Inspired by the infamous Change History Threads from the Clopin Forums, those of us who frequent The Gang Of Three Forum decided to do our own change history thread! For those of you who don't know how it works, it's simply taking the lines from a movie or musical and changing them in a way that permanently changes the plot of the movie. I think you'll catch on as you read. ;-) Enjoy!
Li Mulan
Shang ((while taking his shirt off)): I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy, yeah!
Mulan: Would you like to stay for dinner?
Granny Fa: ((to Shang))Will you marry me?
Shang: OK!
Xi-Sing
Mulan: Father, you can't go!
Fa Zhou ((tossing cane aside)): Don't worry, Mulan -- I've just been faking this limp so you'd do all the farm chores.
((Shan Yu and the Huns cross the Great Wall.))
Shan Yu: Okay, guys, guess I proved my point. Let's go home.
Ling: Ow! Something bit me!
Mushu ((pops out of water)): What a nasty flavor!
Ling: Hey! Look guys, a little, talking dragon! Neat-o!
((The Huns have the Emperor prisoner in the Palace.))
Mulan: Hey, you guys! I've got an idea!
Go3 ((after hearing it)): You want us to dress up as WHAT? Phfft! Forget it, sister!
Mulan ((to Shang)): Hey, how about I'll hold him, and you punch?
Shang ((grins)): I like the way you think, soldier! C'mon!
((Mushu rides up on the Panda with the "urgent message"))
Chi Fu ((suspicious)): Who are you?
Mushu: Who am I? We're in a war, man, this is no time for...
Chi Fu knocks off his helmet: EWWW! A yucky bug! And a snake! AAAAAA!
Yao: And I am Yao, King of the Rock!
"Ping": Oh, yeah? Well, I'll bet Ling and I can take you! ((Starts to climb the rock while the guys stare in shock)) Um-- oops.
Tattoo Guy: This tattoo will protect me from harm!
**Yao slugs him -- and it's like hitting a brick wall.**
Yao: AAAUGHGHGH! OW OW OW!
Ariana
((Mulan gives her father the sword and the crest of the emperor, and Fa Zhou drops them aside.))
Fa Zhou: The greatest gift and honor is having you for a daughter.
Mulan: Oh! So I went through all THAT, and this is the thanks you give me for saving your life?!?
((Yao, Ling, Cien-Po, and "Ping" try to climb up the pole, and reach the arrow on their first try.))
Shang: Oh...well... I guess you don't need any training. Darn, right when I was just about to break into a song.
Mushu: Punch 'im. Its how men say 'hello'.
((Mulan punches Yao))
Yao: Oh, hi! Nice to meet you.
Chi-Fu: Order! There will be order!
Soldier: I'll have a fried pan noodle!
Chien-Po: Ooh, sweet and pungent shrimp.
Chi-Fu: Coming right up. Would you like anything to drink with that?
Shan-Yu's falcon is flying over the "huns attack" scene in the mountains, and thinks to himself: Boy, this sure reminds me of some movie similar to this. I believe it had something to do with lions, and wildabeasts. Or something like that.
((Mushu lands on the fireworks tower.))
Mushu: Citizens! I need firepo- Hey! You're Tony Bancroft, and Barry Cook! Wow! Can I have your autogragh?
((The two men scream and jump out of the tower.))
Mushu(to Cri-Kee): What? What did I say?
Mulan just leapt off the roof after the fireworks exploded with Shan-Yu, and grabbed the lantern on the rope. But the lantern gives way, and the rope snaps. She falls toward the concrete ground, but Shang sees her, and runs up and catches her.
Mulan is embraced by the Gang, then turns to Shang.
Shang: You...you fight good.
Mulan: Oh...thank you.
Just as Mulan is about to mount Khan, she quickly turns around and hugs Shang. Shang, of course, is surprised, and then the rest of the movie continues...
An-Yi
Heeheeheehee... Love them Ariana, but I saw a few spinoffs from them *eg*.
Shang: I...um.. you fight good.
Mulan: WHAT!? Excuse me!? I just saved all of China, including YOU, Mr. "I'll Make a Man Out of YOU", and all you can say is "You fight good?!?" Sha! Men... all a bunch of inconsiderate pigs."
((She stalks off while the gang cluck their tongues at Shang in disgust.))
Shang: What did I say?
Mulan: Get off the roof, get off the roof, get off the roof!
((She dives for the lantern, misses by a mile, and falls to the concrete below))
Ling: Ouch, she's gonna need a really BIG band-aid for that one!
((Shang reads Mulan's conscription notice))
Shang: Fa Zhou?? THE Fa Zhou??
Chi-Fu: I didn't know Fa Zhou had a son!
