasn't done. But she was just as
ready to curl up and sleep.
He opened his eyes and looked at his lover. Her face was relaxed,
her lips parted slightly. He brushed the stray strands of blonde hair
off of her face. At his touch, Zarah stirred in her sleep. She
muttered something. Loki scarcely breathed as she spoke in her sleep.
"No.... don't be sad. You love him, he's yours..... I love him
too.... Not just a dream. Don't leave me... Comfort me..." Her voice
never raised above a whisper, but every word seared into Loki's soul.
Somehow he KNEW of whom she was talking. He had smuggled Cat's
copy of Zarah's DreamScape transcript a while ago. Every word had
fascinated him. The desperation, the entwining of two souls, the
loneliness, the healing. He knew who the man she saw was, even if to
her, he remained in shadow. It was the man she spoke to now, in her
dream.
The little nagging voice in his head grew louder. The one that
had been demanding attention for days, ever since Zarah had first
kissed him. The "what if" suddenly became more important.
The first time she kissed him, she had looked so surprised,
like... like she had done something she hadn't wanted to do. Then, on
the couch, she was so angry before she started to touch him. But was
she angry at him? Or angry at what she was doing? But the way she had
moved against him, that first time... she told him it was her first
time, that's what she SAID, but no one ever just KNEW how to move like
that. She had matched him, move for move, thrust for thrust. But why
would she lie? Why would she tell him that he was her first unless....
unless it was what she had been TOLD to tell him.
She said that she needed to come back. Was it so? She said she
could get away for a few days. how did she do that? How had she
managed to get away from the Centre and her responsibilities for so
long? Surely someone HAD to have known where she was going. Cat knew,
but who else?
Loki swallowed hard. He didn't want to believe what he was
thinking, but how else could he explain it? It all FIT. Why else would
this woman, this GIRL, have seduced him on his own couch? She didn't
know him well. If it HAD been her first time, why him? Why here? And
why return?
The day after, her confusion was so apparent. Was it confusion
alone, or was it misgivings? Had she regretted what she had done? She
had acted like it, for a while anyway.
And now.... now she lay beside him. Her body felt so warm, so
soft. As he watched her sleep, he could hardly imagine she could do
anything like this to him. Loki pushed the idea to the back of his
mind as the sleeper awoke.
"Mmmm, James?" Zarah said sleepily. Loki ran his hand over her
head.
"Shhh, I'm here. Go back to sleep," he replied. Zarah raised her
head and opened her eyes to look at him. She smiled and rested her
chin on his chest.
"I don't want to sleep. You're far more fun when I'm awake." Loki
fought a hard battle within himself, to resist, but lost. He lowered
his hands to her waist and pulled her up to face him. Her hair fell
like a curtain over their faces as their lips met again, for the first
time.
The only thought in Zarah's mind as she held her lover, was that
for this time, she wasn't alone. She was with someone who cared about
her. Someone who would never hurt her. This feeling, was it love? It
carried her through the nights, gave her hope that the happiness might
just be hers. For a little while, at least.
December 28
"I've never seen you eat so much," Loki said that night at
dinner. Zarah finished her plate and had gone for seconds. She
laughed.
"Well? We've been busy. And not just in bed," she added as Loki
grinned at her. They had been out for most of the day. Loki had taken
Zarah shopping. It had been her first taste of a mall, a grocery
store, and of the Sunday afternoon crowds. She had been enchanted. In
the grocery, they had roamed every isle. She had been overwhelmed. She
was like a child in a candy store. Loki loved to watch her. Her face
was so open, so happy. But every so often, that nagging voice in his
head had popped up. Was she such a good pretender? Was she playing a
role for him? Who was she, really? The more he thought about it, the
more confused he became.
"You're awful quiet all of a sudden," Zarah said, breaking into
his train of thought. He shook his head.
"Sorry, dear. I was just thinking." He sloughed off the answer,
trying to hide his discomfort. She examined him closely.
"About what? Care to share?" she asked. Loki shook his head
again. She shrugged. "Ok, then. What are we going to do tomorrow? Any
plans?"
"Nope. You?"
"Well, is there a bookstore around here? I didn't get to do much
reading in the Centre. Except, once Dreamwind got me a book on
mythology. I loved it," she said, smiling at the memory.
Loki felt a flash of hot anger run through his chest. When she
mentioned Dreamwind, she had looked so.... animated. He put his fork
down. His appetite was gone. Why had she mentioned him now? Why was
she always talking of him?
Zarah hadn't even noticed. She was still eating and talking. "I
know that there are SO many books I haven't read. Kind of like this
trip to see you. So much stuff I never knew I was missing. Today, at
the mall, so many things to buy. Remember that clothing store we
stopped in? Those dresses.... I think I could have got every one of
them, but you were right, the purple one looks best on me. I love how
it hangs off my hips. And the dark blue one was such a nice fabric. I
loved how it felt. Didn't you?" Zarah didn't pause for him to answer.
"That lady was acting weird, though. She kept saying that everything
looked great on me, even if it didn't. I guess that's what they tell
her to tell people. But I liked the salesman at the other store, the
Body Shop? And all those things... I spent over fifty dollars, didn't
I? I loved those colors they had for the cosmetics. And that perfume,
the one you liked, what was it?" Zarah stopped, waiting for Loki to
answer. When he remained silent, she put her fork down. "Loki? Is
something wrong?"
He shook his head. Zarah simply looked at him, a concerned look
on her face. She reached her hand across the table and grasped his,
but he pulled his hand away and stood. He left the kitchen in a
clatter and walked upstairs and slammed the bedroom door.
What had she said? Zarah was totally confused. She had just been
talking over her day. He had enjoyed the day, or so she thought. She
wanted to follow him, but she wasn't sure what she did wrong.
Appetite gone, Zarah rose from the table and entered the front
room. She walked to the stereo and hit a button. One of the CD's Loki
had started to play.
Look I'm standing naked before you
don't you want more than my sex
I can scream as loud as your last one
but I can't claim innocence.
oh, god, could it be the weather, oh god, why am I here, if love
isn't forever and it's not the weather
hand me my leather
I could just pretend that you love me
the night would lose all sense of fear
but why do I need you to love me
when you can't hold what I hold dear
oh, god, could it be the weather, oh god, why am I here, if love
isn't forever and it's not the weather
hand me my leather
I almost ran over an angel
he had a nice big fat cigar
in a sense, he said, you're alone here
so if you jump, you best far.
She jumped. Loki had hit the stop button. Silence filled the
room.
He spoke first. "Who sent you here?"
She was confused. He knew that. "I told you, I came here myself,
because I wanted to see you."
He thought, no, that was NOT the reason. Swallowing hard, he
asked her again, not able to keep the anger out of his voice. "I asked
you, who sent you?"
She was quiet. She could feel panic building in her chest. Why
wouldn't he believe her? She had told him. He was looking so mad. Why
was he so mad? What had she done to make him so mad?
The longer she was silent, the more convinced he became. The
nagging voice became louder, saying more, much more. Why had she
mentioned HIM again, after last night's dream? And he couldn't shake
the feeling that she was acting a role for him, the innocent lover. He
stepped closer to her.
As he walked closer to her, the panic was becoming almost
overwhelming. She stepped back from him, trying to stay away from him.
He looked so mad, and she didn't know what to say to him to calm him
down. She backed into a wall.
He stopped right in front of her. Drawing his finger up and down
the side of her face. Her eyes were wide open, her body trembling. He
didn't know what she was feeling, but he KNEW he was right, that
something was amiss here. He cupped her face in his hands. Very, very
gently, he asked, "Why don't you just tell me?"
