December 20th "Shadow?" Zarah spun around. Where did that darn cat go? And then she noticed the open door. Everything clicked. Open door. Missing cat. Bad combination. Zarah tore out of the room. In the hall, she saw a tiny grey fur- ball at the corner. "Shadow! Get back here, you little ball of fur!" she called. The cat looked back. She had dragged a Christmas garland off something and was holding it between her pointy kitten teeth. Zarah moved towards the cat, and the cat took off around the corner. Zarah ran after her. Loki was wandering the hallway when he spotted a tiny kitten dragging a string of gold. Must be one of Catherine's little minions, he thought. The kitten screeched to a halt at his feet. He leaned over to pick her up. "Well, well, an animal after my own heart, it seems," he said to the kitten. She merowed. Zarah came running around the corner. She spotted Loki too late. They fell together, Zarah on top. A very startled Shadow let out a screech from Loki's hand. Zarah and Loki lay still for a second. Their legs were tangled, Zarah's arms on Loki's chest. Zarah raised herself on one elbow and looked down at Loki. "Loki? I didn't expect to see you here. Are you ok?" Loki laughed. "Yes, I'm fine. Nice to see you again," he said. Zarah then became very aware that she was still lying on Loki, his face not nine inches from hers. She shifted her weight off him and sat up. He did likewise, still holding a very irate Shadow. "I believe you lost this?" "Yes, that little fur-storm somehow got out of my office. She can unlock doors, I swear," Zarah reached out her hand for Shadow, but the kitten hissed and swiped at Zarah's fingers with her teeth. Zarah jerked her hand back. "Why you little..." Loki laughed at her. "You just need a gentler touch with these ones, patience and extra care is needed. See? Shh, now kitty..... go to sleep." Loki's voice calmed and soothed the cat, whose eyes drooped and whose body relaxed into sleep. Zarah's jaw dropped. "How did you do that? I have been trying to get her to sleep for days!" Zarah said, very softly. Loki carefully handed Shadow back to Zarah. He kissed Zarah's hand.as she took the kitten. She smiled at him, then looked down at Shadow. Loki smiled at the tender expression that came over her face. "Practice. Lots of practice," he replied. Zarah was still looking down at Shadow, cuddling the sleeping kitten in her arms. He slowly got to his feet. "I came here to talk to you on Alia." Zarah looked up. "I thought you might have." She untangled one arm from holding Shadow and held out her hand to Loki. He grasped it firmly and helped her rise. Face to face, they weren't all that different. Loki was a hairsbreadth taller than Zarah. Then Zarah smiled at him, and he unthinkingly smiled back, unable to refrain from showing his delight. "Walk with me, we can continue this in my office," Zarah said softly, not wanting to disturb Shadow. "Tell me, what will this process entail? I have my doubts. She's just a little girl. I don't want her hurt anymore that she has been," She continued, losing her smile. A worried expression crossed her face. They stopped walking. They were at her office. "Please, sit," Zarah asked Loki, herself moving to put the sleeping Shadow in her basket. Spyder looked up sleepily and yawned, then curled up to her sister and slept once more. Zarah moved to the couch and sat opposite from Loki. She stared at him, not moving. He began to grow uncomfortable with her gaze. He had heard tales of Zarah being able to read people's minds. Knowing she was not a telepath, he had dismissed the tales. But now, under this scrutiny, he was questioning that belief. He found himself trying to subdue the rampant thoughts that had been running around his mind ever since Zarah had fallen on top of him. At last, she spoke. "You say you may help Alia. I have some conditions." He nodded. "I must be there at ALL times, for I do not trust anyone to help her alone. She has been through enough." Loki thought to himself, Is it her or you that you do not trust to be alone? "Of course you will be there. I would insist on it. I give my word she shall not be harmed in any way. We will do whatever needs to be done to reverse this damage," Loki said in his most calming voice. "I thank you. What do you need to know about her?" Zarah said, looking away from Loki. Free from her gaze, Loki breathed easier. "It is always a good idea to meet the patient. And for you to tell me about her," Loki replied, forcing a lighter tone to his words. Zarah flipped him a stare, then stood and walked to her desk in a fluid motion. Loki watched her move. Dreamwind was right, he thought; she does move like a lioness.... Loki had examined DW's report a while ago. He had found the information to be confusing when compared with the Zarah he knew. But now, now he was beginning to understand. "Can you ask Alia to come up to my office?" Zarah spoke into the phone. She hung up after a brief pause, and sat on the edge of her desk. She smiled again at Loki, this time coldly. "You want to know about this? Fine. Raines decided to 'up' the implants whenAlia was seven. Seven years old. Just a child. And I should have been here to stop it. I should have been there," Zarah repeated to herself, softly. She hugged herself and slightly hunched her shoulders. Loki was astonished at how quickly her demeanor changed. Before, she was acting tough as nails; now, she was looking like a scared child. He knew that she was blaming herself for this, even though she had only been ten at the time. "Zarah, one cannot live in the past. One can only correct the mistakes of past in the present. We must focus on now," he said rather loudly, trying to draw her attention back to the matter at hand. Sure enough, her eyes snapped up to meet his. "Past? Past is what makes the present, dear cousin," she drawled, putting such