Pacey sat in the chair outside the principal's office, staring glumly off into space. This was a fine mess he'd gotten himself into. On the one hand, he still believed that standing up for Jack had been right. On the other hand, he'd pretty much backed himself into a corner in the way that he'd done it. So he could either go against everything he thought was right, and apologize to… that man, or he could take his lumps, and have to deal with being suspended, not to mention his father's reaction.
Not to mention Andie's reaction.
That still hurt. She was acting as though he'd done it just for kicks, to cut up in class. She hadn't even wanted to hear about what had happened, she'd been so busy telling him that he had to apologize.
He looked longingly at the door. She knew that he had his meeting now, and he kept hoping she'd show up to lend some support. He could almost picture the blond head peeking around the corner, and saying -
"Want some company?" asked the blond standing in the doorway.
Pacey managed something that might resemble a smile for his friend. "Sure, Dawson. Did you happen to bring the condemned man his last meal? I've always been partial to lobster, you know."
Dawson smiled back. "Sorry, seafood is more Joey's department than mine."
Eager to grasp on any topic of conversation that didn't involve creative writing, Mr. Peterson, or suspension from school, Pacey asked, "Speaking of the star-crossed love of your life, how are things going with your new 'letting go' tactic?"
Dawson gave him a surprised look. "Pacey, I'm sure the last things you want to hear about now are my relationship issues with Joey."
"Actually, D, anything that takes my mind off of MY issues is pretty much a great thing to talk about right now," Pacey said. "Do you know how she's handling the whole thing with Jack?"
Dawson leaned over to Pacey, not that anyone in the outer office was paying any attention to the two of them. "She came over yesterday," he confided.
Pacey felt a flash of anger toward Joey. Weren't any of the girls in this town even remotely loyal? "Deserting the sinking ship already, huh?" he said bitterly. "Sure didn't take her long to throw herself back into your arms."
Dawson looked surprised. "No, not at all. She came to ask my advice."
He sounded so proud when he said it, Pacey mused. As if Joey coming and asking for Dawson's advice on her relationship with Jack was the best thing that had happened to him in weeks. Which, Pacey reflected, might well be the case.
"So what'd you tell her?"
Now Dawson did look a little unhappy. "To talk to him about it. That if there wasn't honesty between them, they wouldn't have any hope of working things out."
Pacey sat up straight in his chair. "I'm sorry, I thought you just said that you told Joey to go try and work things out with Jack. Who are you, and what have you done with Dawson Leery?"
Dawson gave him a wry smile, since even he could see the irony. "She wasn't coming to me as her ex-boyfriend." That still hurt to say. "She was coming to me as her best friend. The way I used to come to her with all of my issues with Jen." He let out a sigh. "Now I know how miserable it must have made her. Maybe now I'm paying the karmic price for being insensitive and clueless in the past."
Pacey gave him a doubtful look. "Or maybe not," Dawson added. "But if I can't have Joey-my-girlfriend back, then having Joey-my-bestfriend is the next best thing. It felt so good to see her climb in that window, and know that she needed me."
"And you were there for her," Pacey finished, thinking again of Andie. Who was obviously not planning on showing up.
Dawson, of course, didn't realize that Pacey wasn't talking about him and Joey anymore. "Yeah, I had to be. It was hard. A really big part of me wanted to tell her to dump the guy, you know? But it wouldn't have been right. And, to tell the truth, as much as I want Joey back, I don't want her to come back to me just because Jack is, well, gay."
Pacey wondered, "D'ya think he is?"
"I really don't know," Dawson answered. "I mean, it's not like you can just look at him and tell, you know?"
Pacey gave Dawson a mischievous look. "Betcha hope he isn't." At Dawson's confused expression, he explained, "Come on, how much of a blow would it be to have your girlfriend stolen away by someone who doesn't even like girls?"
Even Dawson had to smile at that one. He quickly sobered, up, though. "He didn't steal her, Pace. I can pretend that's what happened until I'm totally in denial, but that's not how it was. I know that now." He remembered that day in the quad, when he'd had to explain "Sammy's" motivations to Devon. Not what had occurred - he knew that, he'd lived it. But why - what was going on inside of Joey when she made the decision to walk away from him. "You feel completely misunderstood. You think this guy, who you've believed in your entire life, can't see the hope and potential of what you can become. And so, you're confused, and you're petrified. You're afraid to stay with him, you're afraid to stay without him, you're frustrated. You feel... so... alone."
It had been like a light bulb going off inside his head. He finally got it. Joey hadn't been able to believe in herself, so she hadn't been able to believe that he could, either. He'd wanted to run and tell her, explain that he understood now, but the timing hadn't been right. It still wasn't, and he knew that maybe it never would be.
He said as much to Pacey. "Right now, I'm willing to accept whatever Joey is willing to give me. If that's just friendship, then I'll take it.
Pacey was impressed, but doubtful. Generally whenever Dawson tried to be objective about Joey, he failed miserably. "But isn't that hard?"
Dawson let out another sigh. "Yeah, it is. But, you know, she needed me. She needed someone to talk to, to help her, and out of everyone in her life, she came to me. That has to count for something."
Pacey thought about that. Yeah, it did. He had a sudden inspiration. "You're her true north."
"Huh?" Dawson gave Pacey a puzzled look.
