General
Q: Damn, woman, how many websites do you have?!
A: Mmmm... seven, but who's counting? When you're having fun on the Internet, your websites breed. ;-> Besides, it's nothing compared to Amy.
Q: You have been obsessed with/had a passion for the works of (please note for gift/bridal registry purposes) Duran Duran, Jean Cocteau, sushi, Tim Burton, Dilbert, Noah Taylor, "As Time Goes By," (the show, not the song), Tears for Fears, Japan/David Sylvian/Mick Karn, Bob Geldof/Boomtown Rats, armadillos, Hermann Hesse, Queer As Folk, "My Dinner with Andre," The Powerpuff Girls, Conan O'Brien, Sartre, Claude Debussy, Drew Carey, ACTION, Andrea Dworkin, "Eve's Bayou," Richard Brooks, "Daughters of the Dust," Jay Mohr, Robert Carlyle, The Beatles, Erik Satie, Paul Young (Well, it's about time he had an official site!), Michael Lessac, Ani DiFranco, Cornel West, Daria, cheese, David Helfgott, Angela Davis, Milan Kundera, South Park, Duke Elligton, Duncan Sheik, Frasier, Christopher Walken, Rowan Atkinson, stuffed animals, Alice in Chains, Snoopy, Dave Barry, Oingo Boingo, weird cooking shows, the slash content in BASEketball and swing dancing. Now the X-Files.
Furthermore, in the past there were Kenneth Branagh, Kyle MacLachlan, Antonio Banderas in glasses (I'm allowed an occasional lapse in judgment), Lou Rawls, Peter O'Toole, Robert Palmer, a Jewish newscaster from Chicago, The Jacksons, Xena, Harrison Ford, Roddy McDowall, Dustin Hoffman, Beethoven (yes, I was a real-life Schroeder), novels by Jackie Collins, Steely Dan, Twin Peaks, Spike Lee, Judy Blume, Betsy-Tacy, the entire United Kingdom, Plato, The Carpenters, Airplane!, Ntozake Shange, Anime, Mexican wrestling, Trixie Belden mysteries, DeBarge, Dennis Miller, The Dead Milkmen, a capella music, Meeno Peluce ( I was 9, okay?), Christian Slater, Johnny Depp, Jerry Seinfeld ... let me know if I've missed anyone...
A: Yeah, what's your point?
Q: What's the matter with you - do you have some sort of obsessive groupie gene or something?
A: An X-Phile named Gizzie once said of X-Philes that we're not obsessed - we're focused. And I just happen to have a multi-tasking focus. Foci? Whatever.
Q: You realize if you channeled all that energy into one cause, we'd have world peace by now.
A: Yeah, I know. Pathetic, isn't it? It's a sickness - I can't stop.
Q: Who are these people?
A: I have links to sites about a good number of them. Or, if you really want to know, you could try Yahoo!
Q: Why are all your friends freaks? Is it just Los Angeles or has it always been this way?
A: Always. We all gravitate towards people who will support us. My friends support my obsessions, I support theirs. Click here to read about my strange friends.
Q: Why do you hate Mel Gibson, Tom Hanks, Tom Cruise, Quentin Tarantino, Martha Stewart and Winona Ryder so much? And why do I have to hear about it all the time?
A: His a**, "Braveheart"; too nice to be believed; too smarmy to tolerate; too much exposure, horrible actor; self-explanatory; typical acting style: wide-eyed exasperation. I'm a cinema snob (well, Martha Stewart's never made a movie, but I'm sure if she did it would suck), and I am determined to open everyone's eyes to the truth behind the façade.
And for the record, I'd also like to drop-kick those pastel-colored, baby-talking, TV wearing, hangar-headed Teletubbies to the moon. Who would have thunk it possible to conceive something more irritating than Barney??!! (That's an Anti-Teletubbies link, by the way. I especially recommend The Conspiracy, Webwatch and Blob Power.)
Q: What does your cat's name come from?
A: Tabby Sebastian is aptly named first because she is a tabby mix and because Nick Rhodes of Duran Duran owned a cat named Sebastian - which should have died at least 10 years ago. But Durannies (as avid fans of Duran Duran call themselves) for some reason still name their cats Sebastian.