derision on the endearment that Loki winced. She stood and walked slowly to the door. Again, Loki watched her move. Once step at a time, firm placement of the foot before the other moved. A steady rotation of the pelvic bone, in complete coordination with the muscles and tendons of the legs and back. His mind's eye flashed a sudden image of what the body itself would look like in the walking motion. He closed his eyes to attempt to banish the thought. When he opened his eyes, he was seeing double. Alia stood in the doorway next to Zarah. Her face held no secret, no deception. Only pleasure at seeing her sister. Zarah gave her a quick hug, then moved to sit back on the couch. "Oh," Alia looked startled to see Loki there. "So, Zarah? Why am I here, and why is HE here?" Alia looked suspiciously at Loki. He smiled at her, but she only looked skeptical. She crossed her arms and leaned against the doorjamb. When Alia's voice sounded, a tiny kitten head popped up out of the basket. A slow little set of paws climbed over the other sleeper and skittered across the hardwood floor. A sniffing pink nose examined every set of toes in its path. Liking Loki's feet, Spyder rubbed against his ankles and calves. Loki smiled at the shy kitten. "You sound like me when you do that, and you are far too young to resemble me in any way," Loki said, gesturing Alia to come over to the couch. She remained in the doorway. "Excuse me? I am NOT too young for anything. OK, not anything," Alia admitted, "but I can sound however I want. So what are you doing here? Bothering my sister? Irritating the cats? Admiring the view?" Alia pointed out Zarah's huge picture window. Zarah hid a smile at the exchange while she leaned over to pick up Spyder and held the kitten in her lap. "No doubt, if I were bothering your sister, I'd be admiring the view from amuch closer vantage. Nor does this little one seem irritated. To tell the truth, young cousin, I came to see you," Loki said, finally cracking a smile on Alia's face. Zarah gestured the girl over. Alia closed the door and walked over towhere her sister was. Sitting, Alia held out her fingers for Spyder to lick. "So why me? And so what if Spyder likes you? Spyder likes everyone. But did Ido something wrong?" Alia asked, growing concerned. She looked at Zarah, who shook her head. Loki frowned. It seemed that these two were closer linked than he had thought. "No, not at all. Something wrong was done to you quite a while ago. Cat believes I can help correct the matter," Loki said. Alia frowned. "What happened? Did Cat say?" she asked. Loki shook his head. "Is there anything I can do to help? You know, tell you anything?" "All Cat said was that she found some hypnotic implants while she was counseling you. She asked that I look into removing them. Indeed, your cooperation is essential," he added, trying to impress the seriousness of the situation on her without frightening her. "Yeah, I'll help you. If Zarah says it's ok," Alia said, turning her head to look at Zarah. Zarah nodded again, and reached over to take Alia's hand. "Of course, it will be ok. I will be with you all the time," and Zarah shot Loki a glare. "But I think the time and place should be up to Loki." "I think that we should all be well rested before we start. Zarah, you know the place. Tomorrow seems like a soon enough time," Loki replied. Zarah looked at her desk clock. "Alia? We will continue this tomorrow. Go have a good rest now, ok?" Zarah said calmly. Alia looked at her sister, then at Loki. She nodded and left. Zarah turned to look at Loki in the silence. "I know you want to leave this place. Do not let me stop you," she said softly, not moving much so as not to disturb the drowsy Spyder in her lap. Loki smiled sadly. He was too drained to even crack a joke. Looking away, she said, "Goodbye until tomorrow. Sleep well." "And you. Until tomorrow," Loki said, leaving the room. Once free of her office, he bolted for the stairs. Inside the room, Zarah curled up with her sleepy kitten on the couch. She stroked the kitten's fur and stared blankly into space. A curious Shadow-face appeared, sniffed Zarah's knees, and climbed up on Zarah's lap next to Spyder. Zarah held them both closely as a lonely tear rolled down her cheek. December 21st Zarah was stalking the hallway of the sub-level, searching for Alia. She had told Cat that she needed to get Alia out of the Centre to Loki's, and Cat had agreed to help. Now the only hitch was that the object of their plans was hiding. Where would she be, Zarah thought to herself. Then a light came on, literally. The light indicating security seals was blinking on the panel in front of Zarah. She grinned grimly. Of course, in times of distress, Alia usually tracked down Michael. In the sim room. When she arrived, Alia and Michael were sitting side by side. They didn't notice Zarah. Michael had his arm around Alia's shoulder. She was leaning against him and talking quietly. "What if I can't help? What if I do something wrong?" She was asking Michael. He was shushing her. "You're worrying over nothing. Zarah said it was not anything you did. It'll be ok," Michael told her. As Zarah watched unseen, he kissed Alia's forehead. She turned her face to his, and kissed him on the mouth. Before it could develop into anything, Zarah coughed discreetly. They both turned to face her. "Alia, we must go. And in a hurry," Zarah said and turned to go. She didn't need to witness their little good-bye. A few seconds later, Alia joined Zarah in the hall. She didn't say anything to her older sister. Sighing, Zarah followed Alia down towards the elevator. And to Cat's office we go, Zarah thought. Loki opened his house door for Zarah and Alia. "Well, it's not much, but it suits me fine. Come in, sit down, get comfortable. We'll begin in just a second," Loki said. Alia made a bee-line to the piano in the large