She slammed the panic out of her voice and answered him, "I told
you before, I wanted to come and see you. So I came to see you. No one
told me to come." His eyes became hard, his jaw set. Suddenly, the
panic was replaced by anger. She decided, if he wanted to KNOW, he
would know. "You know WHY I came back? I needed what you were giving
me. I needed you to make love to me, I needed you to hold me and kiss
me and listen to me. I need someone who wanted me for me, not what I
did for people. You gave me that, James." Loki withdrew his hands from
her face. "I came to you because I am sick of doing what THEY want me
to. And you were so nice to me, so kind. You touched me like no one
ever has. You made me want to be with someone. Only you, nothing
else."
Loki stepped away from her. Walked to the other side of the room.
Like a flash of insight, it hit Zarah.
"You thought... that I was sent by the Centre? That they sent me
here. ... You bastard!" Fury gripped Zarah. "You thought I'd lay down
for you because they told me to? That I'd do anything like this for
them? After what they did to me?"
She couldn't talk anymore. Loki didn't say a thing. He couldn't
even look at her. Zarah stumbled from the room. Loki heard her going
up the stairs, and a door slam. Quiet.
As the door slammed, Zarah fell to the floor. She rolled onto her
side and pulled her legs up to her chest. Her chest hurt, her head
hurt, her throat hurt. She was angry, sad, confused, guilty, panicked.
Angry that the bastard thought that she would work for the Centre like
that, sad that he would think so little of her, confused as to WHY he
would ever think that, guilty that she even cared about him, panicked
that he really DID mean it. She had been so happy with him over the
last few days, and THIS was what he was thinking about her? That she
would EVER sell herself like this? After all that the Centre had put
her through, he thought that she would willingly give herself up for
anyone?
Inside of her head, the noise was building. Over the rush of
sound, she could hear a voice saying, 'you knew this, it's your fault,
you did this, he's right, you're worthless, you should be, you gave up
to him, you gave up to them, it's your fault, you're nothing, you did
this, he's right, you're to blame, you'll never be happy, you'll
always be alone, you'll always be nothing, unimportant, useless,
worthless, nothing, unimportant, useless, worthless, nothing,
unimportant, useless, worthless, nothing, unimportant, useless,
worthless, nothing.'
She didn't realized she was crying out loud until she heard the
door open. She sat up with her back to the door. She swallowed her
tears and tried to control her breathing. Loki's footsteps echoed on
the floor.
A hand touched her back. She flinched. Loki knelt beside Zarah,
his hand resting on her shoulder. She felt so cold and frail. She was
shivering and her body was still wracked by quiet sobs. She wouldn't
look at him.
"Zarah?" he asked tentatively. Zarah didn't move. His voice, soft
like this, sounded like when he spoke to her when he held her after
they made love. A jumble of images and sounds ran through her mind.
She couldn't stop her body from shaking. She needed him to hold her
and make it go away, but she couldn't say anything, not after finding
out what he thought of her. She didn't know what to do, or how to make
it better.
He hadn't expected this reaction from her at all. Some denial,
some story, but not this. Cat had told him how bad Zarah reacted at
times. But he hadn't KNOWN. The look on her face when she figured out
what he thought, it was like someone had ripped her heart out. Some
gut feeling told him he had been wrong about her, that she really had
come to see him for no other reason than to be with him. But the voice
in his head still spoke, saying that she was going to betray him. He
decided to risk it. No matter what she did, he cared to much to let
her suffer like this. He had to help.
He ran his hand down her arm. She remained still, trembling like
a trapped rabbit. She didn't know what he was doing. Did he expect her
to do it again? If he thought she had been sent to sleep with him, did
he want it again? All she knew was that she couldn't stand him on her
now. She didn't move.
He could feel how scared she was. He took his hand off her. She
visibly relaxed. "Zarah?" he asked again, softer. She turned her head
slightly.
"What do you want?" She sounded sad, defeated. It almost broke
his heart to hear this vibrant girl sound so morose, so weak.
"I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I shouldn't have said the
things I did." Loki's voice faltered as Zarah turned her head to stare
at him.
"But you thought it, didn't you? It wasn't what you said that
hurt me, it was what you thought. How could you think so little of me?
How could you ever think I would hurt you?" Her eyes filled with
tears. "You bastard."
He knew he deserved that. She knew he hadn't told her everything.
She needed him to tell her everything before she could know how to
deal with Loki.
"Loki?" He looked at her expectantly. "What else was there? Why
did you think I would betray you?"
Loki looked at the floor. Could he tell her? Could he really
trust her? He decided to ignore his inhibitions and talk.
"Last night, when you were asleep, you called out for someone."
Zarah looked at him, a question in her expression. "Not a name, but I
knew who it was. And then you mentioned him again, and I didn't know
what to think. It was Dreamwind." He couldn't meet her eyes. "And... I
wasn't sure why you came back. I didn't expect it. Hell, I never
expected you to be how you were. The first time you kissed me, the
first time we made love, I... It's just that... You didn't act like it
was your first time. You moved like you had done it before. I didn't
know what to think. When you told me you were a virgin. I started
thinking that you were feeding me a line. It seemed strange, how you
would choose me, if it was your first time. You didn't know me that
well, and I'm so much older than you, it confused me. Which led me to
think, that you were playing a role, you were just pretending," he
finished, talking very quietly.
Tears were running down Zarah's cheeks. Her insides were twisted
up. She had to tell him, but how could she start? She had never said
it out loud. "James?" Loki turned his head to look at her. "I never
said I was a virgin. I just said I had never made love to anyone.
Which is true, both of them." She drew a ragged breath. "When I was
ten, I was...." She couldn't say it.
Loki felt a blinding anger for her. My God, he thought. He didn't
even realize. Her words and actions, Loki internalized them and
started to feel her pain. God, how had she ever let anyone close to
her again? She had trusted him with her body, her life, and he had
repaid her like this?
Zarah continued. "And this was the first time I ever made love to
anyone. With you. And I did know you. Cat trusts you. Alia.... you
helped Alia. You didn't have anything to gain from helping her and me.
But you did. You were so nice. And you didn't mock me when I kissed
you. When I... when WE started to make love, you were so gentle. To be
touched like that, it was the best thing I ever felt. It was as if you
wanted nothing in the whole world than to hold me. And I wanted to
share that with you. You're so smart, and so kind to me. You made me
so happy. And when I came back, after I took Alia home, that first
time I saw you, my chest felt so light, like something lifted in me. I
was happy. You made me happy. And then, just now, you looked at me
like I was evil. How could you have made me feel so bad?" Zarah asked,
needing a response. Loki was too overwhelmed to talk. Tentatively,
Zarah reached up and touched his face.
The touch was electrifying. Loki looked up and saw Zarah, REALLY
saw her. She was a survivor, but her scars were deeper than anyone
knew. She feared so much, and was hurt by so much.
He reached up and touched her face.
"Would you please let me show you how sorry I am?" Loki asked. A
touch of panic re-emerged in her eyes. "I don't mean I need to make
love to you. I would never use you like that. Just, let me hold you?
While you sleep. I just want to comfort you."
She nodded. A faint echo of happiness bubbled in her mind. Loki
helped her to her feet. His arm over her shoulder, they walked
together to Loki's bedroom.
Once inside, Zarah lay on her side on the bed, still fully
dressed. Loki sat beside her and stroked her hair. Gradually, the
panic she was feeling subsided. Loki's hand was calming on her hair.
It felt safe, non-threatening. Eventually, Loki leaned over and said
in Zarah's ear, "Would you mind if I called Cat? To come over
tomorrow? We need to talk to her, I think."
Zarah thought about it for a few seconds, then nodded mutely.
Loki reached his arm over Zarah and picked up the bed-side phone. He
dialed Cat with one hand, his other hand resting on Zarah's hip.
