Because I was not allowed to speak at the funeral of Donnie Maleriamax, I would like to share some parting words for the record.

The funeral just tore me up inside. Poor, poor Donnie. His life's work sabotaged by lazies, his body burned alive, and his funeral disgraced by his beligerent friends. It was not a beautiful funeral. Burn victims should not have an open-casket. But becasue none of us know anything about the Maleriamax family, these decisions were left up to Walt, who made them badly.

There are those that suspect foul play in Donnie's death, but let me tell you, the true crime of Donnie's death is that his life was ruined weeks before the fiery crash.

Without doubt, Donnie was the most dedicated All-Star. It is hard work synthesizing Walt Meadornack's Un-Ideas into Action. Not to mention, Donnie ran the web site, catalogued the tapes, did mixing, and owned much of our equipment (remember that Walt himself only owns a trumpet). The final summer of 1999 is strong evidence of Donnie's convictions--doing several, at least FOUR! works with Walt, with little or NO assistance from the rest of us. The rest of us, cop outs and lazies; sourpuss sulky sulks with no more time for what once was our life. It proved that unity was the All-Stars greatest asset, and laziness and physical space weakened the allegiance until Donnie was holding up the infrastructure all by himself.

Donnie didn't die in that car that night. That was some soulless shell. The physical vessel of Donnie was emptied when all his hopes and spirit were smashed under the weight of the unholy hell that is life without the All-Stars.

It is my fault too- BUT HARDLY! Others are more to blame.

What kind of activities proved to be more important to the All-Stars in its final days?

** Charles Lift; slinging your axe for Walt's cause was not as important as a career in wrestling pigs at state fairs?
** Poppie Asdersonk; what kind of memoires can a man have that has not seen daylight in 5 years?
** Stu Exsavieres; wearing the big Smurf suit at King's Island is no life mission!
** Naveen; Admit you have a problem, seek help, and get out of Las Vegas as fast as you can!
** Miss Jenny; I hope you're real happy spending the rest of your miserable life with that mysterious Mr. Schwayder.
** And as for this Schwayder- I never met the guy.
** Robbie Hartferson; once Donnie's ptrotege, you've abandoned the Sciences of Meadornackian Altruism. Shame!
** Bobbi; you should have left us a long time ago. No hard feelings.
** Ned; I heard that guy has 14 kids, and takes "Sanitation Pills" in place of regular bathing, just like Elvis used to. Weirdo.
** And Burt . . . it was a terribly sad day when Burt confided in Donnie, Walt, and I, that he felt he had nothing more to contribute and took a passive role in our efforts from then on. It lifted my spirits to see him shine so brightly at the funeral as he did- his final testament laid to rest by Donnie's side. The thought of those moments moistens my optical orbits!

But what a terrible mistake we all made leaving Donnie to work alone with Walt. That kind of exposure could destroy any man. We should have thought better of this. The break-up was hardest on Donnie, no doubt about it. His last friend abandoning the last fragments of the cause. I would like to rebuild the mighty fortress that was once the Stars of All, but what chance would I have without Donnie's dedication and intellectual contributions. No chance, thats what.

But on my own, I vow to continue my efforts to poison the flavorless cultural ground water with the rancid ideas that were developed under the un-leadership of Walt, with so much help from the late Donnie. To honor his memory, I make this vow.

Good night, sweet prick. It sucks that you died.

-Slippy Breadstick