Joey stood on her front porch watching Jack walk away. She'd had a good time with him. A surprisingly good time. After going though her life feeling as if Dawson Leery was the only boy in the world for her, it was somewhat of a shock to discover that she could enjoy spending time with - and kissing - someone else.
She wandered into the quiet house. Bessie and Bodie were in their room, and for once, Alexander was asleep. She felt too restless to sleep, and turned on the television.
Aimlessly she flicked through channels, but nothing caught her attention. She felt all stirred up and fidgety. Everything she had done to try and take control of her life - most notably breaking up with Dawson - seemed to be having the opposite effect, and she more unsettled than ever.
Catching sight of a videotape on top of the VCR she brightened. She could watch the show she'd taped earlier in the week. She popped the tape in, and settled down on the couch with the remote.
She sometimes joked that "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" was her secret vice. The one time she had tried to get Dawson to watch the show his reaction had been extreme. "I can't even believe you watch this," he had said, sounding totally appalled. "It romanticizes violence, trivializes sex, and uses overblown hyperbole and metaphors to convey a message that is muddled at best." She had been secretly amused by his horror, and had continued to watch the show. Every now and then she and Pacey would get into a heated discussion about an episode over the lunch table, just to see Dawson's reaction.
She had never told Dawson that she identified with the characters, that she totally understood Buffy's sense of having your whole life unfold before you without having any control over its path. Sure, she didn't have to go around staking vampires or anything, but it was, after all, a metaphor. Overblown or not.
The situation with Xander and Willow struck a little too close to home for comfort, but it was the love story of Buffy and Angel that captivated her. Doomed, star-crossed lovers. Was there any way for them to find a way back to each other?
"I'm thinking of doing a love story," Dawson had told her about his new movie. "You know, boy meets girl. Boy gets girl. Boy loses girl.... Boy gets girl back." She had wanted to cry at the look in his eyes. She didn't want to give him false hopes, but that was pretty much the ending she was longing for herself.
She shook the thoughts off, and started the tape. She'd been looking forward to this episode. Spike was back in Sunnydale!
Regardless of Dawson's opinion, she thought the writing on the show was great. Spike's whining and moaning was hysterical.
"You're not even a loser anymore," Buffy said scornfully, "You're a shell of a loser." Joey giggled.
They continued to spar, Spike taunting Angel and Buffy about their relationship. "We're just friends," Angel insisted.
"You're not friends," Spike sneered back. "You'll never be friends. You'll be in love 'til it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other until it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, it's blood -- blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it."
Joey sat there, barely breathing. She felt as if someone had hit her with a sledgehammer.
"Do you think things could get back to normal between us? Could we just be friends again?" she'd asked Dawson, just a few hours before. And he'd agreed, saying he'd like that.
She had been relieved, but she'd had doubts. Just last week he'd been so adamant, so angry. "That's what you want? After all we've been through, just friends? If you don't understand why that can't happen, if you don't get that, you don't get me!"
And now, here, as if it had been personally sent to her, was further confirmation of her doubts. Two people who had once been in love couldn't just be friends. It didn't work that way.
She tried to tell herself she was being silly - it was just a damn TV show. But it was as if she could see her whole relationship with Dawson in the storyline - well, except for the vampires and killing him part.
Unable to sit still a second longer, she put on her shoes and ran out of the house. She had to talk to Dawson. There had to be a way to fix this.
Her mind was whirling as she rowed across the creek. After all this time of trying to accuse Dawson of trying to direct their relationship like one of his movies, she had done exactly the same thing. You couldn't treat real people like characters in a script - they had real feelings and motivations, and trying to deny them would only bring about disaster.
She and Dawson could get through this - together. The way they had done everything else. The way they should be right now.
She tied her boat off, and rushed up the ladder. He was going to be so happy.
"Hey, Dawson," she began, climbing through the window. Then she realized he wasn't there. She looked at the clock. It was late. Maybe he was downstairs. She could wait.
She sat down on the bed, and picked up his Jaws stuffed animal. She smiled, remembering hiding in the closet reciting the lines from the movie.
As she sat there, in Dawson's room, surrounded by his life, all the old doubts crept back. She was doing what she'd always done - running to Dawson, falling back into familiar habits. Nothing had changed. Nothing was different. She still had no idea what she wanted or needed, and wasn't any more settled than she had been.
Her smile faded. It was loneliness. She missed him so much, she was ready to justify just about any way to get him back into her life, it seemed. Even if it meant taking a TV show a little too seriously.
Sadly, she put the toy down. Taking one last look around, as if to say goodbye, she climbed back out the window.
Across the creek at her house, the TV still on, the tape she had been watching was ending. "We're not friends," Buffy said sorrowfully to Angel. "We never were." He tried to convince her that there had to be a way to make it work, but she didn't believe him. And as Joey rowed back across the creek, away from Dawson, Buffy turned and walked away from Angel.