"Cat? I need you over here tomorrow. ..... Yes, I know it's late.
Can you? It's important..... Yeah, 8 is ok...... You ok? You sound
kinda weird..... Yeah, gottcha. Ok, thanks. Bye."
Loki slid down and curled up behind Zarah. She snuggled up to
Loki. The warmth of the body and the security of the man made Zarah
feel protected. Before she drifted off to sleep, she asked Loki,
"James? Could you... could you sing me a song?"
Loki asked her, "What kind of song?"
"This may sound silly, but could you sing me a lullaby?" Zarah
sounded reluctant, but Loki smiled.
"Sure, anything for you. Any requests?" When Zarah shook her
head, Loki started to sing softly and slightly off key,
Go to sleep, little girl,
Go to sleep, little baby,
Go to sleep, close your eyes
Let the wind carry you.
Zarah slept.
Cat sighed as she walked up the driveway to her house while the
cab drove off; it had been a long day.
Maybe I should call Loki's, make sure everything's going ok, she
thought to herself as she reviewed her earlier conversation with Alia.
Then she recalled it was almost 2 o'clock in the morning. So much for
that idea; guess I'll catch a nap fir-
Suddenly, a familiar voice cried out "NO!!!" in the distance. As
she whirled in the direction of the sound, sudden pain blossomed in
her left shoulder and she fell hard on the ice-packed sidewalk.
"Oh, great" she muttered through clenched teeth to keep from
screaming in pain; "just what I need tonight; a bloody sniper and a
psycho to deal with now." She tried to roll towards the house for more
cover. After one turn she found herself too dizzy to continue, and too
dizzy to get up.
Then the black night got even blacker.
She was only vaguely aware of being carried inside and laid on
the couch. "How bad?" she asked thickly.
"Straight thru; you're lucky."
"Yeah," she snorted; "I'm so lucky." She tried to move her
shoulder to see how bad it was. "Dammit," she exclaimed, falling back,
"I don't need this right now."
"You have pain pills here?"
"In my line of work? Of course," she said weakly. "In the
bathroom."
"I'll find some."
"No, wait," she replied, struggling to retain consciuosness,
"Take me with you; I`m gonna need to wash up anyways."
"You shouldn't be moved." Cold, hard, flat voice.
Cat managed to grin wryly up at him; "I know that, but there is
something I can do about ths, but I'd prefer to do it with a ready
supply of water." She tried to get up.
He made a disgusted sound, picked her up and carried her thru the
hall; she directed him to the downstairs guest bathroom. Once there,
he placed her in the shower and helped her remove her shirt. A sudden
splash of cold water temporarily cleared the haze of pain from Cat's
mind and she thought to ask about the shooter. "I took care of him; he
won't bother either of us again," her companion replied curtly. Cat
decided she didn't wish to dwell on his comment just then.
"So," he asked beligerantly, "now what?"
"I know a healer; she's young but-" Cat began.
"You're going to call her?"
Cat shook her head weakly. "I'm going to become her."
It hurts so bad, Cat/Tegan thought to herself. Ow owowowowo...
were's Loni? owowowowowowow....
Healing normally hurts quite a bit, but that pain is spread out
over time.....accelarated healing does not allow one to skip that
pain; instead, weeks worth of pain are felt in seconds. It is hard
enough for an adult to endure, but when one is only five, or has
become someone of that age, it can quickly overwhelm.
The wound was only half-healed when she passed out. None the
less, he had still found the process fascinating.
When he realized he would be unable to rouse her, he cleaned and
bandaged the wound, wiped away the trickle of blood from under her
nose, and settled her in her bed.
Then he left.
The phone rang not even a half hour later. She fumbled clumsily
for the reciever.
"Hello?.....Loki? It's 3:30 in the morning.....fine; how about 8?
.....good.....huh? oh; long night; look, I gotta get some sleep....uh
huh; bye." After hanging up the phone, she got up and looked around
sleepily.
Alone.
She sighed and got up to use the bathroom. After she was done she
inspected the bandage on her shoulder.
She washed her hands and face and stared into the mirror for a
few minutes. Then she returned to her bed and cried herslef back to
sleep.
Zarah slowly became aware of Loki's arm over her, his breathing
soft and regular behind her. Shifting her weight carefully, she turned
to look at him.
The bed-side table lamp had been left on. The light illuminated
Loki's features. His hair was a dark brown, almost black. It had grown
longish, brushing his ears and his shoulders. His face had a day's
growth of stubble, feeling rough under Zarah's exploring fingers. His
high cheekbones gave him a noble look. Zarah would never tire of
looking at him.
She shivered slightly from the cold. She realized she must have
awoken because of the chill in the room. Glancing around the bed, she
realized that there was no way she could cover herself and Loki
without waking him. Remembering the blanket in the other bedroom, she
gently lifted Loki's arm off of her body and slid off the bed. She
walked on tip-toe out of the room.
As soon as she was gone, Loki opened his eyes and heaved a big
sigh. He woke the minute she had. He had feigned sleep while she was
caressing his face. It had felt so good, to have her like that,
touching him so gently. When she stopped and left, he was slightly
confused. Everything inside of him was confused. One part of him
wanted nothing more than to desperately believe her. She was the best
thing to happen to him in so long. She opened herself up to him,
asking nothing in return. To see how she looked at him, gave Loki a
warm feeling deep inside his chest. He could lose himself to her.
But the other part of him was convinced that she was only acting.
That she was going to betray him. How could anyone want him? How could
anyone trust so blindly? Loki knew that he was nothing special. Why
would anyone as unique and wonderful as Zarah want to be with him?
That part of him was readying for the pain of her leaving. That was
the part that would not let him let go completely.
Loki head the soft patter of feet in the hall. He closed his eyes
and tried to calm his breathing. He could sense Zarah approaching the
bed. The brush of cloth over his feet, up to cover his shoulders.
Zarah tucked the blanket in over his shoulders. She slid under it, to
cuddle next to him. She reached and turned out the lamp. Before she
laid her head down, she lowered her lips to his ear and whispered, "I
love you, James." She kissed him lightly on the temple and lay down.
Loki's mind was racing. What had she just done? Why had she said
that? She must have thought he was sleeping, why else would she say
it? In the heartbeat it took for her to say it, his entire body
flashed cold, then hot. His breath caught in his throat. As she slid
next to him, and wrapped her arm over his body to hold him close, the
echo of the words reverberated in his mind. His arm unconsciously slid
over her shoulder and held her close. For the few minutes it took him
to fall back asleep, he didn't care what the future held. All he cared
about was that NOW, she loved him. Someone loved him. Someone
wonderful.
Loki slept, his love in his arms.
She was drowning, she couldn't breathe. IT was holding her down,
crushing her with all its weight. She tried to fight, but it was
hurting her, hurting her so badly she couldn't scream. She was growing
smaller, wasting away to nothingness. She felt her life slipping
away...
"Zarah! Zarah, wake up!" Loki shook her hard. With a gasp, she
opened her eyes and lurched upwards. Her breath heaved out in sobs,
her body wracked with shudders. She looked at him, eyes unseeing.
"No!" she screamed. "Get off me, get him off of me," she pleaded,
to someone, to anyone. Loki let her go for a second, and she jerked
away and fell off the bed. She hit the floor in a thud. Her body
curled into a ball as she continued to whimper. Hesitating only a
moment, Loki slid off the bed and gathered Zarah in his arms. She did
not fight him, but gripped his arms. She sobbed quietly as he rocked
her.
After an eternity, Zarah stopped shaking. Loki continued to hold
her. After a long while, Loki asked gently, "Zarah? Are you ok?"
She sniffled, and responded, "No."
