Ask Britney

Dear Anti: Um...Yeah. Okay! Sounds good. Like,..cool! Yeah! Make out city! Tee hee!

Dear Brit: I'm in love. But, not just with anybody. I'm in love with Justin Timberlake. We've slept together a few times, and he was incredible. He even has the cutest tattoo on his... umm, err, never mind. But he even asked me to marry him! I feel like I could die for him. What should I say? Clueless in California

Dear Clueless: Wow! He is...like...really good! Umm, yes, errm...oh. Wait just a f@#$ing minute! My Justin?!? You've been f@#$ing with my Justin Timberlake?!? Oh...errm...hell no! I won't stand for this! Pray I don't find out what...state California is in. If I ever...meet you, I'm gonna...give you a piece of my...ass? No, that's not it. What's that other thing I don't have? Oh..yeah! A mind! Hey! Wait just a f@#$ing minute...

Dear Brit: All of my friends think that you suck. How can I convince them othewise? What do I do? Teed off in Toronto

Dear Teed: I do suck, on the weekends, and every other wednesday. Tell your friends that if they want, they should contact me. Like...um, totally yeah.

Dear Brit: Like...my prom is...like around the corner. And I like totally don't know what to wear, or who to go with. Okay...like...errm. Justin asked me to wear the baby blue minidress. But Lance wants me to wear the long white gown. So...um. What do I do? Prom is like totaly close. Baffled in Baltimore

Dear Baffled: Errm. Thats pretty tough. Okay, here's what you do. Firstly, get the f@#$ away from my men! You slutty bastard, I should errm...oh never mind. Don't go with them! First that C*** in California, now this B**** in Baltimore! What do you take me for? A fool? Or errm...something.

Dear Brit: I was appalled by your Rolling Stone photos. I've always looked up to you as a role model. But how can I when you act like a tramp. Please Britney, you're my idol! Try to act a little more respectable, please? I look up to you Britney! Faithful in Florida

Dear Faithful: I know Rolling Stone tends to push the envelope, but I thought those pictures were fine and tasteful. And what I say goes! So get off my back. Or I'll blow sunshine up your butt!

Dear Brit: I hate you! You suck whore! Why would I ask your stupid ass for advice?!? BITCH!!!!!! Up Yours in Utah

Dear Up Yours: Yeah! Like okay. That wasn't such a fun breeze. I thought this advice thing would be easy since I'm so perfect, and cute, and all the dirty old men love me! Yet, I still can't get Justin. Why doesn't he like me? Dammit!

Dear Brit: My friends say that you're a skank, and you got breast implants. Say it isn't so! I swear I'll hang myself, if it's true! I love you! You'd never do that to your body! Lovin' You in Louisiana

Dear Lovin' You: Ewwww!!! Get away creep! Yes I got implants! Are you happy? Ugghh. I hate my fans! They're so icky. And you live so close! I'd better move. Like, ya know!

Dear Brit: How dare you fucking diss the BSB you plastic piece of shit! I hope your fucking implants pop! You're nothing but a fucking oversized Barbie doll! Die!! Slut!!!!! Fuck You in Fairmont Heights

Dear Fuck You: Um, like yay! The BSB are just people who get by on their looks! I'm the only one who can do that. But, um... I like colors that pop! You can call me Bit Bit!

Dear Brit: What the hell was with that stunt you pulled at the Kid's Choice Awards? Do you think all those childen really needed to see your surgically enhanced goodies? You're sick in the head. Have some common decency! Pissed in Palmetto

Dear Pissed: Leave me alone! How was I supposed to know about the weather. It's not like I can read a paper to find the forecast! Give me a break. Besides, my future husband could've been sitting in that audience.

Dear Brit: Hey! Is it true you got your ass kicked by Brian Littrell's girlfriend? I heard you dissed the BSB again at a party in New York, and you got fucked up! Is it true? Oh, please let it be true! Giggling in Greenwich

Dear Giggling: Yes I did. It's not funny! It wasn't fair. I couldn't even see! The sun was in my eyes. I was drunk and my implants got in the way. I'm going to tell my pimp, and Chad, and we're going to sue.