Q: Your cat's really weird. When I visited you last time, she was up all night staring at me - I think she's part owl. She has been running around aimlessly for the past few hours chasing her tail. She's got this weird fetish for snapping at people's ankles. And I heard she locked you in the bathroom once.
A: Yeah, all true - isn't she cute? It's cabin fever.
Q: No, seriously, I think your cat's clinically insane. She's just poured herself her fifth cup of cappuccino. My ankles are no longer connected to my legs and I think Tabby's hidden them in your world-famous dust bunny collection.
A: She's my cat. What do you expect? Oh, and be sure to take your ankles with you when you leave.
Duran Duran
Q: Duran Duran - are they still around? I liked them when I was in eighth grade.
A: Oh, God, yes, yes, yes, YES!!!! In fact,their next album will be out in June 2000.
Q: Oh, cool! Are they still doing "Rio?"
A: Sigh. Yes, I swear it's in their life contracts. And by the way, contrary to popular opinion, their 1993 album, Duran Duran, was not a comeback - they released at least 3 original albums between "The Reflex" and "Ordinary World," thank you. My favorite Duran song, "Land" is from one of them, "Big Thing." Give it a listen. It'll do your soul some good.
Q: I don't think "do your soul some good" and "Duran Duran" belong in the same sentence. How can a woman so intelligent follow a band like that?
A: Talk to the hand. The ear is not listening. Lalalalala.
Q: You don't think they ever do anything original, do you?
A: To paraphrase David Bowie, it's not being first that's important. It's being second and doing it better. (Three snaps to that!)
Q: My favorite one was the singer, Nick Taylor.
A: Simon Le Bon, you mean.
Q: I thought they had to get a new singer when Simon died in a boating accident in 1985.
A: No, contrary to his increasingly dramatic account of the "terror at sea," Simon Le Bon was not underwater for 3 years waiting to be rescued - he is indeed alive and well. If he had "died," my theory is that he would be really impersonating President Clinton (hence the allegations), because Simon Le Bon is the true English Bubba, known there as a "Charlie." In fact - and this is true - I even submitted Simon's picture to a look-alike contest in the short-lived satirical magazine, Bubba.
Q: Whatever. He's hot! And who's the cute little woman in the band?
A: You mean, the keyboardist, my favorite member, Nick Rhodes? That's not a woman.
Q: Are you sure?
A: Yes.
Q: Whoa... so did he, like, finally come out?
A:Yeah - he, Emma Thompson and Sean Penn all came out with Ellen.
Q: Why is that new guy in all the photos now?
A: The "new guy " is the guitarist, Warren Cuccurullo, and he's been with Duran Duran for 13 years.
Q: Are the three Taylors, like, brothers or something?
A: *Groan* No, Roger, Andy and John Taylor are not related. Taylor is a very common name in England - much like Smith is here.
Q: Are Roger and Andy coming back?
A: Roger and Andy have been absent from Duran Duran for over a decade. Suck it up and adjust. John is also gone, the Taylors are not returning anytime soon.
Q: Did you really write a List of Signs that Chris Carter, creator of the X-Files. is a closet Durannie?
A: Yep. And you can read it on the X-Files Musings section of my site, Aliens Ate My Corn Nuts.
Q: I can't believe you gave Chris Carter that list when you met him!
A: I certainly did. And you can read about meeting Chris Carter at Contact with the Creator.
Noah "The Middle Guy from 'Shine'" Taylor
Q: Speaking of Taylors, why do you like a skinny little twerp like Noah?
A: He's an intelligent, talented skinny little twerp with a very fascinating personality who's not afraid to make adventurous choices in films. Australia should be proud of her national treasure. And besides, he's a rather yummy little number, don't you think?
Q: But, wait - isn't he the guy from ER?
A: AHHHHHH!!!!! No, no, no. Noah Wyle - ER. Noah Taylor - Shine. If you say that to yourself enough times you might believe it.
Q: What other movie would I know him from besides "Shine"?
A: "Flirting" is a very easy movie to find - look in either drama or comedy, though, since your local video store owner probably couldn't decide where it belonged.
Q: Oh, "Flirting"! Yeah, I've seen that! I love Ben Stiller. What part did Noah play?
A: No, not "Flirting with Disaster." Just "Flirting."
Q: Oh, yeah. "Flirting." Hal Hartley is one of my favorite directors.