After a few more minutes, Loki helped Zarah up onto the bed. He
helped her lie down, and covered her with the blanket. He turned the
light on and said to her, "I'll be right back, ok?" She nodded.
Loki ran downstairs and slammed open the cupboard door. He
grabbed a glass and filled it with cold tap water. He ran back
upstairs and into his bedroom. Zarah hadn't moved.
He knelt by the bed and held the glass while Zarah drank. He
placed the cup on the table by the lamp and sat down on the bed. Her
body was still slightly shaking. She stared unseeing at the wall.
Loki was overwhelmed by fear from her. But what was she afraid
of? "Zarah? Can I do anything for you?" he asked softly, almost afraid
to speak.
She looked up at him, as if seeing him for the first time. She
tried to force out a smile. "Can you keep me safe?" she whispered.
He nodded and lifted the blanket to join her. She turned and held
him tightly. He didn't know what else to do, other than help her
through the pain. He tried her help her get back to sleep, and fight
off the demons of her dreams.
December 29
Cat stood waiting in the cold after ringing Loki's doorbell. Hope
she didn't break anything, she thought to herself irreverently, like
his arm, or his head....
A very much whole, if worn out, Loki answered the door. He smiled
wanly at her. "You look beat."
"Glad I can't say the same about you cousin," she smirked as she
walked in. "Here," she whispered, pressing a prescription bottle into
his hand; "a present from the Headmaster."
Zarah was sitting on the couch. To Cat's eye, they both looked a
little wore out, but not as bad as she'd expected. "Alright," she
asked as cheerfully as she could, "who wants to go first?"
Loki nervously paced about the the room while Cat sat calmly,
watching him and listening to his explanation of what had occured.
"I really blew it this time cousin; I'm such an idiot."
"Calm down Loki; I have a feeling things aren't as bad as they
seem," Cat said soothingly.
"Ha!"
"She's still here isn't she?" Cat asked adroitly.
"Yes she is," he admitted, running his hand thru his hair,
"though I honestly have no idea why, after the way I treated her. But
I can't help thinking what I did, even though I hate myself for it."
"You've done remarkably well lately all things considered; this
is the first fit you've had since Thanksgiving, and that wasn't much
of one really."
"Yeah? Well if I'm doing so well then why do I need these again?"
he asked, angrily brandishing the bottle of pills she'd brought him.
"You've been pushing yourself again and you know it; don't think
I haven't realized that part of the reason you keep going to the
Centre is so you can back me up if I need it. And getting involved in
a relationship just adds that much more pressure really."
"I should probably just tell her to go for her own good; I mean,
ever since she said she loved me I-"
Cat's head snapped up in shock. "She what?"
"She thought I was asleep. I - I didn't want to scare her again,
so I played possum."
"Hmm, probably a good move; but sending her away is the worst
thing you can do for either of you right now."
"I just don't want to hurt her, but I'm afraid to trust her."
"I know, but you can trust her in this, and you know it."
"Yes; now if I can just stop that nagging little voice of mine."
"Well, the pills should help that, and I doubt you'll need them
for long; just stop pushing yourself so much," she smiled. "In the
meantime..."
"Yes?"
"Try a muzzle maybe?" she grinned; "a bit kinky I know, but it
might work."
Loki howled with laughter.
Once he was finally able to stop laughing, Loki stood and walked
into the kitchen. Zarah looked up. She smiled slightly. He gestured
towards the front room with his head. She stood and walked out of the
kitchen. Loki started to prepare breakfast.
Zarah sat on the couch and faced Cat. Cat looked slightly
uncomfortable, but otherwise fine. Zarah didn't say anything. Cat
sighed and began.
"Zarah? I've talked to Loki. Now I need you to tell me what
happened. OK?" Cat said, focusing on the young pretender. Zarah
squirmed a bit.
"Why? It's a long story. You have the time?"
"I can believe it, but I need to hear from you what happened.
I've heard from Loki. Your turn." Cat turned the conversation back on
Zarah.
Zarah sighed. She hesitated, then said, "Well, it kinda started
last night..." Her voice trailed off.
Cat prompted her, "Yes?
"Well, we had been shopping, and I got these things, these very
nice things, and we got home very late and then Loki made dinner. I
was very hungry, and ate a lot. I must have said something, because
half-way through he got upset and stormed off." Zarah's voice tapered
off.
To lighten the mood, Cat grinned. "He isn't that bad of a cook,
is he?"
Zarah looked flustered at the interruption, but then said, "No,
not bad, better than me."
Cat continued on. "Yes, Loki mentioned that incident. How did you
feel about it?"
"I didn't know what was wrong, and I started feeling bad, really
bad, and so I went to the stereo. I just needed some noise in my
head." Zarah took a deep breath. "Then he came back down and turned it
off. And he started backing me into a wall, asking me who had sent me,
he wouldn't stop asking me, and I started to feel trapped. It was then
that I figured it out, that he thought someone sent me, to...." She
broke off, too upset to continue.
Cat furrowed her brown. "You realize he was having a fit of
paranoia, right?"
"It didn't seem like that. He looked so angry, at me. And then,
he was looking at me so strange, and I got so angry at him. I mean,
HOW could he even THINK that?" Zarah voice rose in remembered anger.
"You know what paranoia is, what it can do to someone, right?"
Zarah nodded. Both women paused for a moment to collect
themselves. Zarah continued. "And then, I ran upstairs, and he
followed me. He started talking to me, he looked so different then. He
said he wanted to comfort me, and for a moment I thought he meant,
that he wanted me like that again, but he didn't and he just held me,
and then I fell asleep. I woke up later and he was sleeping. He looked
so sweet."
Cat smiled at Zarah's tender expression.
With her silly smile, Zarah said, "And he must have been cold, so
I went to get us a blanket. Then, Zarah's voice became grim, "I woke
up later, I couldn't breathe. I had the nightmare again. He helped me
get back to sleep." Zarah looked down at her hands. Her fingers were
gripped so tightly they had turned white. "But what bothers me," Zarah
spoke louder, "Is that he could think so little of me and then expect
me to make like it never happened."
Cat straightened up, trying to relieve her sore shoulder. "Well,
I know I told you before that Loki is extremely paranoid."
Again, Zarah nodded wordlessly.
"But you never realized what kind of an impact it could have on a
relationship, did you?"
Zarah whispered, "No. I never expected this to get so intense
though."
"He didn't either."
Zarah stood, agitated. "But WHY .... why did this get so intense?
What did I do? What did he do?"
Cat sighed again. "No one did anything wrong. This just
happened."
Zarah stood and walked to the large picture window. "When I first
arrived here, he made me feel so good about myself. Last night... last
night he took that away." An oppressive silence filed the room. Small
noises came from the kitchen.
Cat took time to phrase her answer carefully. "Neither you nor
Loki could help his having a fit at this time." Zarah nodded, this
time not even bothering to face Cat. The older girl continued. "He
didn't mean to hurt you like that, and he really does feel horrible
about it. If you will recall, it used to be that you couldn't help but
shut down sometimes."
Zarah turned. Her eyes were full to the brim with unshed tears.
"Then why didn't he say he was sorry? He didn't say it at all."
"He doesn't know how, not right now. His mind is at war with
itself, and it is taking all of his concentration to sort things out."
"Is there anything I can do?" Zarah asked, not able to keep the
concern out of her voice.
Cat hid a smile at the worry in the girl's voice. "Just try to
support him; if he says anything you know he doesn't mean, try not to
take it personally. It isn't really him saying it in a way, it's the
paranoia."
Zarah returned to the couch. She sat. She appeared to be
hesitating about something. "Cat? There is one more thing..........."
She flushed slightly.
Cat rolled her eyes at the girl's hesitation. She waited
patiently for Zarah to continue.
