The General's Daughter

Pity me. Pity me a lot. I saw this cliched, horribly written, mess of a movie THREE times. If, after reading the end of the Eyes Wide Shut review, you thought Piccalo was a nasty, no-feeling whore, seeing this craphole of a film three times, simply to make my Hutton-obsessed friend happy, should nominate me for sainthood once again. Oh, it's hard to know what to attack first, so plentiful are the flaws. We could start with the audience, who without being Hutton-obsessed or having a close friend who is, have no excuse for making this one of the summer's big hits. Shame on you and your thirst for mediocrity. Then we could move on to Travolta, whose thick-necked, slurred-worded, TelePrompTer-needing ass is starting to really get on my nerves. Who the hell do you think you are, pal? You think you are delivering something so special to deserve the ludicrous star perks you demand? Well, let me tell you something, your performances are phoned in these days, your movies are shit, and you should really get some new fucking dentures so you can open your goddamn mouth when you speak. After Travolta, we could move on to the actual script. I haven't the foggiest who wrote this thing, but he needs dialogue help. Badly. Many many lines hurt to hear, and you can't help wondering how the actors uttered them without stopping and screaming, "NO ONE WOULD EVER SAY THIS. I FEEL LIKE A FUCKING ASSHOLE!" And you look like one too. The story involves the murder of the daughter of a highly respected general who is about to go into politics. Secrets unfold. Daughter was a slut. Daddy covered some stuff up. James Woods thinks we're rude. So on and so forth. Then the ending rolls around and of course, the murder ends up having almost nothing to do with all the secrets we've so recently discovered. Not that you'll care, since you'll be snoozing in your seats long before this. I don't want to ruin the ending for anyone, so I'll just say this: Timothy Hutton is the killer and he blows himself up at the end with a Bouncing Betty, which is not a doll, contrary to popular belief. Enjoy the show.