front room. Zarah followed slowly, taking in the entire room. Loki bustled around, settling a few things in the kitchen. He could hear Alia playing the piano. He chuckled. The last time Cat had tried the piano, he had rigged the keys to play off tune. She had spent twenty minutes trying to figure it out before she had run screaming after Loki. The remembrance was almost as fun as the event. Zarah was getting annoyed at the time delay. What was Loki doing? This was taking too long. Alia wasn't at all annoyed. She was thoroughly enjoying the piano. Any hesitation she'd had was gone. Loki walked back into the front room. Alia spun around on the piano stool and smiled blithely at him. "So? As long as I'm going to be here, I should be doing something," Alia said glibly. Loki almost laughed. She sounded so like him. "Something? Fine, my kitchen sink is leaking a bit. Care to take a look?" Loki replied, playing into her hands. She laughed out loud. She bounced up off the stool and walked over to him. She looked at him, and stuck out her tongue. "Alia, knock it off!" Zarah said from the corner. Loki shot her an evil look. "Zarah, you can stay only if you keep quiet. Ok?" Loki sauntered over to Zarah and stared her down. She glared at him and stepped closer, closing the gap between them to less than a foot. She slowly moved her eyes down, taking in his entire body. "Alia? Can you please excuse us for a few seconds? Loki and I must discuss a few things," Zarah said, not taking her eyes off of Loki. Alia shrugged and wandered into the kitchen. "Loki, I want to make one thing clear," Zarah enunciated every word she said. "Do not in any way make me regret this. I warned you about my sister." Loki let his gaze wander too, resting on her lips. He wondered what she would do if he moved to kiss her. It might just get his point across. But before he could make any move, she moved forward a bit and put her lips on his. His eyes closed involuntarily as his arms moved around her body. She molded her body to his, ran her hands through his hair. For one brief second, Loki abandoned all rational thought and concentrated everything he was on her. Then a voice rang from another room. "Hey guys? Can I come back in now?" Alia asked. Her voice was like a bucket of cold water over the embracing couple. Zarah snatched her hands off Loki and stepped back. Her eyes were wide open. If Loki didn't know any better, he would have thought that she was more shocked by her own actions than he was. Alia sauntered back into the room. "So? Can we start now?" Loki ran his hands through his hair, trying to get his mind calmed. Zarah had retreated to the cornerof the room. "Yeah, ok. You can sit down over in that chair. Get comfortable," Loki pulled up his own chair to face Alia. She sat accordingly, pulled her feet under her, and looked at him expectantly. He sighed and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "Let us begin." Zarah was watching the session from the corner, fascinated. Loki had Alia totally relaxed. She was answering questions she would never have been able to answer normally. "Now Alia, we are going to do a few word games. I am going to say a word, and I want you to say the first name that comes to mind. Do you understand?" Loki asked in his calmest voice. Alia's eyes were closed. She smiled slightly and nodded. "Ok, I will start. With the word, 'quiet'." "Angelo" "Good, now how about loud?" "Missy." In spite of herself, Zarah smiled. So very true. Loki continued. "Soft." "Micheal." Loki raised his eyebrows and noted it on his notepad. "Mother?" "Zarah," Alia said. Zarah felt her blood run cold. Loki stared at her for a second. He mouthed the phrase, 'Do you know?' but she just shook her head at him. He continued. "Wood?" "Chief." "Watch?" "Shallsee." "Knife?" "Corrine." "Corkscrew?" "Shadow," Alia smiled to herself. She looked as though she were remembering how Zarah's cat had torn up the office her first day. Loki decided to change the rules. "Alia? Now we are going to change this a bit. I am going to say a word, and I want you to say the first word that comes to mind, any kind of word. OK?" Alia nodded. "Ok, the first word is sleep." "Dark." "Water?" "Cold." "Fire?" "Safe." "Lock?" "Bad." "Body?" "Dirty." "Blame?" "Normal." "Center?" "Outside." "Restrain?" "Hurt." "Break?" "Shatter." Loki stopped, looked at his notes and seemed to come to a decision. "Alia? You did very well. I think that we can continue this tomorrow, OK? When I say so, I want you to open your eyes and be awake. Slowly wake up." Alia opened her eyes. She blinked a few times. She smiled and looked around at Zarah. "So? Did I do fine?" Zarah forced a smile at her sister. "Yes, dear, you did wonderfully. Are you tired?" Zarah asked, her concern showing on her face. Alia yawned and stretched. "Yeah, kinda. I think I'm going to go to sleep. Is that ok?" Alia looked at Loki. He straightened up. "Yes, of course. I'll show you where you can get some sleep." Loki stood and helped Alia to her feet. Zarah stayed seated. "Good night Alia. I'll see you tomorrow. You did great today," she added. Alia smiled and followed Loki. Loki returned to the front room. Zarah hadn't moved. "Do you want to talk about it?" Loki asked. He pulled a chair next to hers and sat down. She looked at him sadly. "You know, I wish I could change the past. Just a little bit. One tiny detail. Just have had Raines die in the fire in '82. Then maybe Alia wouldn't have been put through such problems." Loki groaned and dropped his head into his hands. He didn't say anything. He heard her stand and leave the room. His head ached with the strain of the two hour session. A faint pop sounded in the kitchen. Curiously, Loki raised his head. Zarah walked back into the room with an open bottle of red wine and two coffee mugs. She sat on a couch and put the mugs on the table. She poured