Note: this is a parody of the Charge of the Goddess, which goes like so:
Listen to the words of the Great Mother, who of old was called
Artemis, Astarte, Dione, Melusine, Aphrodite, Cerridwen, Diana,
Arienrhod, Brigid, and by many other names:
Whenever you have need of anything, once in the month, and better
it be when the moon is full, you shall assemble in some secret
place and adore the spirit of Me who is Queen of all the Wise. You
shall be free from slavery, and
as a sign that you be free you shall be naked in your rites. Sing,
feast, dance, make music and love, all in My presence, for Mine is
the ecstasy of the spirit and Mine also is joy on earth. For My
law is love unto all beings. Mine is the secret that opens upon
the door of youth, and Mine is the cup of wine of life that is the
Cauldron of Cerridwen that is the holy grail of immortality. I give
the knowledge of the spirit eternal and beyond death I give peace
and freedom and reunion with those that have gone before. Nor do
I demand aught of sacrifice, for behold, I am the mother of all
things and My love is poured upon the earth."
Hear the words of the Star Goddess, the dust of whose feet are the
hosts of heaven, whose body encircles the universe:
I who am the beauty of the green earth and the white moon among
the stars and the mysteries of the waters, I call upon your soul
to arise and come unto Me. For I am the soul of nature that gives
life to the universe. From Me all things proceed and unto Me they
must return. Let My worship be in the heart that rejoices, for
behold -- all acts of love and pleasure are My rituals. Let there
be beauty and strength, power and compassion, honor and humility,
mirth and reverence within you. And you who seek to know Me, know
that your seeking and yearning will avail you not, unless you know
the Mystery: for if that which you seek, you find not within
yourself, you will never find it without. For behold, I have been
with you from the beginning, and I am that which is attained at
the end of desire.
But the Kvetch goes like so:
Come, kinderlech, come, nosh a bissel, sit and listen to your Mama, She Who Knows
Best--what do you mean, why do I know best? Because I'm you're mother, that's why! Now sit
and listen, after all the aggravation I've had with you! Oy! But you're a good kid, so I don't
mind all the tsoris. Of course, it would help if you were going to school for a real degree ...
Oy, what was I going to say? You made me lose track. Oh yes...Sit and listen to your Mama,
who has been known by many names, oy, so many names, if I sat here and listed them all, we'd
be here all day, so I won't bother you; after all, why should a mother ever bother her children?
Now, whenever you have need of anything, and of course even if you don't need anything, you
can always call me. It's not that hard to pick up a telephone, is it? But you do, so I don't
complain. But at least once a month, is that so much to ask? And do it at the full moon, that's
best; that way there's light, and you won't kill yourself wandering out in those woods, God
forbid. So get together, have a cup of tea and some cookies, so you won't be hungry, first, and
then meet in some place people won't see you and the mishegoss you do, and realize you really
are meshuggeneh, and adore the spirit of Me, She Who Really Does Know Best. I will not have
my children be slaves--you will be free, whether you want to or not, because if you really loved
me, you would do it--and as a sign of this--what, you really think I would tell you to get
undressed? Fine Mother I would be, to tell you, go get pneumonia in the woods! Stupid idea, to
be freezing cold in the middle of nowhere, without a stitch of clothing on! And I didn't raise my
children to be idiots! No, what you should do is, get out the charge cards, that's what they're
there for, and get some clothes you won't be ashamed of, something that's newer than the yard
sale from two years ago. You're a bigshot, you can afford it--and of course if you see something
that might fit me, it wouldn't hurt to get it, I can always return it if I don't like it. And while I'm
thinking of it, you really need a new haircut. I don't mean to criticize, but how many decades
have you been wearing that style? Is it two or three? Now where was I? Oh yes, you're meeting
in some verkuckte God forsaken place no one has heard and you have to spend an hour trying to
find the right street to turn onto, and when you get there you still aren't sure if this is the right
place because everyone else is even more verblondjet than you are, and won't show up for
another hour anyway. But you get there, you're patient, you learned it from me, I admit, and
when you are all together you have a nosh, you sing, you have a nosh, you dance--not these
strange newfangled dances with that trashy music, but good music, like we had when I was your
age--you have a nosh, you meet a nice person and do what you want, but I don't want to know
about it; just be careful, I don't need a grandchild that badly--well I do, come to think of it,
you're not getting any younger you know, and when are you going to meet someone, please ?!
And whatever you do, don't do anything that people will talk about; you know those nosy
neighbors. And don't worry about me, I'll be home waiting up for you; stay as late as you want,
I'll be okay by myself. Just have fun, and make your spirit ecstatic as they say, be joyful of the
earth, and I'll be fine. It will give me a chance to read that Danielle Steele book I've had by my
bed for the last year. I don't need to go out and have fun; I'm not a spring chicken anymore, after
all. Which reminds me, the doctor says I need to watch my cholesterol. Do you know any good
diet books?