A: No, no, no - listen to me. Not "Flirt." "Flirting." The sequel to "The Year My Voice Broke."
Q: How come you don't have "Rushmore" listed among Noah's credits?
A: Hmm... let me think about that one... ah, because he's not in it? And, no, I don't think Jason Schwartzman looks a damn thing like him.
Q: Can I get Noah's email address from you?
A: To my knowledge, Noah Taylor does not have an email address, and I wouldn't give it out to strangers without his permission. I am the Keeper of His Unofficial Website, not His Email.
Q: You didn't really do that interview with him, did you?
A: No - I made up the entire 18-page transcript . Fooled ya, didn't I - pretty true to life, huh? I never took those wholly original photos you see - computer magic, all of them. My friend, Teresa, does not exist. This website is all an illusion. Ignore the woman behind the curtain. Jesus h. tap-dancing christ on a pogo stick, where the hell are you getting these questions?
A: You mean, like, at this moment?
Q: Well, yeah.
A: Here we go again. Actually, I'm glad you asked, because it just so happens that when I met Noah, I secretly had a metal chip implanted in his neck which now serves as a homing device. At any given moment from my home computer, I can activiate my "StudMuffin Location Device (TM)" and know exactly where Noah Taylor is anywhere on the planet. Oh, the beauty of modern technology. But seriously, where do you get these questions? (And how about that smooth "X-Files" connection, huh? ;->)
Jean Cocteau
Q: I loved his documentaries.
A: Huh?
Q: The ones about the sea.
A: You're thinking of Jacques Cousteau.
Q: Oh. Well, then, who the hell are you talking about?
A: The 20th-century Renaissance man who wrote novels, poetry, plays and film scripts; acted and directed; created art; and designed costumes and sets. Basically everything but music. Nick Rhodes once said Jean Cocteau invented the 20th century - and that, I say, is a pretty fair estimation.
Q: Jean Cocteau directed "Beauty and the Beast," right?
Q: I liked it a lot better with the dancing plates.
A: You're thinking of Disney's animated version, not to be confused with Cocteau's surreal/fantasy B+W far superior classic film of the same name.
Q: So, what's Orpheeeeee?
A: That's Orphée, you cultural cretin - Jean Cocteau's greatest film, IMHO - also known as Orpheus.
Tim Burton
Q: So, is he still dating Lisa Marie Presley?
A: Number 1, she is not the same Lisa Marie. Number 2, yes, they are still together and have been since at least 1993. But I don't keep tabs on Tim Burton's personal life.
Q: It's been a few years since the last issue of your Tim Burton fanzine Everyone Needs a Hobby. Is it ever coming back?
A: Probably not. You should probably visit the site to see the reasons.
Q: Since you used to edit a Tim fanzine, can you get me a job at Tim Burton Productions?
A: When have you ever known a fanzine or fan club to have official connections that can get you a job anywhere?
Q: Well, don't get snappy - I just asked.
A: If you realized that is possibly the single most oft-asked question I get, you'd understand. Next.
Q: Is Tim Burton, in the words of your grandmother, a nut?
A: Probably. And we love him for it.
Q: I'm beginning to understand the Noah Taylor thing now.
A: You're late. I understood from the very beginning.
Q: What do you Tim Burton fans call each other?
A: I call us Timmies...
Q: Oh, that's so adorable I'm going to puke...
A: But others use Tim-head, Burton-head. Tim Burton is not a name that's easily formatted for fan purposes.
Q: What piece of Tim Burton memorabilia are you still looking for?
A: THE ZERO PROMO BUTTON WITH THE FLASHING RED NOSE!!!! Zero, the dog, is my favorite character from "The Nightmare Before Christmas" and I have been searching for this elusive button since the release of the film. Yes, it exists. I've seen it, I've held it, but I've never been able to find one for myself. I will trade premium "Mars Attacks!" items for the button. Please email me if you're looking to sell or trade!
Q: Is it true that Tim Burton is in fact the love-child of Bob Geldof and Tom Petty?
A: Stranger things have happened. (No one's actually asked this question , BTW. It's just one of those things I came up with when I had way too much time on my hands.)
Oingo Boingo
Q: So when are they touring?
A: They've broken up.
Q: Ha, ha! No, really - they have a farewell tour like every other year. So are they having another one of those bitchin' Halloween parties?
