This page is just a smorgasbord of things that tickled my funny bone when I was in various Pretender groups. Generally, they're the comments and posts that make me snort with laughter unexpectedly as I read them. If I then re-read them and still laugh, I usually put them in here.
These are all random and on most of them, you can probably figure out what context they're in.
Most recent entries are at the bottom of the page
A) Jarod: <puzzled frown> A chicken crossing a road? <head tilt> Does that
happen very often?
Drew - this one was my fav-o-rite thanks for the laugh.
Raines: "<wheeze>There is no more chicken. From now on he is to be called
<wheeze><pause>Turkey<wheeze>"
::sitting in a darkened room, in a chicken costume, an 11 year old Jarod stares
at a large screen tv showing a road::
Nirvana said :
Quick Question :
>guess my absolute devotion to Miss Parker would seem very strange, given
No. Not strange at all. Why do you think I went from "hey, maybe
>Much as I like MTW to look at, his acting style doesn't impress me,
Well, give me a week or 2 alone with the guy undisturbed somewhere and
>I started watching
sadistic? oh dear..... I hadnt realised that they did "Jarod the IRS
PS - there was a wonderful duct tape moment on a series called "Once a
>First you unscrew it, then lick....
That didn't come out right. :)
>How about: copies of Little Women and racing video games?
You're so right, CH! Video games for girls, Little Women for boys. You
>exec producer Craig van Sickle, "we have one where Jarod penetrates this
Ohmigod! Jarod's coming to where I work >It's *gotta* be Lyle! Angelo would be so boring, not to mention
And especially not to mention MP always winning at the game 'Thumbs'.
with Miss Parker being rather devoted to her family (grief, you
....grief, I am such a dullard that I cannot even think of even of one of
....it is quite unfortunate that TPTB saw it fit to do away with Kyle so
Oh come *on* now! Surely you've heard a million thumb-free jokes, as
Now, of course, my theory stays the same... J's black coat is like a heat
Has anyone seen that toothpaste commercial with Mr. Lyle? It was so
Since i'm distantly related to Ann Landers' housekeepers' best friends'
Why not try slowly establishing a closer relationship with AndreaPicture
I was particularly interested in the way Jarod drained the blood from
>>Sorry--if i could, i'd fly out to L.A. and grab that cigarette right out
>The thought of someone doing this to *MP* makes me LOL. We could get
Well, since both Ap *and* MP are about a foot taller than I, but at 108
>OK, I've got Matt down for two elbows. I myself am leaning toward a short,
Not in the chest, no. She was aiming a bit lower the last time we saw
And I like the idea of Syd bombing something else this time next year (the
I think both Broots and Jarod, under 'normal' circumstances,
What Angelo would do behind the wheel is anyone's guess.
>Not really, because not even a state trooper would have a better
driving
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! He said... he.. he... Bwahahahaha
>Gar cannot die because *I* will not
Unfortunately, I feel a new theory coming on (like the flu) . . . .
*Suppose* that the real reason Jarod ran downstream to SL 27 was that he
"Hey, time to Par-Teee! OK, Centre-ites and Centre-weinies, it's that
Be there or be square!
(BYOB--participates with last names with an even number of letters are
So Gar *might* be there, pressed into service working the bar.
Also, this could explain the bomb. Maybe Syd just didn't want to 'ante
Or, could the "explosion" actually be Syd's home made disco smoke
"Sing a little song.
....I was just wondering how many of you here have PRETENDER PARTIES
a few complaints.. ya know.. the usual.. not enough frontal nudity of jarod..
In this weeks TV Guide on page 29, an article titled Costume Confessions,
anyone watch Wind on Water?....was it
Posting spoilers is fine but supplying a warning is hardly going to kill
Yes, but we must do one other thing. We must Duct tape our front door with the
Xena is such a popular costume this year. The hit of the Gay and Lesbian
He could be one of the bartenders at Studio 54--completely and always
whoo-hoo!!!
Well, that sucks. No body puts together a welcome basket with quite the
>I'd also like to annouce that I won't be around for two weeks starting on
We'll just start now, if you don't mind, Kenny. So, what's the theory on
I can't really "bare" with you though. I make it a point to never get
I was bummed that Jarod didn't get a hook-up this episode.
I'm not from Europe, but I can speak French like this "Ov coarse I um
Yeah, no kidding. Who wants to see a bunch of "me too"'s?!? That would be
AAARRRGGGHHH!!! I just did a "me too" and bored myself!
