Dear Doctor Evans,

My Ex-husband and I are very much in love (or at least I think we are).  We have a son together and we intended to get married a short time ago. However, I think he is in love with someone who has bigger implants than me.  I am too meek to confront him about my suspicions so I pine after him alone ALL THE TIME and talk to myself.  What should I do?  Without him I am a meaningless piece of dust.  

Self-esteemless in Salem

Dear Self esteem-less,

Have you tried wearing slutty outfits while you pine for your lost love? Or Maybe you should surround yourself with a foreign man who worships you and constantly lead him on.  Of course too much of either of these suggestions is a bad idea : ) Good luck to you

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Dear Doctor Evans,

My mother is a cheap, slutty tramp.  She is marrying a man with whom she had an affair several years ago, an affair that completely destroyed my father (he was married to her at the time).  Because of circumstances that I can't go into, I can not tell her how I feel about this sleazy marriage. What should I do?

Upset in Amnesiaville

Dear Upset,

I am sure your wonderful mother means well.  And I should remind you that her ex-husband has FORGIVEN HER.  You sound like Sami, you must have your memory back!  Samantha Gene Brady! If you ever call me those names again I am going to have the nanny paddle your behind! 

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Dear Doctor Evans,                            
                                        

Come away with me and be my Queen of the Night. We will move to one of my island paradises. If you don't do so voluntarily I am going to stalk and kidnap you anyway so you might as well give up.  I'll meet you at Salem Place in 2 hours.  Bring that crazy Susan with you so I can kill her.  By the way, did you like your wedding present?

Love, Your King Stef ; )

'King' Stef,

I thought you were dead, You freak.  I don't love you and I never will (But I want that cool crown you tried to give me in Paris).  Leave me and my family alone or I will get (thought-challenged) John to kick your old, creepy butt.  My wedding present wasn't very original.  You gave me a fake Roman in bandages several years ago, next time get me a nice Ferrari or some diamonds. 

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