A: No, you don't understand. They did the really and truly no f***ing around we're too old for this s**t Farewell Tour in 1995. They're not coming back. At least not as a group.
Q: Duuuuddde. Bummer. So what are they up to these days?
A: Danny Elfman, the lead singer, is still composing film scores. Steve Bartek, the lead guitarist, has been arranging for Danny for years, and has also composed for the big screen. Some of the remaining members formed a group called CID (formerly The All Stars) which performs in Los Angeles often. You can read more about their whereabouts in Eric's FAQ.
Tears for Fears
Q: So, there's only one Tear for Fear, Roland Orzabal, now, right? Heh, heh, heh.
A: Old joke. And quite lame - you know it's bad when KIIS-FM's Rick Dees has used it. You're in such esteemed company.
Q: So, is it true they're going to do an 80's tour with Duran and Culture Club?
A: Absolutely not! I love Duran, but Roland just wouldn't stoop that low. Sorry.
Jay "The guy from ACTION" Mohr
Q: And he is...?
A: The gorgeous comedian and actor to your left. Star of Fox's TV show "Action."
Q: Didn't see that one. Must have blinked.
A: Right. Okay, do you listen to Jim Rome's radio show?
Q: Not into sports. And since when are you?
A: Fandom knows know bounds. Did you watch "Saturday Night Live from '93-'95?"
Q: You mean someone actually watched "Saturday Night Live" between '93 and '95?
A: Alright, have you seen "Suicide Kings"?
Q: No.
A: Rent it. Christopher Walken and Jay Mohr - you're not allowed not to like it. But you saw "Go," right?
Q: Nope. Heard it's funny, though.
A: "Mafia!"?
Q: You gotta be kidding.
A: "Picture Perfect"?
Q: With Jennifer Aniston? Don't insult me.
A: "Paulie"?
Q: If this is the best you can do, I'm leaving.
A: Fine. "Jerry Maguire," then.
Q: Ohhhhh! Why didn't you say so?! Wait, he was in that?
A: Bob Sugar. The agent who fired Tom Cruise, which alone makes him a personal hero.
Q: Anything else?
A: Well, after that, he gets obscure...
Q: Gee. Is it true he likes the leather cherry?
A: Go see his stand-up routine to find out - trust me, he's hysterical. Before you do, be sure to visit my site to help save "Action."
X-Files
Q: What is an EXP?
A: EXP stands for Emerging X-Phile, used to describe those who are new to "The X-Files." I came up with the term when I started watching the show in the fifth season. I despise the word "newbie" and you won't catch me using it.
Q: What is your favorite episode?
A: Season 2's "One Breath," in which Scully is found in a hospital after her abduction. The plot, the writing, the cast, the direction and the cinematography are suberb. Sigh. Television just doesn't get more amazing than "One Breath."
Q: Did you really get into "The X-Files" because of your dreams?
A: Yes. Read all about them in my site, Aliens Ate My Corn Nuts, home of the infamous List of Signs that Chris Carter is a Closet Duran Duran fan, and also my account of meeting The Creator himself.
Q: Who's your favorite character?
A: Krycek, aka Nicholas Lea. Villain extraordinarire. If you've got some time, please visit my Nicholas Lea Task Force page or The Nick League and support one of his favorite charities.
Q: Thank you for those shameless plugs. What you think about Mulder and Scully getting into a relationship? You seem to bend toward the relationshippers' camp.
A: I enjoy the sexual tension in Mulder and Scully's relationship, and that's part of what keeps me watching. I'm paraphrasing, but Gillian Anderson once said that she thinks Mulder and Scully have a love for each other that goes beyond sex. I'm not a hardcore 'shipper, but I'm not diametrically opposed to the idea either - "Moonlighting" and "Silk Stalkings" precedents aside. My feeling right now is that whatever happens to their relationship, I want it to happen in the hands of competent, sensitive writers.
But, I must have a 'shipper's heart because I notice the "'shippy" moments - like the line in the episode, "Detour," where Scully tells Mulder that if it starts raining sleeping bags, he might get lucky. I think that was the moment I decided to watch the show faithfully.
Q: So, what's the "shlipper" deal all about?