"Last night, while he was sleeping, I, ummm, I told him that I
loved him."
Cat had been waiting for this. "I know," she smiled gently.
Zarah's head shot up, confused. "Huh? How do you know about
that?"
"He heard you. It was probably one of the best things you could
have done for him now."
"He heard me? But he was sleeping then, wasn't he?" Zarah was
still bewildered.
"He woke up when you got up to get the blanket." Cat's statement
caused Zarah to blush.
"What did he say?"
Cat pondered for a minute, wondering what she could tell her of
Loki's confession. "He's still a bit confused, but he knows you
thought he was still asleep. So it was made a bit more real for him."
Zarah looked up at Cat. "I'm confused too, you know."
Cat breathed deeply. "That's perfectly normal," she said with a
wry grin. "He thinks he loves you too, but he isn't sure that's fair
to you right now, since he's so mixed up."
"How could it not be fair to me?" Zarah asked. She had felt this
entire mess had been something she did. Not what he did.
"He feels awful about putting you through all this, you know."
"He shouldn't. He really shouldn't," Zarah said again. She turned
her head and looked towards the kitchen where Loki was still banging
away. "It's just, when I told him about Peter..... he didn't make me
feel ashamed, like everyone else does. He wasn't mad at me, or make
me feel it was my fault."
Cat was disquieted by Zarah's continuing conviction about Peter.
"Zarah, listen to me. He knows that wasn't your fault. There is NO
reason YOU should feel ashamed."
Zarah wouldn't look at Cat. "I think I should know that."
"It was something done to you, NOT by you. Understand?" Cat
waited until Zarah looked at her.
Zarah almost smiled. "But, last night, he didn't force me to do
anything. Even though he wanted to, he didn't make me. And for some
reason, that made me feel safe. He was so nice..." Her voice trailed
off. Cat rolled her eyes at the girl's memory.
A clatter was heard from the kitchen. Loki appeared. He had a
silly grin on his face. "Food's on."
Zarah helped Cat up and they went to eat. Cat decided that she
could get them talking a bit later. Now, she was ravenous.
Cat was on her way out of the Exchange late that night when
Chamille accosted her. "Ah Chamille," she greeted the other woman
equably, "I was just on my way to see you."
"I'm getting tired of your games. Where is she?!" Chamille
hissed.
"As I told you before, that is none of your business."
"Who are you to decide what is and what is not Tower business?"
Cat smirked. "Let me put it this way then," she said, handing
Chamille a large brown envelope, "you let up on Zarah and the Tower
need never know about your meetings with Lyle."
Chamille took the envelope and opened it. She stared at the photos
inside. Then she looked up and glared at Cat icily; "How you got these
I do not know, nor do I care at the moment. THAT leak will soon be
plugged. Your idle threats are useless to me, Cat. I suggest that you
give me answers. There are ways of getting that information out of
you. Even YOU are not above some things my dear".
Cat smiled and turned to leave. Suddenly infuriated at the girl's
insolance, Chamille grabbed the younger girl's left arm and pulled her
roughly back. "Get back here; I'm not thru with you yet."
Cat hissed in pain as Chamille wrenched her wounded shoulder.
"Release my arm," she said thru clenched teeth, trying to disguise her
pain as anger. "What is it," she asked tersely once Chamille had
complied.
Chamille handed her a picture. "This man was a sweeper; he was
found dead this morning; his neck had been snapped."
"What does this have to do with me?"
"He was found in the woods out by your house." At Cat's startled
look, she asked, "Do you know what he was doing there?"
"Should I? I never met the man."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes." A strange look came over Cat's face. "But I think I
remember him...."
"How-" Chamille started to ask, infuriated by the girl's double-
talk.
Cat held up he hand to forestall further argument. "Not my
memory; he worked for Raines at one point."
"And?"
Cat gave her a blank look. "And under Raines's orders he would
brutalize Kyle," she replied in a voice a cold and steely as any Zarah
had ever used. Chamille's face grew red when she realized the
implications.
Dreamwind had been watching Cat and Chamille's little exchange
from the shadows, somewhat amused until he noticed the blood seeping
thru the back of Cat's shirt at her left shoulder.
"There you are mine dear," he exclaimed, striding up to the two
women, startling them both. "Pardon me Chamille," he continued,
smiling winningly at her, "but Cat dost have a prior engagement." He
turned to Cat, who regarded him warily. "Ah, I see thou hast forgotten
thy coat; I shall lend thee mine," he said, draping it about her.
"There seem to still be some glitches with the heating system in mine
area."
"What are you doing," Cat hissed in his ear as he settled the
coat better on her shoulders.
"Do not argue," he whispered back, giving a slight squeeze to her
left shoulder to impress his point. He turned back to Chamille. "If
thou wilt excuse us mine dear, we must needs be off."
Chamille watched in bemused silence as the two left. Huh, she
thought to herself, wonder what that was about? That girl does seem to
inspire unsusual champions sometimes. Guess that's why she's an i.s.,
she considered ruefully.
Both remained silent as Dreamwind led her to his labs. Cat
wondered what had gotten into him; it wasn't often that he manhandled
anyone, let alone her. True, they'd been rivals once, and still were
in a way, but it had always been a battle of wits. She decided it
would be best to bide her time.
He was wondering what kind of mess she'd gotten herself into this
time; but he had to admit to himself, the girl had plenty of spunk,
even if she did seem to have taken leave of her senses, challenging a
member of the Tower like that. Of course, she did seem able to get
away with such things a lot.
When they arrived at his labs he closed the door behind them. He
pushed her in the direction of one of the tables as he headed for his
first aid kit. "Remove thine shirt," he said abruptly, in a tone that
brooked no argument.
She argued anyways. "Excuse me?" She cocked an eyebrow at him
sardonicly as she leaned back against the table, hands on her hips.
"Thou art bleeding; if thou truly wishes to keep thy wound a
secret, then thou must change the bandage."
"Oh," she said, somewhat surprised; "I hadn't noticed; thank
you." She eased her shirt off.
"How did it happen?"
"I really shouldn't tell you."
He walked over and stood in front of her; he leaned in so they
were face to face, his hands on the table to either side. "I think
thou shouldst," he insisted.
She sat there silently for a moment, then gave him the strangest
look and said, "You know, if someone were to walk in right now, we'd
have some very interesting explaining to do..."
He stared at her for a second, not comprehending; then he looked
down, straight at her rather ample chest, and blushed furiously. She
started to laugh as he turned away.
"Oh, I'm sorry," she laughed as he glared at her, "I know I
shouldn't laugh, but the look on your face....." Her expression
changed abruptly. "Oh, ow, ow, I really shouldn't laugh; that
hurts..." she gasped, trying to control herslef.
His equlibrium restored, Dreamwind smirked at her. "Ha!" he
retorted, "That should teach thee to laugh at thine betters!" He then
turned to the task of removing the old bandage, commenting that it had
been well applied. "Might I inquire as to who set it?"
"A cousin," was Cat's only reply.
He snorted at her evasion; he'd expected as much though. Then he
gasped as he recognized the nature of the wound. "When didst this
occur again?" he asked, since it looked to be several days healed.
"Would you believe last night? Somebody tried to snipe me."
"But how-"
"I know a healer; I became her, since I didn't exactly have time
to track her down; and unfortunately, five-year-olds are not known for
their high pain threshholds," she said self-deprectiatingly. "And it
will be a while before I'll have the energy to try again."
"Hmmm, nice to know thou still hast some sense in thy head."
"Gee, thanks."
"Really mine dear, blackmailing a member of the Tower."
"That wasn't from me, and Chamille knows it."
"Not from you?" he asked incredulously.
"My boss."