>And let's imagine what the compatriots on tP might consider to art up their
OK: Raines definitely has an embarrassing tattoo: perhaps 'Mom' in a
Broots has 'Gates Rulz' on his right bicep and 'Forever Nerd' on his
Syd? I would guess that at a very young age he had one wild night and
Daddy Parker was never a Marine but it once suited his purposes to have
Lyle? I can't picture Mr Style putting anything on his perfect skin,
And MP? Well, she thought about butterflies, roses, cute little girly
Jeannie (Who plans to pitch a script to NBC where she stars as Mr. Lyle's
I think the only way a bedroom scene would work for tP is if: after the
I would only care if I found out that she [MP] had a really big crush on me,
Unless, of course, you are my mother (you're not, are you?), in
>Kenny--janitor
Oh my god! He killed Kenny! You bastard!
>Did anyone else note that, in order to apply to fake tattoos, MTW's
>OK--is this a tough gig, or what? Imagine the poor makeup girl who was
>I once used a fake one and I couldn't get it to stick until I *licked*
>Just *think* about having to that in the course of your makeup job!
>
>Like i said, she has my sympathy . . . .
Hey, it was a tough job, but somebody had to do it. The money wasn't too
Oh, and there's absolutely no gratuitous sex in this post. (Oh, baby!)
>I'm trying to get a more detailed 'feeling' as to what Jarod would feel
Probably what all men do in that situation. To wit:
1) Toss condoms remaining in wallet on the theory they are all
2) Have fond fantasies of A Little Me. Enjoy that for about 3.8 seconds,
3) Scream
4) Look at bank balance. Wonder if you don't have 'something saved up'
5) Re-scream
6) Call mother with the 'good news' and a feeler to see if you, new wife
(OK--maybe Jarod has unlimited funds and can't call his mom, so
Broots actually looks scared in the pursuit for Jarod, but in reality,
>Ah, well. That's the story of my TV viewing experience. Everytime I find
....ack! Stop Watching "The Pretender" Now :p ....oh wait...oh, okay you
>There's others from the past, but these are the most recent. And if
.....uh-oh...maybe you'd better stop watching this one too....just to be
>BTW, does anyone have any thoughts about how Jarod kidnapped DP. Did he
Maybe he just lured him with his magical flute! - Just like in Smurf's and
>Here's that great article....enjoy!!!
Y - M - C - A it's fun to stay at the Y - M - C - A....young man young man you
>>All I can say is why couldn't [Michael T. Weiss] be in Vegas when I am going in
>Colleen, maybe you could move up your reservations. What's a few
Yeah - I guess I could move up my 40th b-day for Michael. LOL
Note: This is from a screening of Michael T. Weiss's newest movie, Until the Night, screened on June 14, 2004 in Las Vegas
Michael thanked a few people in the front row (I think they
Note: This is from a screening of Michael T. Weiss's newest movie, Until the Night, screened on June 14, 2004 in Las Vegas
By now he was starting to walk down the hall pretty fast (hopefully cause he
Note: This is from a screening of Michael T. Weiss's newest movie, Until the Night, screened on June 14, 2004 in Las Vegas
one would wonder why he would
Note: This is from a screening of Michael T. Weiss's newest movie, Until the Night, screened on June 14, 2004 in Las Vegas
I was missing getting stuck in traffic for hours by just
>I wonder why he introduced himself [as Michael T.] that way. Does he go by
Maybe he's gonna put out a rap album....Michael T....."Pretending"....lol!
This version of my Pretender Miscellaneous Sayings page was born on July 15, 2002
Sarah - this one also made me laugh out loud
(I really do need to stop reading this NG at work
My attempt...hmmm...
"I don't know Sydney, the chicken wants to cross the road, but I just don't
know WHY he wants to cross...."
"Try Jarod. <pause> You can do it. Why does the chicken have to cross?"
"But Sydney," ::shakes his head in frustration::
"TRY Jarod."
::An idea comes to Jarod and he looks up at Sydney in anticipation:: "Does he
need to get to the other side?"
"Veerrry good, Jarod"
::a dark figure in the corner nods, and walks away::
*who can't look at MTW properly without getting a ghastly flashback to
Jeffery :p*
How do you look at MTW "properly" ;-)
>her rather cold, heartless and unemotional exterior :-)
this Pretender thing might be a good diversion occasionally" to "tP is on,
if you talk, I'll just have no choice but to kill you...at the next
commercial break, that is..."? :)
>especially the nasty little whine he always uses when teasing MP.
>
>As Roberta would say "off with his shirt" so we can see his real talent.