The Other men from Mulan's village(who we all know SHOULD have reported to the same camp as Mulan.): He doesn't! That's just Mulan dressed up as a man.
Mushu: Hey Rocky, time to rise and shine! ((Bangs on gong))
((The great stone dragon roars impressivily to life, breaking out of his stone encasing Gargoyles style))
The Great Stone Dragon ((In an impressive, serious, thunder like voice ((think Goliath!)): I have awakened from my centuries of sleep O' ancestor and will go to fetch Fa Mulan. I will save the Fa Family Honor!"
((Flies Away in the direction Mulan went))
Mushu: Ah Man, an' I was *this* close to gettin' back in favor wit' them guardians and ancestors! ((Drags Gong back up the hill to the temple in a dejected manner.))
Lien
((Chi Fu drags Mulan from the medic's tent, throwing her to the ground))
Chi-Fu: A woman! Treacherous swine!
Mulan: My name is Mulan...
Chi-Fu: High treason! Ultimate dishonor!
((Mulan jumps to her feet, getting into Chi Fu's face glaring.))
Mulan: Alright, that's it! I'm so sick of hearing your whiny little voice, your disrespect for my gender, and your stupid little hat! I wanna see you do something like I just did! Or, rather, something like this! ((To which, she decks him.))
Shan-Yu's falcon snatches Shan-Yu's sword from Shang, winging it's way to the Palace roof. It drops it in Shan-Yu's hand. He reaches up to grab it, loses his balance, and tumbles off the roof...
Mulan quietly meets the Matchmaker, recites the Final Admonition perfectly, fills the tea cups gracefully and generally impresses the Matchmaker greatly.
The Matchmaker: Well, you are a gem of a wife not to be wasted...I think I have the prefect husband for you. The
Emperor's chief aid himself will bring much honor to your family...
Or:
"The son the Imperial General himself will bring much honor to your family..." ;)
Imperial Soldier: Now all of China knows you're here.
Shan-Yu: Dang! I was so hoping to give the Emperor that surprise birthday party...
((Shang and his troops ride up to the burned village. They stop and spread out to look for surviors. At the crest of the hill they look over--to find General Li coming up it with his troops following.))
General Li: I told you not to shoot those victory fireworks off to close to the village! Now look what you've done! Oh--hi son, what are you doing here?
Chandra
Ling: Looks like our new friend slept in this morning! Hello Ping..... are ya hungry?
Ping: Why yes, yes I am....How bout we all ditch this place and go get some bacon and eggs....
Yao: Can we go to Dennys?
((Playing with Little Brother.))
Mulan: Whose the smartest doggy in the whole world?
Little Brother: I am!
Mulan: ............AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Tom
The Matchmaker: You’ll NEVER bring you family honor!!!
Mulan: Excuse me?! I’m not the one who has a BEARD on her face!
Chi Fu: ...The Shao family...The Yi family... The Fa family!
Fa Zhou: I’m ready to serve the emperor!
Chi Fu: ((Gives Zhou an impatient look)) You?! Who are you, anyway?!
Fa Zhou: ((Sheepishly)) Why... I’m the great warrior Fa Zhou!
Chi Fu: I see... Very nice... But I think you misunderstood me... I said one WOMAN from every family!
Fa Zhou: ((In a great shock)) But women don’t go to the army!
((Everybody laughs except Chi Fu))
Chi Fu: Seems like you don’t know about the new law.
Fa Zhou: What new law?!
Chi Fu: The law that says- ‘After what happened with the great warrior Fa Mulan, only women will serve in the army!’ Now let’s see the real warrior...
((Mulan swiftly gets on Khan, and kisses her Father.))
Mulan: See ya, Dad! I’m off to war!
((Later that night, Fa Zhou snuck out, put on a long wig, mascara and lipstick, and went to the army, dressed as a woman.))
Mulan: Father, you shouldn’t have to go!
Fa Zhou: It will be an honor to protect my country and my family!
Mulan: So, you’ll DIE for honor!
Fa Zhou: ((Takes out a big bucket of whitewash and a brush)) I will DYE, doing what’s right!
Mulan: Wait a minuet... DYE?! I thought you said DIE!
Fa Zhou: Oh, no, I said DYE.
Mulan: So what was all that about PROTECTION?!
Fa Zhou: Ahhh, this whitewash, with it’s fine texture and great shining color, will PROTECT us from the cold of the winter!
Mulan: ((Calming down)) Good. I was afraid I’d have to dress as a boy again!
Shan Yu: Tell me... How many men does it take to deliver a message?...
Hun soldier: Uhh... ((starts counting with his fingers)) I think it’s uh... Well... It’s.... 24?