Dreamwind made a noncomittal response, knowing he'd get no
further explanation from her. Turning his attention back to the task
at hand he asked, "Tell me, dost this have anything to do with that
sweeper Chamille didst mention?"
"Most likely," Cat admitted candidly, "but I never saw the
sniper."
"So thee wasn't the one who-"
"No."
Dreamwind finished setting the new bandage and paused before
continuing. "Hast thou any idea who might have sent the man?"
Cat sighed. "This is the Centre. Thanks for your help Windy," she
added sincerely, putting her shirt back on; "I owe you one."
"Still having nightmares?" he asked pointedly.
Cat groaned. "Not that again."
Dreamwind just smiled at her expectantly.
Looking down at the floor, she said in a small voice, "You don't
want to see my dreams."
"Let me be the judge of that," he replied quietly; "you aren't
the only one with bad dreams you know."
She looked up and straight in to his eyes. "Yes, I know. More
quid pro quo, eh?" Dreamwind started at her choice of words. "Oh, I'm
sorry," she said contritely, "I didn't mean to do that; I can't help
it; things just keep getting so mixed up inside sometimes ever since
the links, and-"
"Tis all right mine dear," he assured her; "I have read thy
reports on the incidents." He smiled at her suddenly, "Now, back to
the matter at hand..."
Cat groaned again; "Alright alright, I'll do it," she relented.
He looked at her, shocked; he had honestly not expected her to
agree to the procedure. "Really?"
She favored him with a weak smile, "Yes, really; after all, it's
only fair. So," she said with a little more energy, "when do we
start?"
"Not now; thou art too exhausted, although I would like to do
some preliminary observations while thou sleeps tonight. What art thou
laughing at?" he asked suddenly.
"Nothing," she chuckled, it's just that you reminded me of Loki
just then." She struggled to regain her composure. "Ok; tomorrow night
then?"
"Yes, that wouldst be most excellent."
"Ok, so show me where I bunk tonight."
After she had fallen asleep, Dreamwind deftly wrapped the blood
pressure cuff around her upper arm. Cat hardly stirred. He had not
administered her the Melatonin dose this eve, and suspected, based on
the depth of her sleep, that he would not have to. She was out cold.
Her blood pressure remained steady, though her sleep did not.
From his seat in front of DreamMachine 2, he watched her, this Centre
enigma. Cat was mostly a mystery, capable of things that Dreamwind
could never imagine. These "links" of which he had heard, he was sure,
had taken their toll on her. It was obvious: the thrashing of her
body on the padded table, the REMS that never subsided, the terror
embedded in her eyes as she'd start from the mares. She'd mask that
look as quickly as it was seen, but Dreamwind noticed the slightest
details; it was his duty. Not to the Centre, not to his Machines, not
to his degree, or even himself. It was his duty to whomever lay on his
table. His patient.
He jotted notes for the first three hours of Cat's sleep. The
patterns of her REM's, the frequencies of her thrashings... Twice he
rewound and replayed mutterings she had made by way of his SOUNDCHECK
equipment. Enhanced, he could vaguely make out the word: HELP. The
rest was unintelligible. That was common, Dreamwind knew, but it was
never less than frustrating as hell. He noted with some curiosity the
way her pulse and blood pressure remained calm and low, no matter how
bad her fits became, nor how severe the dreams appeared. He figured
this was her way of controlling the nightmares, the calm steady depth
of her breathing never changed, though it did occasionally hitch as if
something was squeezing her lungs. He supposed that may very well be
the case.
He admired her strength of will; it was a rarity to have a
subject with this much external control. It was the inner control he
hoped to teach her. He spent the next hour jotting down his plans for
the following evening. Though he doubted she would need it, he planned
to give her the Melatonin; it was sure to allow the oneirology to go
more smoothly. Though he was sure she would argue with him,
enhancement of the mares for purpose of recording them would be his
reasoning.
He lay down his pad on the desk next to DM2, glanced at the far
left corner of the room, made a quick mental note, covered Cat to her
shoulders with a heavy banket, and curled up himself on the "bed"
before DreamMachine1. Sleep found him quickly, then he quickly found
Cat in her nightmare, vanquished it for her, and allowed her half a
nights easy rest.
Dreamwind's rest was far from easy.
December 30
Cat's day passed quickly and was, mercifully, fairly uneventful.
She decided to spend a few hours at the Exchange before her session
with Dreamwind, in order to both be available to Alia should the girl
seek her out again and to take some time to finish up some paperwork
she'd fallen behind on.
As the time drew near, she wondered, not for the first time, why
she had agreed to go thru with the dreamscape; but fair was fair she
reminded herself. She wondered if they would actually be able to learn
anything from the exercise. Ah well, she had promised to do it, not
that it would be successful or productive....
It was nearly 4 a.m. before she was able to break away from the
Exchange; when she got to the lab she found Dreamwind asleep in his
control chair. Seems a shame to wake him, she thought to herself, but
he'll kill me if i don't, so... She shook him gently. "Hey Windy, wake
up or I'm outta here...." she grinned.
He woke instantly and smiled at her taunt. "Art thou ready to
begin?"
"Whenever you are."
He held the glass of water and two small pills out to her, giving
her a stern look despite her skeptical one. She ignored his gaze.
"No drugs." It was not a question. He rolled his eyes at her, a
small half smile spreading across his features.
"Tis not drugs, mine dear. Tis Melatonin, a chemical which thine
brain dost produce on its own. The extra dose shalt enhance thine
dreams, and make it easier for DreamMachine to record the images. Dost
thou not trust me?" He feigned a hurt look. It was Cat's turn to roll
her eyes. She held out her hand.
"Fine. I can't imagine these dreams being anything less than
vivid, but if you insist. It's your game after all." He grinned at her
widely, placing the two pills in her hand. He waited for her to put
them on her tongue, and handed her the glass. Dreamwind masked his
worry. He had seen plenty of her nightmare the night before, and knew
how fragmented and disjointed it was. Somehow, though the dream was
not his own, he could sense the terror in it all the same.
"Thank you, Cat. I wouldst ask thee a few questions as I prepare,
twill be perhaps twenty minutes before the pills take hold." She
nodded. Dreamwind nodded, motioning for her to lie down on DM1's bed.
She did so, and he went to work, attaching electrodes, and the
pressure cuff and monitors as they spoke. "What color dost thou see
when I speak the word calm?"
"Blue." she spoke after a short pause.
"What shade, mine dear?"
"Light, greyish..."
"How about the word "control"?" He was smiling at her, noticing
the way her eyes were slow to open after each blink. It never ceased
to amaze him how quickly the Melatonin took hold.
"Pale white." Dreamwind nodded at her curtly.
"What animal do you see when I say 'power'?"
"Black panther." Her speech was slurring softly, just noticable
to his trained ears.
"How about an animal for "wisdom"?"
"Owl." Dreamwind chuckled quietly to himself. Cliche or not,
people tended to believe it.
"Good. Cat. Please start counting backwards from 100, if you
complete that, recite the alphabet backwards. Continue this for as
long as you can." His trained mind gave her until 78; Cat exceeded
that twice through. After a round of numbers and letters, Cat made it
to 36, and was still. She was quite strong, he noted, but he hoped
that his distraction would prohibit her from controlling her external
self before she went under. He centered her head gently on the table,
strapped her wrists and ankles, then across her forehead. He turned on
the guidelights to the helmshield, adjusted the beams to directly over
her eyes, and lowered it. The probe found its mark, and Dreamwind
looked to the screen. It was pulsing a steady grey. Cat's vitals stood
in the top right corner of the screen, easily in the norm, but he
noticed, fluctuating nominally. His trick seemed to have worked.