the mugs full and put the bottle on the table. Loki watched in fascination as Zarah downed most of her cup without pausing to breathe. She put the cup on the table, shuddered, and made a face. And refilled her glass. "I did not know you to drink. And this seems mighty excessive," Loki said. Zarah shot him an evil glare. "If I wanted you to help ME, I would ask. So do not attempt to do your psycho-babble on me now." She took another drink. Loki sighed, and joined her on the couch. He took his cup. "You can't blame yourself for what happened. You had no control," he said, pausing briefly to take a sip. When he lowered his cup, Zarah was staring at him, pure danger in her eyes. When she spoke, the room's temperature dropped ten degrees. "You think I have a 'self'?" Zarah put her cup down hard on the table, splashing wine on her hand. Loki started, shocked at the display. "You think I lost control?" She was facing him now. He moved back unconsciously, stopping where the couch arm blocked his path. "If I were to lose control, James Jacob Edwards, you can rest assured that you would be the first to know." She shifted herself closer to him, on the couch. Slowly she knelt beside him, not for an instant taking her eyes from his. She didn't know why she was doing what she was, but suddenly she knew exactly what course of attack to use on Loki. He hadn't moved from the end of the couch. Moving closer to him, she reached up and ran her hand down the side of his face. He shivered at her touch, but did not pull away. Zarah shifted over, and sat slowly on his lap. Still Loki did not move. She reached up and lightly grasped his head in her hands. He remained silent. His refusal to say anything infuriated her, and to try to force the point, she kissed him once again. The force of the kiss caused Zarah to close her eyes. Unlike the first kiss, this one was driven by anger, not intellect. His mouth opened in response to her tongue. She couldn't consciously remember being kissed like this by anyone. His hands ran up from her waist to her shoulders, then back down the insides of her arms. Feeling lightly the flesh beneath the clothes. Forgetting every reason she had for kissing Loki in the first place, Zarah felt an unfamiliar yearning deep in her chest. She didn't know what to do, or how to satisfy it. All that she did know was that it had less to do with control and more to do with passion than she wanted. Finally, Loki's hands stopped moving. Zarah felt him withdraw, and pulled back to see why. She opened her eyes and saw his violet eyes looking at her. "What are you doing?" he murmured, too close still to talk loudly. "Shh, please don't stop now," she said, and moved in to kiss him again, but he resisted. "I can't do this, not with you like this," he whispered to her. His words conflicted with the motions of his hands, still resting on her chest. Zarah felt confusion well up in her chest. "Why? Why can't you do this?" "Because you are drunk, and because Cat will kill me if I do anything to hurt you." The excuse sounded weak as soon as it left his mouth. Zarah's mouth twisted up into a smile. "I'm not drunk and Cat has no say on what we do together. I want this," she added when his resolve appeared to waver. Touching his face with her hand, she ran her thumb over his lips. He made motion to kiss her again, but said instead, "Stand up. If we are going to do this, I don't want it done here." Zarah reluctantly stood. Loki rose too, not quite letting her go. Facing each other, he pulled her into another embrace. Impatient now, Zarah pulled away from him. He held her hand, leading them to his bedroom. Once there, he closed the door, then turned and faced her. She was turned away from him, examining the room. She walked to the window and pulled up the shade. The bright quarter moon shone into the room. Walking around the bed, Zarah reached past Loki and turned out the overhead light. In shadow, Loki could barely make out her features. He felt her fingers on his lips, her hands pulling him towards the bed. She pushed him down and lay beside him. The moonlight lit the bed, and Loki could see her every feature clear as day. She dipped her head to kiss him again. Now, lying with him like this, the wanting she felt only intensified. She broke the kiss in a gasp, and rolled off of Loki. He groaned, and shifted to his side to look at her. "What?" he asked, wanting her to continue. She shook her head, and tugged on the covers of the bed. Quickly moving, Loki slid under the sheet with her. Whatever reason this was happening, he knew they had to finish it together. She didn't realize she had cried out until she was finished. As the energy of the moment left her, she went limp. Loki relaxed on top of her, lay still. Her head still was back, her eyes closed. After a few minutes of lying under his weight, feeling his heart pounding through his chest, she felt him stir. Warm lips kissed her throat. A voice rumbled low in her ear, "I have to ask, why?" Zarah sighed and turned her head to respond. "I had to. I don't know why." Her words quieted Loki for a moment, then he spoke again, "Now what?" Zarah smiled. "Tonight is the longest night of the year. We still have some time." Her hands moved on his back as she spoke, beginning anew what had just been completed. December 22nd Zarah awoke with a start. She didn't know where she was. There was light on the wall, and she felt an arm over her stomach, a body pressed to her from behind. Slowly, she turned her head. Loki was lying asleep. Remembering everything that had happened the night before, Zarah closed her eyes. She was so confused. One thought kept echoing through her mind. Why? She gently squirmed out from under Loki's arm. Taking extra care not to wake him, Zarah slipped her clothes back on. She took one last look at the sleeper before she left the room. Alia was sitting on