"A Bedtime Conversation"
A middle-aged couple who have been married for 30 years is preparing for bed when the following conversation unexpectedly takes place ...
Wife: "Honey, if I die before you, would you remarry?"
Husband: "That's a morbid question!"
Wife: "No, I really want to know."
Husband (pauses to think): "Yes, I suppose after a decent amount of time I might remarry."
Wife: "Would she live in our house?"
Husband: "Well, the mortgage is almost paid off. Would you really expect me to move?"
Wife: "Would she wear my mink coat?"
Husband: "You know I paid $3,500 for that coat. You don't want me to sell it for a loss, do you?"
Wife: "Well, would she drive my Mercedez Benz?"
Husband: "No. Absolutely not. She doesn't know how to drive a stick shift!"
One day there was a man walking down the street. He saw a strange looking lamp and picked it up. There was something written on it which he couldn't read. He rubbed the lamp to see see if he could read it but a genie popped out. The genie said, "I'll grant you three wishes and that's it. Now throw 'em at me. Oh, by the way, I want you to know that I'm a feminist. So, whatever you wish for, your wife gets double."
First, the man wished for one million dollars. The genie said, "Your wife gets double." The man said, "That's just alright, I guess."
The man then wished for a 20-ft yacht. The genie said, "Your wife gets a yacht too but double the length of yours." The man again replied, "Yeah, I know."
Then the man said, "For my third and final wish, I would like to ask to be beaten half to death." The genie replied, "But your wife ..." With a wide and malicious smile on his face, the man said, "I know."
A man hires a Mexican, a Chinese man, and a black man to work in his coal mine. He tells the black man that his job is to use a pick ax and hammer the coal out of the wall of the mine. He instructs the Mexican to load the coal into a cart and carry it out of the mine. He puts the Chinese man in charge of supplies.
After giving these instructions the man leaves town on a business trip. A week later he goes back to check on his employees. He finds the black man hard at work hammering away the coal form the wall, but it is still all piled up beside him. The boss then goes to ask the Mexican why he hasn't carried away any of the coal. The Mexican explains that his cart broke shortly after the boss left and he couldn't find the Chinese man to get it replaced.
The boss is furious and begins to search the mine to find out why the Chinese man hasn't done his job. As he is walking through the mine, the Chinese man jumps out from behind an old cart and yells, "SUPPLIES!!!"
A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months and was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet having walked the length of the train looking for a place to sit down.
Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat an older British lady with a small dog sitting in the emplty seat beside her. "Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked. The lady was insulted; "You Americans are so rude," she said, "can't you see my dog is sitting there?"
He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. "Lady, I love dogs. I have a couple at home. So I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down."
The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are also arrogant," she said. He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?"
"You Americans are not only rude and arrogant," she replied, "you are also obnoxious." With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless.
An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up, "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But, I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your forks with the wrong hand, and now you have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
Three men were going through CIA training to qualify them as agents. After the written and physical tests, they were taken to a small room with a one-way mirror in it. This was to be their final and ultimate test.
The first guy's wife was brought into the other room and the instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the trainee and is told: "Go kill your wife of five years." The trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room but comes back out a minute later and says, "I can't do it." The instructor replies, "Then you fail ... you can leave now."
They then bring the second guy's wife into the room and once again the instructor loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the second trainee and told him, "Go kill your wife of ten years," The trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room but comes back out three minutes later and says, "I can't do it." The instructor replies, "Then you also failed ... you can leave now."
Finally, they bring the third guy's wife into the room and leave her there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the third trainee and says, "Go kill your wife of fifteen years." The trainee takes the weapon and goes into the next room where there is silence for one minute. Suddenly, there are two gunshot rounds fired followed by a big commotion in the small room.
The third trainee came out finally, sweating profusely, and tells his instructor, "You gave me a difficult time, asshole! The bullets you gave me were blanks and I had to choke the bitch!"
Most people who own dogs call their pets such usual names as 'Spot,' 'Rover,' or 'Boy.' However, I call mine 'Sex.' My dog's name turned out to be very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for 'Sex.' He said, "I'd like to have one, too." Then I said, "But this is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "But you don't understand, I've had 'Sex' since I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for 'Sex.' He said every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand. 'Sex' keeps me awake at night!" The clerk said, "Me too."
One day I entered 'Sex' in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have 'Sex' in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have 'Sex' on TV." He called me a show-off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog, I said, "Your honor, I had 'Sex' before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, 'Sex' left me. He said, "Me too." Last night 'Sex' ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 o'clock in the morning?" I told him that I was looking for 'Sex.' Now I have a case which comes up on Friday.