He sat in front of the terminal and keyed in her responses. As
each was accepted, an icon appeared at the bottom of the screen,
quickly accessible now by a click of the mouse. Two colors, and two
animals. He sat in silence, sipping on a Coke, and waited for the
change. It wasn't long in coming.
Cat's pulse rate jumped five beats per minute, her blood pressure
notched slightly higher. The screen began to change. Dreamwind cracked
his knuckles, slid the chair closer to his desk, and watched the
pulsing grey bloom into a dark crimson, streaked with black. As he
watched, the black spiraled inward slowly then back out again. He
checked her respiration count, and realized the pulsing of the black
within the blood red, matched it precisely. He was looking at Cat's
fear. It breathed with her, it was as much a part of her in sleep, as
tears were in his own. He scrolled to the side of the screen and
clicked on a save prompt. A fifth icon appeared below, capturing Cat's
color of fear. He moved the mouse over two inches and clicked on the
pale blue-grey. Slowly, the red on the screen was dissolved by this
new color. Cat's pulse dropped back to normal, her resp's eased by 3
per minute. He smiled, there was control here after all. At least
before the mare truly took hold. He reclicked the red and black box,
and allowed Cat to fall into her fear...
Dreamwind watched until the black swirls began to take form. The
images came quickly, and with little sense, it wouldn't be until
afterward, when he rewatched these with Cat, that he would be able to
make any sense of them. Mostly, he watched the red fringe deepen,
watched her vitals jump and fall as the color altered. He could hear
her tense against the leather restraints, trying to flail. He felt for
her, but he needed to get as much as he could. He turned his attention
to the images...
Jarod, looking in a mirror, at someone not himself, was it Kyle?
He thought it was, but he had not seen Kyle in some time, Dreamwind
couldn't be sure.
Three cats swirling around her legs.
Himself. Quick, but sure. This was commonplace, his patients
often saw him in their dreams, as he was the last person they saw, but
this seemed different, distant.
A terrifying moment of sight, as a Cat was struck outside the
School by a passerby.
Raines, before the tank, a younger man, but by no means less
fierce.
James, in perfect dress, looking quite sharp.
Dreamwind's eyes jumped from the images to the vitals, trying to
guage which of these snapshots belonged to Cat. It was nearly
impossible. But as the dream intensified, he noticed her pulse jump
wildly.
A conflict, two shaded figures arguing heavily. Dreamwind could
not make out the figures.
A straightjacket, Cat within. Her eyes wild with madness.
Catherine, Missy's mother, so beautiful, the spitting image of
her daughter. The face grew large on the screen, Dreamwind saw Jacob
in her eyes.
Cat again, screaming. On the bed, she was moaning loudly.
Kyle, a terrible burn on his arm. (I decide who lives or dies, I
decide, I DECIDE).
Zarah, looking beautiful as always, standing atop a ledge
overlooking the sea. A similar madness written in her eyes.
Chamille.
Someone he had never seen.
Kyle.
Zarah.
Cat, holding on to Kyle and Zarah over that cliff, refusing to
let go.
Two arms, one burned, one smooth, slipping through her fingers.
Cat's pulse was well over 100. He clicked the blue box quickly,
watching the angry red start to fade, then return. The image of Kyle
and Zarah returned. Damn, he tried the white. This bought him some
time. He scrolled back through the images, found Loki, and clicked
him, forming another box. He clicked the owl first, in each of her
next images, an owl could be seen hovering, eyes wide. The screen
showed Cat's pulse drop, by ten a minute. The wisdom of the owl made
her realize this was only a dream. Even so, the red returned in force,
and again the image of Cat straining against the full weights of her
friends against her arms. This time Dreamwind clicked Loki. The image
appeared briefly on the screen. Then, he appeared in her image,
gripping Zarah's arm and pulling her back up, while Cat still strained
against Kyle's weight. Both James and Zarah helped Cat pull him up.
The red around the screen faded, and began to swirl with a liquid
blue. Her vitals returned to normal even as the helmshield emitted a
few sparks and pops. He stared in shock; noone except himself had ever
before overloaded a DreamMachine.....
In his chair Dreamwind wiped sweat from his forehead, and watched
the images fade. Cat's biggest fear, as he now knew, was to fail those
she cared for. Perhaps they weren't so far different after all. He
looked at the panther icon on his screen. He had not needed it this
time, but something told him he would be using these settings in the
future. He needed to train Cat's mind to utilize these prompts as
certain images flashed, he was confident he could quell most of her
mares.
The question remained... could he quell his own?
He raised the helmshield, and undid her straps. He sat in silence
for several hours, reviewing the recordings of his own dreams, then
fell asleep with his fingers still on the keyboard.
December 31
"Zarah! You came back!" Alia shouted, running towards her sister.
Zarah grinned.
"Hi! How have you been?" Zarah greeted her. Alia was so excited,
she was bouncing up and down.
"I have been SO good! We got to go out into the garden yesterday!
It was so sunny, and fresh, and wonderful!"
"Really? That's good. Everything else proceed as always?" Zarah
asked, happy for her sister. Alia shook her head.
"Well, Chamille was checking out your whereabouts, but I didn't
say anything. Was that ok?" Alia looked anxious. Zarah felt cold
inside, but she smiled at the girl.
"Yes, thank you. But in the future, I want you to not bother to
protect me. I can take care of myself. You tell the truth, keep
yourself safe. We clear?" Zarah nudged Alia. Alia frowned.
"But I want to help you. You are important to me."
Zarah sighed. How could she explain it? How could she explain
that she was far less important that Alia? Alia had to be protected.
"Alia. dear, it is important to me that YOU be safe. Being here, you
need to look out for yourself. Promise me that. Promise me," Zarah
said forcefully. Alia nodded, looking slightly scared. Zarah relaxed
slightly. "Thank you. Now, are you going to be ok for a bit? I have to
go find Chamille."
Alia nodded again. She looked very sad. Zarah paused, and gave
Alia a big hug. Alia hugged her tightly. She loved her sister. She
just didn't know why Zarah kept pushing her away.
Zarah hugged her daughter tightly. She couldn't explain why she
was never around. How do you tell a 16 year old that she could be used
as a pawn? She wanted nothing more than to be with her daughter,
watching her grow, watching her life. The pain was so hard, so real.
But what else could she do?
The Exchange had been filled with a festive air all day, and it
intensified as the hour of midnight approached.
Cat had spent most of the day relaxing down there, going over her
seemingly endless paperwork, helping new operatives find their way
around. At one point Templer chided her good-naturedly about her and
her paperwork, and Markstaff, when asked, agreed to help her find the
necessary circuits to repair Dreamwind's machine.
Alia peeked her head in at about 10:30pm, looking for Zarah, who
walked in right behind her. The two sisters chatted for only a few
minutes before Alia was paged.
Dammit Corrine, Cat thought to herself, couldn't give her one
night off to catch up with her sister, could you? Cat and Zarah
chatted for a bit before she too had to go. "I'll give the birthday
boy a call now then; that way he should be here in time for midnight,"
Cat grinned to Zarah as the younger girl left. Zarah merely nodded and
left.
"Loki? It's Cat; look, I need you to come and see a subject for
me; her name is Paige.....what? Yes, I'm at the Centre.....Please?....
Alright, thanks Lok." Cat hung up the phone in frustration; "Sheesh,
it's like pulling teeth."
Loki arrived a half hour later and headed straight for Cat's
table. "Good evening everyone; you called, Cat?"
"C'mon in and have a seat."
He glared at her suspisciously. "I thought you said you needed a
consultation...."
Cat sighed. "It's New Year's Eve; lighten up a little bit. I
think Zarah might be in her office right now with little Paige," she
added when he glared at her again.