the couch eating a sandwich. She examined Zarah with a critical eye. "You want to tell me what went on last night after I went to bed?" she asked, looking very interested. Zarah looked away. "Nothing. How did you sleep?" She stopped in front of a mirror. God, she looked like she hadn't slept at all. It wasn't a far off observation, but still... "Uh uh. I am fine, but YOU look like you've been up for 24 hours," Alia finished her sandwich and stood. Walking over to where her sister stood, she looked in the mirror. One girl looked refreshed and curious. The other looked exhausted and confused. "Spill it. Now," Alia demanded. "No. And be quiet. Loki is still asleep and I do NOT want him to wake up," Zarah snapped. She walked into the kitchen. Alia followed. "Huh? Why not? It's almost 8. How late were you two up last night? What were you doing?" Alia's questions were innocent enough, but Zarah started to remember what had happened. Every action, every word, seemed now to be a mistake. She closed her eyes and leaned against the counter. A hand touched her arm. "Alia, I told you..." Zarah turned and opened her eyes. It was Loki. Jerking away, Zarah quickly walked out of the room. Loki followed. "Zarah, wait a minute," Loki caught up with her at the foot of the stairs. She whirled on him. "What do you want?" She demanded. Loki drew a deep breath and looked at her. Her eyes were wide, a hint of tears. Her hair was a bit mussed, and her entire manner was aloof. "I want to talk to you, about what happened. Don't turn away," he added when she tried to leave. She pulled her arm out of his grasp, but she stayed. "I don't want to talk about this. Let's just get on with Alia," Zarah said. Loki shook his head. "Alia will be ok for a few more minutes. I need you to tell me if I did anything wrong." Zarah stared at him. "You? What could you have done wrong? It wasn't YOU who messed up, it was me." Loki looked at her, uncomprehending. "I shouldn't have done this. It was a mistake." Tears welled up in her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. "No, it wasn't a mistake," Loki said, stepping closer to her. She didn't move, so he put his arms around her in an embrace. She stiffened for a second, but then returned the gesture. "Listen to me, the only way it would have been a mistake was if either of us forced the other to do anything they didn't want todo. And I know I wanted what happened. What about you?" Zarah held him as tightly as he held her. "No, you didn't make me do anything wrong," she whispered. He wasn't satisfied with that answer, and waited for more. "I... I can't help but feel as though I did something wrong to you. Like I made you. I'm sorry." Her voice came out so softly that he almost couldn't hear it. "I told you, I wanted it to happen. I do mean that." Loki stroked her hair. He could feel her body trembling. After a while, she pulled away and looked at him. "If you mean that, then good." She appeared to start to say something else, but she stopped. Loki waited, but nothing more came out. "Well? Shall we start again with Alia?" Loki sighed. He wasn't going to get her talking now, he knew. He followed her back to the front room. Alia was siting on a chair, staring at Zarah. "Hey sis, you want to go shower? We'll wait for you," she said. Zarah thought for a second, then left the room. Loki watched her go, then turned. And stopped. Alia was glaring bloody murder at him. "Ok, now tell me WHAT you did to her." Loki groaned. If it wasn't one thing... "She is fine, and it is none of your concern. Have you eaten?" Trying to divert her focus, he gestured towards the kitchen, but she was having none of that. "No you don't. Someone is going to tell me why she didn't sleep at all last night. And why she looks so confused. Now," She demanded. Loki pulled a chair next to her, and said, "Fine. I'll tell you, if you promise to stop worrying about Zarah, ok?" Alia nodded. He started to explain. Zarah came back downstairs, drying her hair. The shower had warmed her up and washed away most of her confusion. Entering the room where Alia and Loki were seated, she stopped. Alia was listening with rapt attention to Loki's explanation of something. When he saw Zarah, he stopped in mid-sentence. Alia jumped up and skipped over to Zarah. "Come on, I gotta talk to you!" She pulled her sister into the kitchen. Zarah didn't understand, but then Alia attempted to explain. "Ok, so I asked him what happened and why you are acting all weird, and he said that it wasn't really any of my business or anything, but then he told me what happened." Zarah stood silently, clearly shocked. Alia saw this, and grinned. "Don't worry. It wasn't in any detail, he just said that you both were ok with it and that I shouldn't worry. Was he right?" Alia asked, growing worried at Zarah's expression. "Yeah, it's ok. So? Ready to work some more?" Zarah asked. Alia nodded. "Well,then. Let's go find Loki." Zarah smiled at Alia, and gave her a big hug. Alia grinned back, glad to see her sister was alright. "Alia? Now we are going to do some more word associations. I want you to listen to the names I give you, and I want you to say the action you would do to this person," Loki said. Alia was sub-conscious and agreeable. Loki had broken into some of the hypnotic implants and was in the process of determining how deep they were. Zarah watched from the corner again. Loki started. "Alia? First name is Parker." "Quiet her." Alia responded slowly. "Cat." "Hurt her." Zarah closed her eyes in pain. Loki drew breath and said the next name, "Raines." "Obey him." "Corrine." "Obey her." "Micheal." "Use him." "Shallsee." "Laugh at her." Loki paused, looked at Zarah, then said, "Zarah." "Eliminate." Silence filled the room. "Alia, we are done this now. I want you to forget everything that we have done, and go to sleep now, ok?" Loki said, putting his