APRIL 1998:

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Along with most of you, I watched the Oscars this year. I was mildly surprised when Kim Basinger and Robin Williams won the Supporting Actress and Actor awards, and not surprised at all by TITANIC's record tying 11 statuettes. It was cool to see Jack Nicholson win for Best Actor again, and the stunned, "how the hell did we get here?" looks on Matt Damon and Ben Affleck's faces when they won the Original Screenplay Oscar made the whole thing worthwhile. All in all, I didn't have many complaints. Until after the ceremony, that is. And that's when I got pissed. Royally, righteously, supremely, steam-shooting-out-of-my-ears pissed. Not by anything that happened at the Oscars. No - see, I realized years ago that getting upset about who wins Academy Awards is about as useful as getting yourself in a lather about politics. The lesson is the same: You don't know a damned thing about what's happening behind the scenes, there's nothing you can do about it anyway, and it's really not going to have much effect on your life when all is said and done. Nope, I didn't get pissed about the Oscars... I got pissed when I logged into the Hollywood Cafe chatroom on AOL later that night.

James Cameron with his three Oscars. None of which
were deserved, of course.

Now you may argue that getting pissed about conversation in an internet chatroom is even more ridiculous than getting angry about politics or Academy Awards. And normally I'd agree with you. Being insulted by someone who doesn't know me and whom I'll never meet (and who is probably there simply because his Adult-Check membership has been suspended because he was creeping out the girls in the live video-sex chat rooms) has never been grounds for anger. Well, once. I made a joke in a chat room about a dog, and a woman began screaming at me because she'd had a puppy born without an asshole that had died. So I told her to fuck off. Hey, it was a First Amendment issue! Besides... dog born without an asshole. Now that's comedy. Anyway, I don't usually get upset about stupid remarks made in chatrooms. But I did on Oscar night. Why? Because the smug, catty, snotty, disrespectful comments being made that night symbolized one of the worst aspects of Hollywood. Namely, the 'I'm better than you' syndrome.

Jack Nicholson. Pfft. What's he ever done?

Admittedly, 'I'm better than you' syndrome is an everyday part of life in Hollywood, like breathing and blowjobs. But it reaches a malicious fever pitch in late March of every year, when Oscar night rolls around. Just as Christmas is the one day out of the year when we're supposed to count our blessings, feel universal love for all mankind and eat turkey until we puke, the Oscars provide the night when we can all vent our pettiness and jealousies, exhibit universal contempt for those more successful than we, and eat chips and dip until we puke. And speaking just for myself, I'm damned tired of it (especially the puking part). When I logged into the Cafe on Oscar night, I thought (naive waif that I am) there might be some reasonably intelligent analysis of the ceremony. After all, many of those that frequent the Cafe work in the motion picture industry in one form or another. Seems like a good place to go for a little insight, right?

Uh, wrong.

Here's the insight - and I'm paraphrasing: "Who told Jack Nicholson that he's sexy?", "James Cameron yelling 'I'm king of the world', what a jerk", and "Kim Basinger won an award for playing a slutty whore - what a stretch". (Before I go on, let me pause here to offer my opinion on cynicism. Cynicism is only tolerable as a character trait when it's accompanied by some degree of wit. My note to those in the Cafe - get funnier, and fast.) There wasn't even anything along the lines of, "I thought GOOD WILL HUNTING should have won Best Picture". Nope. It was pretty much limited to "So-and-so said something dippy in his/her acceptance speech," (let's see, biggest night of their lives, thrust in front of a gazillion people and they said something goofy - what's your excuse?) or, "So-and-so's gown looked like a potato sack," (Oscar night - when people sitting around in their underwear or dirty sweat pants mock the appearance of others). What irritated me about these statements? Simple - they lack an element that I don't think we display enough of. Respect.

Kim Basinger doesn't deserve to win an Oscar!
She's posed naked! I know! I have all the photos!

By 'respect', do I mean we've got to universally embrace these peoples' work? Of course not. Judging the quality of someone's work is a taste issue, a matter of personal opinion. By 'respect', do I mean we've got to approve of them as people? Hell no. There are people whose work I greatly admire that I'd consider taking out a restraining order against if they came within 100 yards of my house. What I'm talking about is respect for their accomplishments. These are people who have worked hard and gained success in one of the most ruthless businesses in the world. Jack Nicholson's been giving interesting - and on occasion great - performances since the early sixties. Kim Basinger's battled the assumption that she's just another blonde pin-up girl to become a talented actress - as well as overcoming that whole bullshit BOXING HELENA trial. James Cameron's been turning out imaginative, successful movies since THE TERMINATOR surprised everyone by not being just another stupid Schwarzenegger movie (remember, at the time Arnold was a former bodybuilder who'd made a few cheesy action flicks - he wasn't exactly a force in the industry yet).

Let's take a case in point from my personal files. Let's talk about Joe Eszterhas. This guy just plain rubs me the wrong way. I don't know him personally, but from every article I've read or interview I've seen, he comes off as undeservedly pompous and egotistical. As for the quality of his work, I think he's written the same movie time and again, making minor changes but retaining structural and character points. In other words, I think he's a hack. And judging from his work on SHOWGIRLS and BURN HOLLYWOOD BURN, he ain't gettin' any better with age. Do I respect him as a person? Not really. Do I respect his skills as a writer? Not hardly. Do I respect the position he's reached within the industry? Absolutely. Eszterhas has made himself a success in Hollywood by combining canny writing (I didn't say good writing, mind you) with a brilliant knack for self-promotion (Remember his battle with Mike Ovitz a few years back? Joe sure made certain you heard about it.). He's made himself a success in a brutal goddamn business, and for that I respect the shit outta him. And if I respect him, you can imagine the regard in which I hold someone like Nicholson.

Helen Hunt? She's a TV sitcom actress!
They shouldn't have even let her in the door!

Maybe I got so annoyed listening to the people in the Cafe on Oscar night because I thought those who work in this business, who battle every day just to make a living, could appreciate what it takes to reach the pinnacle of their profession. Or at least be more clever with their insults. Instead what I heard was a lot of petty garbage. Now, I happen to hold a measure of respect for anyone working their ass off to make it in Hollywood. The waiter who wants to be an actor... the video store clerk who dreams of being the next Tarantino... the (fill in the blank) who's writing a screenplay. I respect them all, because it's damn near impossible to even get a toe-hold in this business, let alone reach the top. Who I don't respect are the people sitting smugly on the sidelines taking potshots at those who are actually in the game. I guess the cliche is right: Everyone who was at the Oscars was a winner... the losers were all sitting at home typing bitchy comments into their computers.

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