For the first time since entering he grinned; "Well then, I think
I shall head on up there until you are done partying...."
Cat stifled a laugh as he left; she hoped he liked the surpises
Zarah had for him for his birthday; she decided it would be best to
wait a while before heading for Zarah's office herself.
Loki crept down the darkened hallway. Reaching Zarah's door, he
paused. Did he knock? Did he walk in? His hesitance won out, and he
knocked.
"Identify yourself," a voice rang out from behind the thick door.
Loki opened his mouth to respond, but the door swung open. Zarah was
standing there, looking a bit shocked.
Loki grinned. She ushered him inside. The office looked the same.
Zarah retreated behind hr desk. She had an expectant expression.
"Cat asked me to consult on a patient. She said that Paige was up
here?" Loki inquired.
He looked so confused, Zarah thought. She hid her smile.
Obviously, Cat had neglected to mention Paige's nature. She decided to
toy with him. "Yes, Paige is here."
Loki scanned the office again. No one else was there. "Where?"
"Here."
"Where?"
"Here. I'll show you, but close your eyes."
Loki started. "No, thank you. And stop this game, lover."
Zarah felt a twinge of warmth at his statement, but remained
calm. "Fine, have it your way." She walked around to the cat basket.
Loki was watching with bewilderment.
She reached in the basket. Her hands closed around something
small. She stood up and faced Loki.
"Loki? I would like you to meet Paige," Zarah said in an
introductory tone. She displayed a tiny cream-colored kitten. The tip
of her nose and the edges of her ears were dark brown. Light blue eyes
peered out at Loki. A tiny mew escaped the pink mouth.
"This is what Cat has me doing? Consulting on a cat?"
Incredulously, Loki backed away from Zarah. Zarah rolled her eyes.
"No, you silly goof. This is your birthday present. Meet Paige.
She's just right for your temperament, I am told. Although why anyone
would sick you on this poor defenseless baby, I do not know."
Loki's eyes grew wide. He reached his hands out for the kitten.
"For... for me?" A smile spread across his face. He cupped the cat in
his hands. She sniffed his fingers, his wrists. Her tail wrapped
around his thumbs, and she stretched her head up to sniff his nose.
Zarah's heart melted. He looked so happy. She returned to the cat
basket while Loki got to know his new friend. She knelt by the hamper
and reached down to pet Spyder. The two older kittens had taken an
almost propriety interest in the white one. Amusing, seeing how the
twins were only two weeks older than Paige.
Loki walked over to Zarah. "Dear, this young one is falling
asleep."
Reaching up, Zarah took Paige and placed her in the hamper. Paige
let out a sleepy yawn and snuggled under Shadow.
Loki looked at Zarah and Zarah looked at him. She smiled and
reached over to her desk. A small white box was wrapped in a tiny
silver ribbon. She handed it to Loki.
He opened it. Under a thin layer of cotton, he discovered a round
silver medallion. It was carved in the Native American Pacific
Northwest style, a raven. He drew it carefully up by the chain. As it
left the bed of cotton, it started spinning. On the back was an
engraving, "For a trickster, Z."
"I love it. So beautiful," he said, looking past the pendant to
his companion. She blushed slightly.
"You like it? I am so very happy. I thought of you the second I
saw it."
"I didn't mean it was beautiful, even though it is. You are
beautiful." Loki slipped the chain over his head and gathered Zarah in
his arms. She rested her cheek against his. He felt her smile.
"You sweet man. How long can you stay?" she asked softly, not
wanting to hear the answer.
"I can be here for a few hours," he said. Zarah's arms tightened
around him. He smiled, knowing exactly what he wanted to accomplish
before he left. His hands drifted down Zarah's back.
She pulled away quickly. "Oh, my, mister. You need to wait for my
other present," she said playfully. As he watched, she reached up to
the top of her dress. She slowly started to undo the dress buttons.
Loki backed up and sat on the couch.
Buttons undone, she slid the dress off of her shoulders. One more
button, and the dress dropped to the floor. Loki's breathing deepened.
She looked so... how to describe her? Curves in the right places, skin
so soft, long hair clinging to her skin, and such an inviting look on
her face.
She started to approach him. He was intent on memorizing every
feature, every action.
She stood in front of him. He reached his hands up and took hers.
He drew her down onto the couch with him. Cupping her face in his
hands, he said, "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever met, you
know." She smiled at him. Leaned forward to kiss him.
They drew together, needing the closeness only they could give
each other.
"I wonder if you want any of the cat's toys, for Paige," Zarah
said distractedly, hurriedly dressing. For the past three hours, she
and Loki had not been paying much attention to the clocks. Loki
stepped to her and kissed her.
"No, I will get some tomorrow," he replied. He stroked her hair.
"And thank you for the very best birthday present ever." She raised an
eyebrow. "No, not the sex, although it was as incredible as always.
And not even Paige. I mean the friendship you have show towards me.
The trust. The closeness."
Zarah buried her face in his shoulder. "I need to say the same to
you. You have helped me so much," came the muffled reply.
They held each other tighter. Neither one wanted to voice the
good-bye. It would be for a long time now. Loki could not come back
for a while, and Zarah could not risk leaving.
A sharp rap on the door interrupted them. Zarah hurriedly
finished buttoning up her dress while Loki pulled his shirt over his
head.
"Come in!" Zarah called when both were fully dressed. Cat poked
her head in.
"Ah, I see you have met Paige. I feel she will be able to
appropriately handle your prankster ways," Cat said, discreetly
ignoring their disheveled state.
"Yes. Umm, I do have to go," Loki said in a rush. He gently
picked up Paige and tucked her into his rolled-up jacket. She barely
squeaked.
Zarah looked away. "You do. Well, good-bye."
Cat examined both quickly. They appeared defeated, yet confident.
She sighed.
"Fine. Loki, if you have any trouble with Paige, you can call me
at any time." No response. Cat left quickly, hoping they would say
something before they had to part.
Zarah had tears in her eyes and an ache in her chest. She did not
want to see him go. If he had to leave, she wanted to remember him as
he had been, close to her and so very handsome. So very wonderful.
He wanted to see her face once more before he left. But how could
he ask her that? He found it so hard to ask her anything. She was so
fiercely protective of her independence. She had to show the world
that she could do anything, be anything. So very strong. How could he
ask her to be anything less?
Shadow provided the excuse. She scampered quickly across the
floor, digging her teeth into Zarah's skirt.
"Shadow! Stop that!" Zarah and Loki spoke at the same time. They
both knelt to pry the cat from the cloth. When the cat was safely
stowed in the hamper, the two lovers could finally see, and
understand.
One last look, in silence, and Loki walked out the door, his cat
cradled in his arms. The door swung shut.
Tears rolled down her cheeks. But not tears of sadness. Not tears
of loss.
Tears of love.
Loki was slightly disturbed by Cat's silence as he drove her
home. "You ok cousin?"
"Hmm? Oh yeah, I'm just tired I guess."
"Thanks again for all your help by the way."
Cat grinned; "No problem Lok."
Cat sighed as Loki pulled out of her driveway; she really was
glad she'd been able to help her friends work thru their difficulties.
Sure, she thought sardonically; maybe now you'll be able to fix
up your own love life.
She shied from such thoughts automatically as she entered her
front door. Exhausted, her shoulder throbbing, she made her way to her
so very empty bedroom.
On her nightstand was an open bottle of champagne, two glasses,
and a single white rose. Heart in her throat, she quickly looked
about. But closer observation revealed the champagne in the glasses
was warm and flat; it had probably been sitting out for hours, and she
found no evidence that her visitor remained when she searched the
house. He was long gone.
Wearily she laid down to sleep, crying bitter tears for the
oppurtunity she'd missed to help heal him, and herself.