notes down. Alia nodded, and curled up and fell asleep. Loki gestured to Zarah to follow him upstairs. She did so, quietly. Once they were safely out of earshot of Alia, Loki faced Zarah and asked her, "Are you going to be ok?" "No, and you damn well know why," Zarah shot back, very frustrated. She was shaking. Loki grew concerned, but did not make any motion to help her. She had to work through this on her own. "I swear, if you hadn't worked through this, I don't know what I would do to Corrine. Can you help her? Please?" "Yes, now that I know what the implants are like, I can help. But I will need your help to get through to her." Loki held out his hand to her. She took it, and together they walked back down to help Alia. After a long and grueling day, Loki had managed to remove most of the more dangerous implants. Alia was exhausted, Loki was exhausted and Zarah was exhausted. After Alia was tucked into her bed, Loki joined Zarah at the window. "I think we did ok today. Got most of it out. She'll be ok," Loki said, laying his hands on her shoulders. She looked out the window at the rising stars. "That does not erase the main fact, that she should never have been involved in this. Corrine is going to pay for this," Zarah said in a flat tone. Loki winced. He knew the tone. She was acting emotionless, cold. This was dangerous to her. "Zarah? Why do you think that it was your fault this happened?" "Because it was. If it hadn't been for me, she never would have been born into this environment," Zarah replied. "If it were not for you, she would never have been born at all. Is that what you want?" Loki asked. He felt a shudder go through her body. "No, no, she's what keeps me going. If I ever lost her...." Zarah's voice trailed off. Loki decided it was time to ask her the question that had been gnawing at him since yesterday. "Why don't you tell her that you are her mother, not her sister?" "I'm not her mother. She doesn't have a mother," Zarah's voice was so quiet that Loki almost missed her response. He felt the pain the answer caused her. Zarah continued, "Alia is what I hold on to, why I haven't ended it yet. If I lose her, I will die." It was a flat statement. No question, no doubt. "Zarah," Loki said. She didn't move. He curled his hands around her into a hug. "Zarah, can you come with me now?" "Why? You think that a repeat of last night will get my mind off of this?" Zarah scorned, spinning on him. She pushed Loki's arms off of her, shoved him backwards. "What? Using me once wasn't enough for you? You want me under you again? A quick lay to perk up your evening?" Zarah's voice was building fury. Loki decided to let her vent her frustration. "So, my dear, sweet lad, why don't you comment on last night? Why don't you say something? Or would you rather brag about it to my sister? Want to call any one from the School to tell them? Hell, why not post a bulletin in a newspaper? You know, I told you that I didn't feel bad about what you did to me. Well, guess what? I lied. I really didn't picture it like this, you know. My first time? Not now, not here, and most certainly not with you." Her words were like a cold shaft through Loki's chest. Had he totally mis-read her? She saw his face, and paused for a second. She walked away from him, into the kitchen. Was he that wrong? He had thought, when she said last night that she wanted him, that she had picked up on what he was feeling. He couldn't help what he felt for her. And for a brief time, he was almost happy. He had tried so hard last night to make it right for her. But he hadn't thought it was her first time. She certainly hadn't acted like it. But what now? He had tried to help her while he was helping Alia. He thought that he had broken through some barrier last night. But learning her sister had been programmed to hurt or even kill her must have been to much for Zarah to deal with. He ached for her pain. He had to try to help her. Zarah was sitting on the counter in the kitchen. Loki walked in and leaned against a wall. Neither one spoke. "Would you like some water?" Loki asked finally. Zarah shook her head. "No. Go away." Loki sighed. "Zarah, let me help you." "How? Like last night?" "I did what I thought you wanted last night. If I hurt you in any way, I can never apologize enough. I didn't know it was new to you. And I wasn't 'bragging' to Alia. She wanted to know what I did to you. I told her that what we did was between us, but that I would never hurt you. And I meant every word of that." Loki spoke softly. Zarah didn't move. He continued, "I want to tell you what I thought of last night. When you first kissed me, I thought I had somehow showed my feeling for you. But after, when I got you mad and you climbed on me, I honestly didn't want to take advantage of you. Then you said that it was what you wanted. I tried my hardest to make it right for you." Tears rolled down Zarah's cheeks. She couldn't look at Loki. "I'm sorry I said those things. I was mad at myself. I didn't mean it when I said I didn't want you. I did. I'm sorry. I'll go now." She slid off the counter and started to leave the room. "What do you mean, leave?" Loki asked, stopping her. Without turning around, she said, "I'll go back to the Centre now. You can bring Alia back tomorrow." "And what makes you think I'll let you go anywhere in this condition?" Zarah turned and looked at Loki. Tears were running down her face. "I... Ineed some help. Could you help me?" It was all that she asked, but it felt as if a giant weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Loki smiled at her and nodded. "Come with me into the other room, we can sit and talk for a while. Sound ok?" Zarah smiled her acknowledgment, and together they went out. December 23rd. Alia was impatient to leave. "Can we go now? Please?" Zarah almost laughed at her eagerness. "In a minute, ok? We're almost