I'll give The List an intelligent opinion--based on meticulously
acquired data--on whether the whine is pure Michael or Acting At It's
Finest!
>the series 4 or 5 episodes after it began (and a great show it
>is too--always look forward to the weekend to see what kind of
>fantastic, new, sadistic punishment Jarod can come up with :)
consultant".....
Thief" that is on in South Africa at the moment, had to admit I thought of
you strange people the moment he started taping her up :-)
>
>That was good! Really good, considering that you considered both genders.
are SO politically correct! I'm so proud! ;-)
>sinister law firm that's controlling people's lives."
>Hallmarkish. Besides, MP's bro being lyle would open the door for
>endless, tasteless thumb-free jokes . . .
could get her to dance Scottish reel just by telling her, "Your mother
would have done it" *g*)
those ". . . tasteless thumb-free jokes"...unless of course by
"thumb-free" you meant jokes in which thumbs are nowhere mentioned *g*
quickly....one can just see Creepy Jarod and Kyle in a police interrogation
room with some guy 'who done did wrong' and Creepy Jarod, in his own
special little way, is scaring the bejeezus out the suspect, who in an
attempt to hide that fact, remarks sarcastically, "Oh wait , bad cop. good
cop right? And lemme guess he's [ pointing to Kyle who is just sitting
there, watching them, with something that could be interpreted as a
concerned look on his face --- actually he's just worried that the guy is
going spill his guts before he (Kyle) gets to have any fun] the good cop"
..whereupon Kyle grabs him by the collar, slams him against the wall and
says, (with a manaical gleam in his eyes) "Guess again"
have we all. Just as one example, the one that starts out: "How many
thumbless guys does it take to change a light bulb?" Or, how about: "So
this thumbless guy walks into a bar . . . " Oh, and i bet this one rings
a bell: "There was this thumbless girl who insisted on wearing her
Walkman while getting her haircut, and . . . "
insulator, and he expands it and protects everybody (except for Raines of course)
from the blast. We learn the deepest secret of The Centre - J is in fact Bruce
Wayne aka Batman. Meanwhile, as the flames are engulfing everybody, J starts to
make out with MP, who slaps him on the face and says "bastard!" Of course, she
can't resist, so she starts to grope him right back, and as they're getting
rather hot(er) and sweat(ier) J pulls away and smacks her one right back saying
"I can even pretend to want you!" By this time the flames are finished passing
the bat coat, and J noticing the spite in MP's eyes stands quickly and runs away,
running through one of the air ducts that leads out of The Centre (but don't they
all?). Once again J escapes the awesome security of The Centre... not quite
like the Pentagon is it?
So now, a ticked off MP tries harder then ever to catch J to beat him up, torture
him, and finally kill him. And, at that time tP show will end, and spinning off
from it will be the MP show. All AP all the time. What's wrong with that? Hey,
I'd watch it.
funny to see him smiling and taking about how white his teeth were
because of Aquafresh toothpaste! I kept expecting him to lose it and
start torturing someone.
proctologist, I feel competent to offer the following 'marital'
counseling:
in a way that will take her by surprise and charm her with it's innocent
mock-spontaneity? For example, bang your head against the opposite side
of the wall AndreaPicture is nearest to (while listening to the new
Marilyn Manson/Sinatra duets that were recently discovered and released
as "Old Blue Eyes Goes Goth") until she falls to the floor. This gives
you the perfect opportunity to not only comfort her--showing her your
warm-and-fuzzy side--but also to be a real guy and take care of her!
Suggest a shopping trip to buy her not just a new frame, but *several*,
so she can have a different outfit for every day of the week. Go ahead
and splurge--Tiffany's has a nice, elegant and understated frame in
platinum set with tasteful rubies and diamonds that she'd *adore*! On
the way home from shopping, stop for tofu burgers and Merlot. Offer to
help her 'settle in' to her new frame for the night. Have a bottle of
Cristal chilled to celebrate her 'new look'.
Fenigor's chest with the water bottle and straw. I am not qualified to do
that procedure but now that I have seen it done, I feel certain that I can
do it if I am held hostage sometime.
>>of AP's hand.
>another pool going. Which body part would she shatter first, elbow or
>kneecap?
lbs I suspect I outweigh them, it might be a draw. I'm short and quick
and fight way nasty. However, they've got me on reach and leverage.
Still, the *vast* weight advantage would definately work in my favor . .