What do you mean, how should you act at these silly things? Just love everybody and
everything: that's what your Mother wants you to do; after all, that's the secret to staying young
and living forever. And believe me, sometimes it's really does seem like it's been forever. My
arthritis is killing me! That Cauldron Ceridwen gave me must be losing its oomph, you know,
the one that he gave me for my birthday a couple of years ago, the one I use to drink wine from?
You suppose maybe it's from when I put in the dishwasher?
So listen to your Mother, She Who Knows Best: I know everything, that's why I'm your
mother, and I can still spank you if I wanted to. But I wouldn't want to hurt my precious baby. I
give the knowledge of how to make good knaidlech, and what to put in the cholent, and beyond
death I give peace and freedom and reunion with those who have gone before--yecch, how
morbid! Who wrote this mishegoss? Eugene O'Neill? No, if you want that you have to please
your mother. I don't ask for anything, or at least, I don't ask for much; after all I know you love
me, even if you do give me all that aggravation. Just a little peace and quiet is all I ask from you,
and maybe you can settle down finally and give me a grandchild? I'm not getting any younger,
you know. I would like to see a grandchild before I move to Sun City or Century Village. Is that
too much for your mother to ask? No?
How many Gardernians does it take to change a light bulb?
>Sorry, that's a Third Degree secret.
How many Alexandrians does it take to change a light bulb?
1) Dunno - we haven't looked it up in the Gardnerian Book Of Shadows yet.
2) 13. One High Priestess to change the bulb, and 12 to hold her up
under all that jewelry.
How many Brit Trad Wiccans does it take to change a light bulb?
13. One to change the bulb, and 12 to mourn the passing of the old bulb.
How many Thelemites does it take to change a light bulb?
1) 93.
2) None - Thelemites embrace the dark as well as the light.
3) None - real Thelemites aren't afraid of the dark.
How many Druid's does it take to change a lightbulb?
> 501. One to change the bulb and 500 to align the new stone.
How many Family traditionalists does it take to change a light bulb?
> Candle light was good enough for our ancestors, it's good enough for us!
How many Gardnerian witches does it take to change a light bulb?
> (in a low ominous tone) "Why do you want to know...initiate?"
How many Alexandrian witches does it take to change a light bulb?
> "Let's go see how the Gardnerians do it!"
How many Starhawk witches does it take to change a light bulb?
> (plaintively) "There are starving villages in Africa that don't even HAVE
> light bulbs..."
How many solitary witches does it take to change a light bulb?
> (if they actually ask 'how many?', drum your fingers and stare at them as
> you wait for them to grasp the obvious)
How many Frost "School of Wicca" witches does it take to change a light
bulb?
> "Just you! That's right, YOU! And for only $195 we'll send you our
> complete "Witches Magic Power of Light Bulb Changing Course" with real
> knowledge that you can apply this to ANY light bulb ANYwhere! Listen to
> the testimony of a young couple from Wisconsin who..."
How many Erisians does it take to change a light bulb?
> "How many have we got?"
How many Discordians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
> Five Tons.
How many Wiccans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
> Four. One for each direction.
How many members of IOT does it take to screw in a lighbulb?
> Sorry, that ritual is copyrighted.
How many Proteans does it take to change a light bulb?
> I can't tell you--we never change a light bulb the same way twice! :}
How many Buckland witches does it take to change a light bulb?
> "Refer to my second book, "Practical Light Bulb Changing" by Raymond
> Buckland..."
How many tantrics does it take to change a light bulb?
> 2, as long as the lamp is by the bed...
How many Ceremonial magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
> One. They hold it up, and the world revolves around them.
(I know one of these; it's true!)
How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb?
> Only one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs.
How many Tauruses does it take to change a light bulb?
> What, me move?
How many Geminis does it take to change a light bulb?
> II
How many Cancers does it take to change a light bulb?
> Only one, but he has to bring his mother.
How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb?
> A dozen. One to change the bulb, and eleven to applaud.
How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb?
> One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb, one to install, and
two engineers to check the work.
How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb?
> Libras can't decide if the bulb needs to be changed.
How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb?
> None. They LIKE the dark.
How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb?
> One to install the bulb, and a Virgo to pick up the pieces.
How many Capricorns does it take to change a light bulb?
> The light's fine as it is.
How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb?
> Have you asked the bulb if it WANTS to be changed?
How many Pisceans does it take to change a light bulb?
> What light bulb?
How many astrologers does it take to change a light bulb?
> "Don't ask me now, Mercury's retrograde!"
How many Pagans does it take to change a lightbulb?
> Six. One to change it, and five to sit around complaining that
lightbulbs never burned out before those Christians came along.
How many New-agers does it take to change a light bulb?
> (in a flaky voice) We don't use light bulbs, we just think happy thoughts
at our quartz crystals and they glow.
Q: How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Into what?
How many ADF druids does it take to change a light bulb?
> Six. One to change the bulb, one to write a song about how
much better the old bulb was, and four to write conflicting
parodies of the second Druid's song.
How many Fam-Trads does it take to change a light bulb?
>Go ask your own grandmother!
How many shamans does it take to change a light bulb?
> None. They just change shape into a cat or bat, and can
see in the dark.