ready." Loki had decided to take them to the boardwalk in Ocean City to help them all relax from the two intense days of sessions. A quick drive across state lines, and Alia would get her first view of real people. She was almost bouncing off the walls. "So? Ready?" Loki asked as he locked the front door. Alia laughed at him. "I am SO ready! Come on!" Alia jumped in the car. Loki tossed his notebook to Zarah to read, and climbed into the driver's seat. He reversed out of the drive and off they went. Later that day Shallsee spotted Zarah as the tall girl passed her open office door. "Zarah! Get in here!" Shallsee called, jumping up from her desk. In the hallway, Zarah stopped. She groaned at the timing of the whole thing. After a very long day, she had snuck Alia back into the Centre, and was going to rest herself. But with her luck, Shallsee wouldn't her go for at least an hour. She turned and went into the office. "What? Can't this wait until tomorrow?" Zarah asked, standing in the doorway. "No, now come in and sit down!" Shallsee demanded, an intense look on her face. Kicking the door shut, Zarah went in and sat down. "Whatever this is about, it'll have to be quick. I'm about to fall asleep," Zarah said with a yawn. Shallsee tossed a piece of paper at Zarah across the desk. Zarah looked at it, and handed it back to Shallsee. She raised an eyebrow. "You knew that your and Alia's absence would be noticed. Why did you do this?" demanded Shallsee. Her concern was drawing anger into her voice. A strange look came over Zarah's face. "I did it to help her. Remember? Whatever it takes, no matter how it hurts." The way Zarah was talking concerned Shallsee. Something else must have happened, something to Zarah. "Tell me all that happened. Everything you did, everything he did. Leave nothing out, even the tinniest detail." Zarah began to tell the tale, starting with Loki's appearance in the Tower hallway, to going to Loki's house. She told of the process of removing the hypnotic implants. And then she explained the jaunt to the boardwalk and Alia's complete and utter rapture at the experience. She stopped to allow Shallsee to digest the words. The explanation had been simple enough, but something was missing. She wondered if it had anything to do with how Loki had treated Alia. "What did Alia think of Loki?" Shallsee asked. Zarah lowered her eyes. "Alia liked him." No further comment, but her three words spoke volumes. Shallsee proceeded cautiously. "Did you like him?" Zarah lowered her head. When she did speak, her voice was so soft Shallsee could barely hear her. "He liked me." Shallsee was getting very worried. Zarah had not acted this way in a while. Her strength was wavering. Pushing her work aside, Shallsee picked up the phone and called Cat. "Can you come up here? And bring the doubles." Shallsee hung up before Cat could respond. She hoped that Zarah hadn't figured out who she was talking to. A few seconds later, the door opened and Cat walked in. She was carrying two handfuls of kitten. At the sight of Zarah, Shadow meowed and Spyder purred. Zarah's head whipped around and she smiled for the first time since entering the office. Cat knew that something was different about Zarah. She was acting differently, in fact, holding her entire body in a new way. Cat deposited the kittens in Zarah's lap, and walked over to Shallsee. "I see that you see what I see," she said, keeping her voice low. Shallsee was watching Zarah holding her pets. Spyder was clinging to her arm, purring to be stroked, and Shadow was wrestling with a mouthful of Zarah's skirt. A sad smile on her face, Zarah was petting both cats and saying how she had missed them and how she was happy to be home. "Watch her, something happened with Loki. She won't talk about it, and this worries me," Shallsee said, indicating Zarah to Cat. Cat looked at Zarah, and rolled her eyes. She knew exactly what had happened. "Did you miss me? I think I missed you alot more than you missed me. Oh, I wish you hadn't run out of the office that day. Silly Shadow," Zarah was saying, gently pulling the kitten's teeth out of her clothes. Cat walked over to the other side of Shallsee's desk and leaned on its edge. Shallsee leaned back in her chair. She decided to take a chance. "You know, you can tell me anything. We've been friends for a long time," Shallsee said. Zarah said nothing. "You don't seem like yourself. I really think something happened." "So what? It's not important. I'm not important." Zarah whispered. "Zarah, dear, look at me." Shallsee felt like she was missing the BIG thing here. Slowly, Zarah glanced up. "Do you want to tell me? Do you know how important I think you are? How important Alia thinks you are? What about Spyder? Shadow? Dreamwind? Cat? We all think you are a very important person. And what is hurting you, hurts us." Zarah started to say something, but changed her mind. She was sitting in a position she had used only once before, after one of her Catherine sims. One where..... It hit Shallsee like an ice-bath. "Zarah, did you sleep with Loki?" At Shallsee's question, Cat nodded thoughtfully. But Zarah didn't even look up. "I'm not going to talk about this. Why does everyone want to talk about this?" Zarah mumbled. Cat looked faintly surprised, but Shallsee seemed to understand. "I want to talk about it because you are acting very strangely. I want to make sure you are going to be alright." Zarah looked up. "I'm ok." "You don't sound ok," Cat interjected. "You sound like something went wrong." "Nothing went wrong. I made a mistake, that's all. I shouldn't have done what I did." Still speaking softly, Zarah looked at Shallsee, her eyes beseeching some understanding. Sad and alone, she was. Shallsee leaned forward. "Why do you think you made a mistake? You can say what you want, it will not leave this room. We are both here to support