Written by: Adam Chase
Transcribed by: Eric B Aasen
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Chandler, and Ross are there, Rachel is serving brownies.]
Rachel: Here you go Pheebs. Who else wants one of my special homemade brownies?
Chandler: I will have one. (Ross and him both take one.)
(Phoebe takes a bite and spits it out and screams.)
Chandler: Okay, I’m not gonna have one.
Ross: Neither will I. (they both put back the brownies.)
Phoebe: No, no, it’s just my tooth.
Chandler: All right I’ll have one. (he and Ross take another brownie,)
Ross: So what’s a matter, you need a dentist? I’ve got a good one.
Phoebe: No thanks, I have a good one too. I just, I, I can’t see him.
Chandler: See that is the problem with invisible dentists.
Ross: Why? Why can’t you go to him?
Phoebe: Because, every time I go to the dentist, somebody dies.
Chandler: That is so weird, because every time I go to the dentist, I look down the hygienist’s blouse.
Rachel: Phoebe, what? Umm...what?!
Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, first there was my aunt Mary, and then there was umm, John, my mailman, and then my, my cowboy friend ‘Albino Bob’.
Rachel: And all these people actually died?
Phoebe: Yes, while I was in the chair! That’s why I take such good care of my teeth now, y'know, it’s not about oral hygiene, I floss to save lives!
Ross: Pheebs, come on, you didn’t kill anybody, these people just happened to die when you went to the dentist. It’s, it’s, it’s just ah, a coincidence.
Phoebe: Well tell that to them. Oh! You can’t, their dead.
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.]
Ross: Thanks, Gunther. (takes the plate Gunther serves him and Rachel comes up and kisses him) (to Rachel) Hey! (to Gunther) Umm, can I get a napkin too?
Gunther: Oh, like you don’t already have everything.
Phoebe: (trying to bite into an apple) Ow! Ow! (drops the apple in disgust.)
Rachel: Phoebe, your in pain, would you just go to the dentist, just go.
Phoebe: All right, fine, fine, but if you’re my next victim, don’t come back as a poltergeist and like suck me into the TV set.
Rachel: I promise.
Phoebe: Although, don’t feel like you can’t visit.
Joey: (entering with Monica) Hey, is, is, is Chandler here?
Ross: (patting his clothes like he is looking for his wallet) No, no he’s not.
Monica: You guys, Joey just saw Janice kissing her ex-husband.
Ross: What? (to Joey) So what are you going to do? I mean how, how are you going to tell Chandler?
Joey: Well, I was thinking about that and I, I think the best way would be, to not.
Rachel: Joey, you can’t keep this to yourself, if you know about this, you have to tell him.
Joey: It’ll kill him. I mean it’ll, it’ll just kill him.
Phoebe: Well, you could wait ‘til I go to the dentist, maybe I’ll kill him.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, All are there except for Chandler.]
Joey: (looking out the window) Ewww! Ugly Naked Guy is using his new hammock. It’s like a Play-Doo Fat Factory.
Phoebe: Well, I’m going to the dentist, so listen, okay, just be on the look out for anything that, that, that you can fall into, or, or that can fall on you, or... All right, just look out! Okay, And um, I also just wanna, I just wanna tell you all that um...... (starts to cry and runs out)
Ross: Okay, I have a problem I have to go into work for a few hours, some kids messed up the Homo Sapien display.
Joey: What did they do?
Ross: Well, they painted over the word ‘Sapien’ for one thing, then they rearranged the figures, let’s just leave it at that.
Monica: So, do you want me to watch Ben for you?
Ross: Yes, that’s what I was going to ask, thank you.
Rachel: Whoa! Wait! Hello! What about me?
Ross: You? You! Want to watch Ben? (in the background Monica mouths ‘Don’t worry, I’ll be here the whole time.’ to Ross.) Yes! That’d be great, no, I just wanted to ask Monica, because I know how empty her life is. (Monica sarcastically mouths ‘Yeah!’ and holds up her thumb.)
Joey: Hey-hey, Ross?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: I’ve got a science question.
Ross: Hmm?
Joey: If the Homo Sapiens, were in fact ‘Homo-sapien’, is that why there extinct?
Ross: Joey, Homo Sapiens are people.
Joey: Hey-hey, I’m not judging.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are babysitting Ben.]
Rachel: (holding Ben) Look Benny, spoon. (moves it back and forth) Spoon. Come on! All right, y'know what I think he’s bored.
Monica: Here. Ben, do you wanna play the airplane game, do you wanna show Rachel? Come here. (takes Ben) We’re gonna do something fun. Okay. (throws Ben up in the air a little bit and catches him) Weee!! (moves into the living room and does it again) Weee!! (starts to walk back into the kitchen as she does it again, and hits Ben’s head on that wooden beam across the ceiling.)
[cut to later]
Monica: (to Ben) Who’s so brave, you’re so brave, yes you are, you’re so brave.
Rachel: Okay. Okay honey, he’s fine, he’s fine, let’s just put him down. Come here, Ben. (sets him on the couch) See that’s a good boy. (to Monica) How could you do that to him!! Ross trusted me, what is he going to say?!
Monica: He’s not gonna say anything, because we’re not gonna tell him.
Rachel: We’re not?!
Monica: No we’re not.
Rachel: All right, I like that.
Monica: Okay.
Rachel: So we’re okay, we’re okay, we’re okay, (starts to exam Ben) aren’t we? No, we’re not okay, we’re not okay, there’s a bump, there’s a bump.
Monica: Oh my God! Well push it in! Push it in!
Rachel: I cannot push it in!
Monica: Okay, we’re gonna need a distraction.
Rachel: Okay, okay, okay.
Monica: I got it!
Rachel: Okay.
Monica: The second that Ross walks in that door, I want you take him back to your bedroom and do whatever it is that you do that makes him go, (high pitched) rweee!!
Rachel: Or. We could put a hat on his head.
Monica: A hat! Yes! We need a hat.
Rachel: We need a hat..
Monica: Where are we gonna find a tiny little hat?
Rachel: Oh, oh, oh, I’ll get ‘Rainy Day Bear’!! (runs to get him)
Monica: Because he’ll know what to do? (Rachel comes out of her room with a bear that’s dressed in a rain suit.) Oh my God, you’re a genius!