There were this middle-aged couple who went to a sex therapist because of their problem. The couple were a little apprehensive at first, but through the doctor's encouraging words, they began to open up. "Doctor, my wife and I got married when we were in our twenties 18 years ago. At the moment we just feel that the thrill is gone and that there is no more excitement in our relationship. I do love my wife very much so please help us."
"Could you tell me about your lives in detail, be specific about it," said the doctor. "Well," the husband continued, "we are both devout Catholics. I'm a successful businessman which takes up a lot of my time. We both get up at 5:30 am. While my wife is busy preparing breakfast I take a shower, have a shave, brush my teeth, and comb my hair. I then read the paper while drinking coffee, and we eat breakfast together. Just before 7:45 am I leave for work."
"My wife is a great homemaker and is also active with the community which she enjoys very much. Our only son is in college and no longer lives with us. I usually get home at about 6:00 pm and watch TV while my wife prepares dinner. We eat at 7:30 pm and after all the chores are done, we watch TV again and go to bed at 10:00 pm. Every Friday, we usually make love since that's the day when both of us are not busy and I don't have work the next day."
"Whoa! Wait a minute," interrupted the doctor, "I see your problem now. Both of your lives are bound by routines! There should be spontaniety in your lives. Make love when you feel like it and not because it's Friday! And your wife being a Catholic, I hope it doesn't hinder her in enjoying sex. There's nothing wrong with that, you know."
"Okay we'll try that doctor and thanks for the advice," replied the couple. "I'd like to see both of you in 2 weeks and let me know what happens," said the doctor, "and as I said, be spontaneous!" Two weeks passed but the couple didn't come back for their appointment. A month later, at a fund-raising party, the doctor saw the couple, vibrant and looking a lot younger. They both look so happy and so sweet to each other. "Wow, you both look so wonderful! Does this mean that you solved your problems?" asked the doctor.
"Oh, doctor. We can't thank you enough for the advice!" said the husband. "The thrill is back in our lives!" Curious, the doctor asked, "Do tell me about it." Proudly the husband replied, "Well, we were having dinner a couple of days after seeing you and as we sat at the dinner table my wife noticed that I was getting a little bit horny. The next thing I knew we were passionately kissing each other and we began to undress. We made love under the dinner table and it was great! Feels like we were on our honeymoon again!"
"That's wonderful," said the doctor. "Doctor, there's only one problem, though ..." Confused with what he heard, the doctor asked, "What is it? It seems that you are both really happy now."
"Well, it just is too bad that we can no longer eat at Shakey's Pizza ever again," the couple replied.
A woman in her middle sixties is walking down the street when she hears a voice say, "You will live to be 105." She attempts to ignore the voice, but it continues and she is finally convinced that it is God Almighty speaking to her.
She figured out that if she was going to live to a ripe old age, she might as well look good - so, she takes advantage of every trick known to modern science - boobs lifted, tummy tuck, face lift, hair dye, liposuction ... the whole works to make her look younger and pretty again.
About six months later, she's again on her way down the street. She steps off the curb and is hit by a bus and dies instantly. When she arrives at the pearly gates she demands to see God. She asks, "Why did You have me die when less than a year ago You told me I'd live to be 105?" God replied, "Sorry about the mistake, I didn't recognize you ... "
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
The first man replies, "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing."
By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and started hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell ... but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, is stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. Turning next to the second man, Peter explains again to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercise out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing on the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, but he started beating on me and kicking too. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands."
"Finally, I just let go but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that the story given by the second man sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man then came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Once again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator ..."
One man was explaining to another why he fired his secretary. Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday. I went down to the dining room for an early breakfast and expected my wife would be pleasant enough to greet me on my birthday, and probably have a present for me as well. But she didn't even say good morning nor greet me on my birthday. I thought that probably the children would at least remember. They all joined me for breakfast but didn't say a word. And when I started to leave for work I was feeling low and despondent because nobody in my own family remembered my birthday. As I walked into my office, my secretary immediately greeted me and wished me a happy birthday. I felt a bit better that someone had at least remembered.
About noon my secretary knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day and it is your birthday. Let's go to lunch, just you and I." I said to myself, by George, that's the greatest thing I have heard all day, let's go. We then went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place, had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day to just relax. We don't have to go back to the office, do we?" I said no, I guess not. "Let's go to my apartment then and I will fix you another martini."
So, we went to her apartment, enjoyed another martini and smoked a cigarette. She then said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." I allowed her and didn't mind at all. She went into her bedroom and in about a minute she came out of the bedroom carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife and children. All were singing "Happy Birthday" and there I sat so embarrassed, with nothing on except my socks.