>sharp headbutt. But no matter what action MP first takes, I think we could
>all agree on the *last* thing she'd do. Once the offender is sprawled on
>the floor, Angel would be sure to grind her stiletto into his chest.
her do this sort of thing. :-)
White House perhaps)....
would be moderate, considerate drivers.
>record than I, because if he did (which is impossible), then he
would not
>have become a state trooper. Remember, that I am the exception of all
>rules and exclusions, which can be mind-boggling, at times.
exception?...HAHAHA. Oh.. Oh... hahahahaha omigawd..
ithurtsithurts.... Oh dear.
Young Chi Hyon, you've got *a LOT* to learn...
BWahahahahaha...
Okay.. okay.. my apologies
>allow it!!!! Besides, he was not in SL27 unless TPTB decide he was
>during the explosion but he wasn't there in Bloodlines.
>Gar fans of the world UNITE!!!!!
had recently gotten a party invitation as email? And suppose it said
this:
time again! It's 'Cuddles' Raines B-Day, everybody, and Dr Billy has
invited *you* to ring out his old year and blow in his new year
(yeah--you too, Monica!) with a massively awesome, totally, like, Yowza
party on SL 27!
asked to bring chips, pez or spam. Participates with last names ending
in an odd number of letters are asked to bring nachos, twinkies and
Raspberry Royale donuts. Participates with actual, verified first names
are asked to bring a keg of Sam Adams. This means *you* Sydney, you
cheapo--ante up!)"
up'? Stranger things have happened (on series TV) . . . .
machine gone sadly awry?
Do a little dance.
Make a little love:
Get down tonight!
Get down tonight!"
instead of Halloween parties in October..where (amongst other fun things)
everyone dresses up and pretends to be someone/thing else?.......
there is an interesting quote. Some actor, Michael T. Weiss, of The
Pretender, says, "To be honest, I don't like Halloween. I have to dress up
every single day, play different characters all the time. The idea of a
costume on my day off is not appealing. I guess you could say I'm the
Scrooge of Halloween." Does anyone know anything about this actor and the
show? Worth watching? Hee Hee!!
even worse than you thought it would be.....did you ever think admitting
that you actually watched WoW would be the bravest thing you ever did in
your entire life? ;p ..... (WoW sounds like a bleedin' pro-wrestling show
doesn't it? ....Wackos of Wrestling) ....
anyone --- but just in case, let me know where I can send my regrets and
the flowers ;p
tape facing out. This way, when the little kiddies come with their scary
costumes that you can't see, because they're wearing coats, they'll walk right
into the duct tape and get stuck. Without any effort on our part, they will be
unable to knock, or even scream "We know you're in there - open up and give me
some friggin' candy!" Well, at least, that's how other people got me when I went
trick-or-treating last year. And no, 25 isn't too old.
Mardi Gras Parade in Sydney this year was most definitely the hundreds
of dancing Xenas.
SHIRTLESS!!!!!!
>I regretty annouce that I will have to resign from my post as the Official
>List Welcomer as I really don't have the time to do it anymore.
diversity, whimsey and occassional downright whackiness of Ken's! I
always enjoyed the broken Pez, which are not only amusing (how *does*
one break a Pez? They are pretty hard little nuggets, aren't they?) but
also fit thru a modem nicely.
>the 22nd of November, so you can talk about me all you want.
why Ken is too busy, suddenly? Hot new love affair? Big promotion? Or
did his boss finally find out about that nasty business with the
Schnauzer, Duct Tape, Scary Spice and an un-named Royal?
naked in a group. :-)
Poor guy is gonna burst.
I too was pretty bummed by this episode. Kinda boring. What was the whole
story behind Mr. Lyle? Was it all just to make him look more like a jerk?
Hey Producers, we get it - he's a meanie. Bad mean nasty Mr. Lyle. Let it
rest and just have Miss Parker and Brigitte mud wrestle while he's the ref.
Now that's an episode worth watching over and over and over (oh yeah, and
Jarod lies around at the beach topless).
Fronsh. Con't you tell by zees outragesh accent?"
Chics dig it.
kinda boring.
>bods...