"Don't you watch TV?" Pacey asked, bemused. "Haven't you seen those cheesy commercials for that new chick flick, 'Message in a Bottle'? You know, with the girl from 'The Princess Bride'?"
"You mean the film with Kevin Costner, about the guy who writes letters to his dead wife and throws them into the ocean?" Dawson said, trying to figure out where this was going. "I was planning on skipping that one. Looks like it's over-blown, heavy handed, melodramatic and insubstantial."
Pacey nodded. "Right, like I said, a chick flick. Anyway, there's this line in the commercials, where the guy is writing the letters, and he says something about how he shouldn't have let her go, and that she was his true north. Like you and Joey."
Dawson finally understood what Pacey was trying to say. "True north, huh?" He smiled. "I like that. Thanks, Pacey."
"No biggee," Pacey shrugged it off. "I mean, it's not exactly politically correct for me to say it, since I am dating his sister - or at least, I was - but I never thought that Joey belonged with Jack. You two… I think you two will make it."
Dawson ignored the prediction - though it was nice to hear - and clued in on another part of the statement. "You were dating his sister? What's that supposed to mean?" He looked around the room, suddenly noticing Andie's conspicuous absence. "Speaking of which, where is she?"
"Your guess is as good as mine," Pacey said, his voice tired, but not particularly bitter. "She's made it pretty clear that my actions didn't exactly please her. Well, you were there, you heard."
Dawson wrinkled his brow, confused. "Well, yeah. But just because she doesn't think you necessarily did the right thing doesn't mean that she doesn't support you." But she wasn't there. "Does it?"
"Looks like it," Pacey answered. "You know, I never saw her look at me the way she did yesterday. It was like… she'd put all of this trust in me, but I'd betrayed it. Which is kind of funny, because that was exactly how I felt when she looked at me that way." His tone of voice revealed that he didn't find it funny in the least.
"Betrayed? You stood up for her brother. Maybe it was a little… impulsive, but you didn't do anything to Andie. She shouldn't be mad at you." Dawson just didn't get it.
Neither did Pacey. "That's kinda how I feel, D. But look around. She's not here. She's not going to be. I was a reclamation project for her. She picked me up, turned me around, but the first time I deviate from the narrow path of "acceptable behavior", she drops me flat."
His voice was getting angry, and he lowered it, aware of the surroundings. "You know, there's not many people in my life I expect to support me. My family doesn't. They never have. And I never had a whole lot of friends. But you and Joey, you were always there when I needed you. For the big stuff. I love you guys, you know?" He sounded a little embarrassed. Dawson nodded. It wasn't something guys talked about much. But he loved Pacey like a brother, and he knew that Pacey felt the same way about him. "That's love to me, Dawson. Having someone you can count on. I thought that's what Andie and I had. But she isn't here. You are. Joey, well, she's got her own issues with Jack to deal with. But look at Joey and Jack, even. She's giving him more support than his own sister is!"
Dawson tried to give Andie the benefit of the doubt. "This has been tough on her, Pacey. Maybe you shouldn't be so hard on her."
"Do you know what she said to me when I asked her how she'd feel if she found out that Jack was gay?" Pacey demanded. "She said she'd be 'disappointed'. Disappointed, for gods sake. In her own brother! When she looked at me yesterday, when I told her I wasn't going to apologize to Peterson… she looked ashamed."
Dawson winced. Ashamed was a tough word.
Just then, Mr. Peterson walked by, on his way into Principal Markey's office. He gave Pacey a smug, satisfied look as he went in the door.
Wasn't this just great? "Look at that guy. Tell me he does not have it out for me," he complained to Dawson.
"Well, if he didn't already then he certainly does now," Dawson agreed. He wondered what they were going to do to Pacey. He wondered what he'd do if he were in the same situation. Maybe Pacey should just apologize, and get it over with.
As if reading his thoughts, Pacey said, "You know, maybe I should just do it. I should just apologize."
Dawson didn't answer. One way or the other, this was Pacey's decision to make.
"You don't think what I did was right, do you?" Pacey asked. It felt as if everyone was against him. Maybe he really was the colossal screw-up that his father always said he was.
"I can't judge," Dawson protested. "I wasn't there."
Pacey figured he should probably just drop the subject, since Dawson wasn't likely to say anything he wanted to hear. Instead, he kept pushing. "But would you have done it yourself?"
And, to his disappointment, he couldn't see it happening. He couldn't see himself being as gutsy as Pacey had been. "No," he admitted, a little disappointed at his own lack of character.
But Pacey didn't hear that Dawson's tone was censuring himself - he thought that disappointed tone was being directed at him. Yet another person in his life who he'd let down. "And if I go in there and I can't apologize. Would you be ashamed of me?" He thought he already knew the answer. But he might as well hear it said out loud.
Dawson's face broke out into a smile. "In my lifetime, Pacey, I will never be ashamed of you." Clearer than words, his voice and his expression said that was one of the most ridiculous things he'd ever heard. Friends weren't ashamed of each other. Friends stood by you when the chips were down. Pacey had done it for him, more times than he could possibly count. Now he was just returning the favor.
Pacey felt his mood lighten. Maybe things didn't always work out the way you wanted them to. But no matter, what he knew he had someone he could always count on. And that made all the difference.
Mr. Milo came out of the principal's office. "Pacey, we're ready for you."
Pacey got up to go into the office. He knew exactly what he had to do.