you, no matter what happened." Zarah thought about that for a minute, then started. "Alia went to bed first, she was really tired. I got some wine in Loki's kitchen. I hate wine, I don't know why I had so much. Not that much, only a cup or two. And Loki said something and I got mad at him. I think I was mad at him. That's why I kissed him again. And I couldn't stop. He didn't want me to stop. And he took me to his room and I undressed him and he... we made love." Zarah stopped, bowing her head. Shallsee was watching her. Zarah spoke again. "And the next morning, I woke up and he was still asleep and I left him there, still sleeping. I was confused. It's just.... I don't remember why I started it. But then, it was my body working on its own. I wasn't thinking about anything. It just felt so good. Him touching me like that." A blush crept across her cheeks. She almost smiled. Cat had the most interested look on her face. "I really must have a chat with him. You know, one of those conversations that can only end in a cross-bow bolt." Zarah cracked a faint smile at the joke. "So? What did he say? What did YOU say? Details, cousin, details." "He said that I didn't make a mistake, not if it was what I wanted and I wasn't hurt by it. And I wasn't. He didn't hurt me. I'm just confused." Zarah picked a whining Spyder off her lap and placed the animal on the floor. Shadow continued the battle with the skirt. Shallsee asked Zarah, "What are you confused about?" "My motivations. Why I did it. How it could be so good. How he could be so nice. And how I could say what I did to him. I think I hurt him by doing this." Zarah hesitated, and stood up, holding a squawking Shadow about the middle. "I'm not wanting to do this anymore. I want to go to sleep." Shallsee stood also, to block Zarah's exit. "Wait, sit back down. It's ok," she said, linking her arm with the girl's and leading her back to the chair. "You have to know one thing. If you didn't want to do something, you weren't bound to do it. If you were not comfortable, it was wrong." Zarah looked at Shallsee. "No, I wanted it, I did. More than I want to admit. But I think I hurt him, and it was the last thing I wanted to do. I should have said I was sorry. But I didn't and now it's too late." Cat snorted. "Loki is a very big boy. He can take care of himself. If he can take what I can dish out, you'd be a cake-walk for him." "Zarah, what did you say to him?" Shallsee asked, shooting a 'be-quiet' look at Cat. "I told him that... I asked him if all he wanted was just to 'lay me'. Just a cheap thrill. One way to kill some time. I also said that I really hadn't wanted it to be him, not for my first time. But that was a lie. I was mixed up inside so that I wanted to hurt him too. But that was bad. I was confused and I was thinking that I had done something wrong. But it's my choice, right?" Zarah looked at Shallsee, who nodded. "And I wanted to do it. So it was ok, then?" Shallsee took a deep breath. "If you wanted it, and you felt good about it, then it was right. What did Loki say when you said that to him?" "He said that he liked me, that I hadn't made him do anything wrong. That he wanted it as much as I did." Zarah said. She smiled, but tears rose to her eyes. "I screwed everything up and I can't do anything to fix it now." She buried her head in her arms and started to cry softly. Shallsee placed her hand on Zarah's back. It suddenly struck her. This girl was still so young. She was only 18. She had grown up in near-seclusion, and had been treated like an adult for so long. She was still a child. She looked at Cat. Cat was staring at Zarah, not knowing what to think. This was so unlike Loki, but she could almost understand why it had happened. Both pretenders, both isolated, both desperately alone. "What would you say to Loki if he were here now?" Cat asked Zarah. She sniffled and looked up. "I'd... I'd tell him that I was sorry. I'd thank him. Tell him I'd want him again." Zarah said softly. Cat bit her lip. Shallsee sighed. Zarah looked at them both. "I was glad. He helped me a lot. And I'd thank him a lot." She smiled at them then. The uncertainty she had been overwhelmed with was receding. Both Cat and Shallsee were being so supportive. And she hoped they were right about Loki, him being able to handle himself. Cat was struck by a certain thought. "Zarah, you said before, that everyone wanted to talk about 'it'. Who is 'everybody'?" Zarah sighed. "Yesterday morning, the morning after it happened, I was accosted by Alia. She deduced that something had happened. I wouldn't tell her, so she shooed me and made Loki tell her." "What?" Cat's jaw dropped in comic exaggeration. "That... He told your sister? What a low-life... Oh, I simply MUST have a chat with the lad. Preferably with a crowbar or two." "No, he didn't give her details. He said that it was between us, and that he would do anything to help me out, not to hurt me. He was so sweet," Zarah started to grin. Cat rolled her eyes in disgust. "He better have been." She walked over, took the younger girl's chin in her hand and looked into her eyes searchingly. Hmmm.... Midwinter's as good a night as any for a right of passage I suppose," she grinned wryly. "No doubt, had he known ahead of time, he would have prepared something for you. His not waiting shows how surprised he was, and how much he cares. If he was just friendly, he'd have been able to wait until he could prepare something." Shallsee interrupted the pair's conversation before it could go further. "Enough, enough. I think that this has gone far too long. Zarah is very tired. Some sleep is in order. Cat, out. I need to talk to Zarah a bit more." Zarah yawned. "Ok. Can you hold Spyder? Goodnight Cat." Cat was propelled out into the hall. Cat sighed and shook her head. "Loki, what on earth am I going to do with you?" she asked the empty air.