A: "Slasher" is a term which describes those who often write fiction about, male/male or female/female relationships they perceive in the show. "Slash" fiction originated with "Star Trek" fanfiction and the word literally refers to the slash in, for instance, "Mulder/Krycek." Interestingly enough, most of the people who write slash are heterosexual women.
I personally believe that that Mulder/Scully relationship isn't the only place to look for UST (Unresolved Sexual Tension). So, I made up the term "shlipper" to describe the whopping grand total of 5 of us in the X-Phile world who count themselves as both shippers and slashers.
Q: Do Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny get along?
A: I wouldn't know and couldn't care less. The party line is that they do. I would think they do to work so closely together, though it's been suggested more than once that possible tension between them keeps the show interesting. But again, the only reason I would ever care is if it affected or threatened the future of the show.
Q: Well, how did you get so involved in the show - joining mailing lists and setting up websites like a hardcore fan?
A: I started watching the show avidly, and I wanted to understand what was going on - get the gaps filled in. So I joined. Simple as that.
Q: See, that's where you depart from most people. Most people would have said, "I'll give it one more try and then screw it," but you get so involved.
A: I guess that's the philosophy major in me. ;->
Q: So, uh, heh, heh - what's your philosophy, baby?
A: That's the worst pick-up line since "what's your sign." Get away from my website, you creep!
"If you're not part of the freaks, you're part of the boredom." Perry Farrell, Jane's Addiction
Emile: All my friends are freaks. Aisling: Oh, and you're the exception.
Steve: Your friends love a good obession, don't they?
"What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!" - Source unknown.
"I have a recurring dream of hanging out with Adrock at a party sippin' black and tans and puffin' MAD DANK!!" - from Freak No.2's "Best Of" list of quotes from the Beastie Boys Mailing List.
I need to make money. I have expensive tastes. I like expensive condoms. Yes, I said I like expensive condoms. You can't enter the club unless you are properly dressed. - Paula
"While were were vacationing in Cambria, a sea lion walked up to my daughter and ate her socks. She was quite upset." - a co-worker.
12. X-Files University President Amy was the one who pushed me to break with tradition and expand beyond the original Top 10. I just keep attracting these freaks! For her Push-It-Real-Good obsession (only a freak could be that obsessed with a character who's only appeared twice on a show). For having a father who openly admits to finding Antonio Banderas HOT. Driving her car into the garage without taking the bike off the rack has certainly earned her freak points. Well, Amy, you've been trying for months to get out of that honorable mention category and, girl, you made it: admitting to loving the Backstreet Boys sent you right over the edge.
11. E.beth. She's almost too normal to be on this list, but I figure if she's my friend, there's got to be a bit of freak in her. Oh, she thinks everyone in Pulp and Blur are straight. That's freaky. When she visited me in LA for the first time, did she want to go to the beach? Noooo. She begged me to take her and her friend, Sheri, to the Bonaventure Hotel, "the birthplace of post-modernism." Upon hearing the line-up for this list, e.Beth commented: "I would have thought Eileen would be first."
10. Kelly. My Timmy buddy whom I managed to convince that Christopher Walken is the hottest man on the planet. Anyone that easily influenced has got to be a freak of the first order. And she met her husband through my Tim Burton fanzine pen-pal ads - and no, my match-making services are not for hire!
9. Teresa. I think when her mother cleaned the chicken in Tide before it was fried - when she was a child - it left her permanently scarred. When she complains that food doesn't taste good, Stella and I ask her if it's because she misses the April Fresh flavoring. January 2000 update: She admitted that she used to chase it down with turpentine.
8. Kathleen. A Baby Boomer, recovering hipster and practicing Buddhist who's been there, seen it all and knows everyone. In her collection are unpublished pictures 2 feet away from the Beatles before they were famous ("On the radio they announced this band was going to be at the airport - so I figured what the hell"), a photo of Muhammad Ali in bed, among others chronicling the world history of the last 30 years. I wouldn't be surprised if she had leftover Zapruder footage gathering dust somewhere under her bed ("Oh, that old thing?"). Lives a life of legal polygamy (don't ask). What pushed her into the Halls of Freakdom is her wish to buy eye contacts... in different colors... to wear at the same time. Her reasoning: "I think every woman should have fun."
