Written by: Seth Kurland
Transcribed by: Eric B Aasen
[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there, Ross is telling a story about what happened at work and the rest of the gang are thinking to themselves, denoted by italics.]
Ross: So I told Carl, ‘Nobody, no matter how famous their parents are, nobody is allowed to climb on the dinosaur.’ But of course this went in one ear and out.....
Rachel:I love how he cares so much about stuff. If I squint I can pretend he’s Alan Alda.
Monica:Oh good, another dinosaur story. When are those gonna become extinct?
Chandler:If I was a superhero who could fly and be invisible, that would be the best.
Gunther:What does Rachel see in this guy? I love Rachel. I wish she was my wife.
(Joey is singing in his head.)
Phoebe:Who’s singing?
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the whole gang is there including Janice, they’re watching Happy Days.]
Ross: Hey. When you guys were kids and you played Happy Days, who were you? I was always Richie.
Monica: I was always Joanne.
Joey: Question. Was ah, ‘Egg the Gellers!’ the war cry of your neighbourhood?
(A commercial for the Mattress King, Janice’s ex-husband, comes on TV.)
Phoebe: Ewww! Oh! It’s the Mattress King!
Joey: Booo!!
Chandler: (to Janice) Don’t look honey. Change the channel! Change the channel!
Janice: Wait! Wait! I wanna see this. After I divorce him, half of that kingdom is gonna be mine.
Matress King: (on TV) ‘Despair fills the mattress showroom. My kingdom is suddenly without a queen. I’m so depressed I’m going to slash... my prices!! Check it out! Four ninety-nine for a pillow top queen set! I’m going medieval on prices!
Chandler: What a wank!
Janice: Oh, I cannot believe he’s using our divorce to sell mattresses.
Monica: I know! And four ninety-nine for a pillow top queen set, who cares about the divorce, those babies will sell themselves. (they all stare at her) And I’m appalled for you by the way.
Matress King: (on TV) I’m close. I’m cheap. I’m the king.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is on the phone, everyone else is there except Joey.]
Rachel: ‘Okay. (listens) Okay, daddy we’ll see you tomorrow night. (listens) Okay bye-bye.’ (hangs up)
Ross: We?
Rachel: Are ah, having dinner with my Dad tomorrow night, I hope that’s okay.
Ross: Oh shoot, tomorrow’s not so good, I’m supposed to um, fall off the Empire State building and land on a bicycle with no seat. Sorry.
Rachel: Ross, my father doesn’t hate you.
Ross: Please, he refers to me as ‘wethead’.
Rachel: But honey he calls everybody by a nickname! Okay, look, I know, all right, just one dinner, please, just one night for me, please. I just want him to love you like I do. (Ross looks at her) All right, well not exactly like I do, but, but, if you do come to dinner, I’ll love you like I do in that black thing that you like.
Chandler: (leaning in) I’ll go.
Ross: Fine.
Rachel: Thank you.
Ross: Hi Gunther.
Gunther: Yeah, we’ll see!
Joey: (entering) Hey, you guys!
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Guess what?
Ross: What?
Joey: I got a gig!
All: Yay!!
Chandler: See, that’s why I could never be an actor. Because I can’t say gig.
Phoebe: Yeah, I can’t say croissant. (realises) Oh my God!
Monica: What’s the part?
Joey: Well, it’s not a part, no. I’m teaching acting for soap operas down at the Learning Extension.
Ross: Come on! That’s great.
All: Wow!
Joey: Yeah, yeah. It’s like my chance to give something back to the acting community.
Ross: Y’know your probably not allowed to sleep with any of your students.
Joey: (glares at him) I know!
[Scene: Mattress King, Monica and Phoebe are shopping for a new mattress.]
Phoebe: Ugh! I don’t know Monica. It feels funny just being here. I mean if you buy a bed from Janice’s ex-husband, that’s like betraying Chandler.
Monica: Not at these prices.
Phoebe: (sees a little kid playing with a race car bed) (to kid) Hi. Y'know in England this car would be on the other side of the store. (the kid just stares at her, and she makes the ‘that went right over your head’ motion) Woo!
Monica: (lying down on a mattress) Oh! Ohhhhh! Oh! Phoebe, come here. Aw, this is my new bed. You gotta feel this bad boy.
Phoebe: Eh, Monica it, it feels so weird, y'know, Chandler’s your friend... (hops onto the bed) Oh! Oh my God! Aw, all right take this bed, you can make other friends.
[Scene: Classroom. Joey is writing his name on the board, but turns around before he’s done which causes him to write his name with a downward curve, and he then underlines it, and draws the line right through his name.]
Joey: Good evening. I’m Mr. Tribbiani. And I will be teaching acting for soap operas. Now um, on my first day as (proudly) Dr. Drake Remoray on Days of Our Lives, (looks for a reaction from his students, and gets none.) I learned that one of the most important things in soap opera acting is reacting, this does not mean acting again, it means, you don’t have a line, but someone else just did. And it goes like this. (looks all intense for a moment and then gasps, the students cheer him) Thanks, thanks, a lot. Oh, by the way, before I forget to work in soap operas some of you will have to become much more attractive. All right, moving right along.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering, Phoebe is already there waiting for the delievery guy.]