**Shan Yu gives him a dangerous look.**
Hun soldier: Hey, whaddaya WANT from me, HUH?! You think I had the time or the brains to go to SCHOOL?!
The Emperor: ...Okay, Mulan, you’ll take Chi Fu’s place!
Mulan: WOW! Thanks a bundle, Empy! Boy, oh golly GOSH! YAHOO!
The Emperor: Uhhh... I thought you were going to say that you prefer to just go home...
Mulan: WHAT??!!! Are you NUTS??!! And miss the opportunity of my LIFE?! Puh-Leeeez!
((She hugs him enthusiastically.))
Mulan: I brought you the sword of Shan Yu... And the Royal Crest! They're gifts, to honor the Fa family!
((Fa Zhou hugs her.))
Fa Zhou: The greatest gift and honor is having you for a Daughter...
((Mulan looks at him. Suddenly, she slaps him hard on his face.))
Mulan: Couldn’t you say that BEFORE I dressed myself as a boy, went to war and almost DIED?!
Suz
(Huns start charging down the hills)
Shang: *runs forward w/ white flag* Wait! Wait! We surrender! You win!
(Mulan about to set off cannon but Shan Yu reaches her first)
Shan Yu: *touches her on the shoulder, jumps back on his horse and rides off* Tag!!! You're it!
(Shan Yu questioning Emperor)
Shan Yu: I tire of your games old man, WHERE IS YOUR CONSUL???
Emperor: What? Why do you want him? I thought you wanted me to
surrender to you!
Shan Yu: *laughs* Why would I want that? You've done nothing to me! But that little weasel has insulted me for the last time...
Emperor: *points* Down that hall and to the left.
Mulan: *to Shang* What?? You want me to get my feet wet AND touch a slimy fish??? Ewww! Forget it!
Shang: You…..fight good. For a girl.
Mulan: WHAT???? *punches Shang in the face and gives him a few kicks for a good measure*
(After they find out Mulan is a girl)
Chi Fu: Captain!
Shang: *turns around and starts complaining* You know what? I'm really sick of you telling me what to do! Nag, nag, nag, that's all you do! And you know what, I'm not going to kill her, she saved our lives!! If I could, I'd find a convenient way to ditch you here by yourself!
Yao: Captain, there is that nice steep cliff right over there...
Shang: Cool!
Chi Fu: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……….*splat*
Shang: heh heh heh.
Mulan: You said you trust Ping, why is Mulan any different?
Shang: Cuz you're a woman.
Mulan: *gasps in indignation* Men are scum!!! *slaps Shang*
Mulan: I've missed you too, Baba...
*noises outside garden is heard*
Mulan: What was that?
Grandmother Fa: *enters with broom in hand* Oh, the noise? Nothing much. Just chasing a soldier away. I can't have strange men harassing my granddaughter, ya know.
Grandmother Fa: *to Cri-kee* This is your chance to prove yourself.
Fa Li: Grandma, no!!!
Villagers: Aiiiieeeeee!
Cricket Vendor: Uh-oh…..I didn't do it!!!
Shang: Every morning you will assemble swiftly and silently. Anyone who acts otherwise will answer to me. *looks around* Well? Why the heck are you all wearing your shirts? It's so hot out here!
Mulan: Uh-oh…..
Mulan: Who are you?
Mushu: Who am I? I am the guardian of lost souls! I am the powerful, the pleasurable, the indestructible Mushu! And I've come to take you home!
Mulan: But….but….
Mushu: Sorry, sister. Ancestors' orders.
Chi Fu: When the General gets my report, your soldiers will never see battle.
Shang: I'll pay you...
Chi Fu: Ok!
(Huns are attacking)
Shang: Water!!
(yeah, lame isn't it? Or wait….)*entire Hun army is frozen in ice*
Shan Yu: You took away my victory!!
Mulan: *tosses shoe* NO! He did! *points to Chi Fu*
Chi Fu: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! *gurgle*
Mulan: I never want to see another naked man again!
*naked men run by*
Mulan: *crestfallen* What, no Shang?
Mulan: *to random crowd member* The Emperor is in danger! The Huns are here!
Crowd member: Hey everybody, did you hear what she said? The Emperor is in danger!!!
*Mob rushes up the steps and tramples the dragon*
Mulan: Not quite! * knocks down Shan Yu* Ready Mushu?
Mushu: Uh….hold on…….not quite…..just a sec….almost got it now…wait, Cri-Kee where'd you put the match???
If you liked these, make sure you check out the other Change History Threads that inspired this one. Tissues are recommended since you are likely to laugh so hard you cry. ;-)
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