7. Stella. A 35 year-old woman who looks like a 16-year-old, and strangely enough, never uses it to her advantage. Lives in LA and doesn't drive ("I'm fine with driving as long as there's no traffic on the road.") Very self-contained, laughs at people who cry at movies. Refuses to see "The Wizard of Oz" because she can't stand Liza Minnelli. Out of all my friends, Stella's the one whom I suspect is an alien.
6. Tammy. Oh, freak, freak, freak, freak, freak. Oingo Boingo fan, which automatically means she's a freak squared. She befriended a woman who thought she was a vampire and it took months to convince Tammy that something was inherently wrong with this.
5. Phil. A Canadian freak who threatened to sue if his name appeared on this list, and just won't own up to the fact that he's a freak. Phil speaks his own language - it's called Non-Sequitur. Here's the best: Phil didn't know there was going to be an X-Files movie opening in June 1998 until I told him - on MAY 29TH!!! Also, Phil had the utter gall to rip from Jean Cocteau for a music video he directed. You can email me to give him a piece of your mind for that egregious offense, and I'll pass on the word.
4. Michele. Also speaks in Non-Sequitur. And has a bird-call for a license plate. Example of a typical conversation I'll have with Michele: I tell her that an official Tim Burton website is being created and the Timmy newsgroup is being asked for suggestions for what we'd like to see on it. Michele's response: "YOUR HEAD ON A PLATTER!!" See, she's funny, but really weird. Her mom didn't seem to think her placement on the list was particularly suprising. Michele still doth protests that she's not a weirdo.
3. Eileen. Where to begin... her reputation precedes her. A Duran Duran fan extraordinaire, who's met and partied with them more times than anyone cares to remember. If all the rumors were true, which they are not, she'd still be in jail for various misdeeds, including climbing Duran's gates and terrorizing their children. None of this is true, but she did once quit a job because she was not allowed to take time off to go to a Duran concert. Received ticket for excessive honking, fought it and won. Holds the distinct honor of being the only non-gay-male fan to find Tom "Amadeus" Hulce devastatingly attractive. Go figure. She's also the No. 1 fan of the potato. The things she's mentioned she would do to a potato if it were human just can't be repeated on this website. Oh, and her mother collects popcorn poppers - what's up with that? The apple never falls far from the tree.
2. Jade. For achieving the remarkable feat of vaulting from the No.4 position to No.2 in the course of one conversation just by squealing until my ears bled over the prospect of meeting Kevin Smith at a signing - and she finds it amazing she beat out Teresa. My friend and partner in arrested development, she loves bad movies - particularly anything starring the two Coreys - but for some reason Spiceworld is beneath her standards. She dreams of creating a website dedicated to the subject of cheese, and finds the prospect of meeting Rozzie's alien friend exciting. For being excited at the prospect of the world's first igloo hotel (in Finland). For thinking Steve Buscemi is hot - though she denies vehemently the attraction is physical. Anyone who's heard her answering machine message ("All Hail Steve Buscemi") knows better. Has an unhealthy obsession with office supplies.
1. Rozzie. Queen Bee Freak, for considering it an honor that she's topped the list of this esteemed group. For knowing freaks that put mine to shame - namely the friend who thinks he's an alien. For this reason he thinks he'll one day be abducted and brought back home. Meanwhile, he lives on a diet of blue-green algae. Rozzie's No. 1 also for being a Goth Durannie - and a twin one at that. And driving 14 hours with me to go watch a Noah Taylor movie. She agrees with me that Christopher Walken looks sexy in "Sleepy Hollow." Upon hearing she topped the list, her first question was, "So, Eileen's on there, right?"
Honorable mention (work on it, guys): Melissa, the real Ally McBeal, for finding me funny; Sherri for using words like "mojo" in her daily language (years before Austin Powers); Sean, the white homeboy who begged to be on this list. Serge, because he checks this site everyday to see if he's made the list. Hi, Serge. Kelsi, who swears she isn't a freak. She's just surrounded by them. Yah, sure. Kristen, for likening Krispy Kreme donuts to crack. Kim, my childhood friend, who believed in telekinesis and reincarnation when she was five. See? It really has always been this way.
Q: So where do you fit on this list, ya big freak?
A: Beneath Jade, I know that. And probably above Eileen. ;-> I'm not out there buying different-colored contacts, though.
Read my Dreambook! Sign my Dreambook!