>Maybe we could have semi-permanent honorary 'toos for the week?
heart, although it's so ancient and withered you'd be hard-pressed to
read it--it now looks more like 'Man'--and who would want to get close
enough?
chest--in a rectangle done very nicely to look *exactly* like a pocket
protector.
decided to have 'Born Too Loose' tattooed on his butt. Unfortunately,
that damned accent of his--plus speech slurred by party beverages--led
the tattoo artist to think he'd asked for 'Born To Lose'. Since Syd
can't really see it, himself, he still thinks it is correctly
worded--and that he is *very* cool--and the discovery of this bizarre
and inexplicable tattoo was really why Michele dumped him and left the
Centre.
others think so, so he's got a 'Semper Fi'.
although 'Jarod' in a heart pierced by a flaming black arrow and
surrounded by handcuffs is starting to tempt him.
tattoos but instead went with a well-endowed naked man being strangled
by a boa constrictor with 'I Always Get My Man' underneath. *Where* she
has this tattoo, I leave for others to ponder.
love interest, loves him and leaves as he begs for more!)
ahemmm... scene, Jarod says something stupid (like all guys, well, okay
fine, just me), and then Miss Parker gets really mad and starts slapping him
around. Then he gives her a spanking for being a naughty girl. Then, Jarod
falls asleep (like all guys, well, okay fine, just me) and Miss Parker
dresses him up in all this weirdo bondage stuff like in the magazines
Roberta gets at home (like all Witch1's do). he ties him up to the bed
(well, okay, uses handcuffs) and leaves him in his studded leather with one
of those zipper mask thingy's all alone (with a sticky note on his forehead
of course). Now that would be good.
which I think she does. Of course then I'd have to deal with her stalking
me, all the love poems and the flowers and gifts that arrive at my door
everyday. Then I'd have to take a day off from work to go get a restraining
order, which costs about $50, not including the money I'd lose while being
away from work! Now that you mention it, I don't care either.
which case I'm a virgin - always have been - always will be!!! (Mind you,
so is she... :) )
>Damon--killer; also killed Kenny (in DSA)
>chest was shaved?
>
>forced to not only shave his chest, but then slowly, carefully,
>pain-stakingly apply those pesky tattoos.
>
>the area on my forearm where i wanted it.
>
bad either, I only had to pay them $5000 and forego having my name in the
credits.
None. (Don't stop!) I don't believe in that stuff. (God, you are so . .
. so . . . ) It rots your brain. (Oh! Oh!!) Also, its immoral and nasty
and it messes your hair up. (Oh, god, oh!!! Oooooooo . . . . ) It
certainly has no place in a fine show like tP that is about wholesome
stuff like child abduction and abuse, corporate greed and corruption,
vengeance that borders on sadism, seductive clothing and behavior as a
metaphor for power, serial killers, unrepentant murderers of all types,
people getting thumbs lopped off or being shot or blown up or
jump-started with a DieHard battery . . . you know, the kind of stuff
that *belongs* on TV. Unlike sex. Which doesn't. (Oh, please, baby, just
one more time for momma . . . )
>or do etc... when he finds out he is going to be a father...
officially too old to trust
until you remember just what a total terror you really were as a kid
that you don't remember. Realize you don't
and kid can't move into the garage for 'awhile'.
eliminate #'s 4 and 6 and repeat #'s 3 and 5 instead)
that's a cover up. He's been the caped crusader who has been helping Jarod
all along. He dons his pink cape and tights (Debbie did the wash again)
and goes on his crusade as "Super Brootise" to defend the weak and the
innocent with Jarod! Da da da daaaa!
>a show that I actually like, it's cancelled.
may watch it -but you are not permitted to like it '^-^ <whew!>
>ratings on Cupid don't pick up, I'm sure they'll cancel that, too.
safe *g*
>sneak into The Centre and take DP from his office or catch him outside The
>Centre? Interesting to speculate.
the magical flute. Shut up, it could happen!
>TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT, FOLKS!!!!!! I'm so excited, I just can't hide it, I'm
>about to lose control & quite frankly, I think I like it!!!! :-) Dave
don't have to shy...young man young man you can hang out with all the boys...
OOPS, sorry, I thought we were doing 70s disco karaoke.
>>December. Now I'm bummed.
>months anyhow? lol
were part of the film crew, etc.) and then mentioned loudly to
someone across the aisle that he needed to run up to his room to "weee".
(Always the adult our Michael. *LOL*)
really really had to go and not because of me! *LOL*) but it was
kind of funny cause one of the last things he did was turn around
and say "Oh, my name is Michael T" (like he didn't realize I already
knew who he was.) I just couldn't help myself -- I smiled a really
really big smile and said "Oh, I KNOW who YOU are..." and he
laughed, turned and kept going til he was around the corner and out
of sight...
introduce himself to someone who knows who he is!! maybe he
was "pretending" no one knew his name huh?
small margins. (Someone up there watches out for fools, young
children and film fans...)
>that normally, do you think?
Last Update: June 28, 2004
