Dear Doctor Mike,

I seem to have made a mistake in determining the father of my child.  How can I break into the hospital's computer system to alter my child's blood type and falsify legal documents?  It is of the utmost importance that you get back to me ASAP because I will lose my husband if he finds out that the child is not his, then I will be forced to marry the child's weasel-geek father.

Secretive in Salem

Dear Sneaky,

Sounds to me like you are in one heck of a troublesome situation.  If I were in your shoes, I'd by an antique sports car and finally get a life.  However, I am not you, so you should steal a floppy disk from a nurse (not the one with the ponytail and beard who looks like Stefano) and make the switch for your child's sake.

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Dear Doctor Horton,

Stop puting tha moooves on Karry. As soon as I get my marige to Sammy ended, I am going to mary her.  Then we are going to live happily ever after like in Ferry tales no matter what your mother says.

Awstin

Dear Awstin,

I see you suffer from a lack of the 'spelling chromosome'. Come into the hospital and I will give you one. Chromosomal therapy is one of my many specialties.

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